New Poem by me.

Sweathog · 07-03-2003

Soliloquy to the Lost

Can you love someone so much,
you want to reach out and touch,
but all you hold is air.
You will never be together,
and this is how it stays forever,
but still your heart screams out:Care!
So I wander down to the old oak tree,
and pen this little soliloquy,
and you'll never know I was there.

Haven't posted for a bit. Got a bit more new "material", will post later.
Sweathog

kyle · 07-03-2003

That is deep

psychoDiablo · 07-03-2003

You will never be together,
and this is how it stays forever,
but still your heart screams out:Care!

god damn the joys of writing. that's awesome.

moocow44 · 07-04-2003

nice. good job.

fadingroses · 07-07-2003

line 1: remove comma.

line 3: question mark instead of period. aside from that... the question doesn't really make sense in those words. the first two lines phrase the question, and the third is an awkward little addendum which ends up nearly reversing its meaning. anyhow...

line 7: the "I" seems a bit out of place. too sudden to introduce, although necessary, I suppose, since it is a soliloquy.

line 9: the contraction also seems a bit out of place. doesn't quite fit the flow of the rest of the poem.

Sweathog · 07-07-2003

Fading Roses. You have a habit of picking my poems apart, don't you? I suppose it's constructive criticism, but still.

fadingroses · 07-08-2003

I figured they were worth it. If you can't handle it, I can stop, but it does give me something to do.

Sweathog · 07-08-2003

Never said I can't handle it. As I said, it's constructive criticism, and as you say, if they are worth picking apart then they are good.

iwantaspliff · 07-08-2003

hey sweaty how ya doing?

monster · 07-13-2003

love it
sweet poem
keep it up

07-03-2003	#1
Sweathog Experienced Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: The shed at the bottom of the garden. Age: 22 Posts: 364 Rep Power: 15	New Poem by me. Soliloquy to the Lost Can you love someone so much, you want to reach out and touch, but all you hold is air. You will never be together, and this is how it stays forever, but still your heart screams out:Care! So I wander down to the old oak tree, and pen this little soliloquy, and you'll never know I was there. Haven't posted for a bit. Got a bit more new "material", will post later. Sweathog __________________ The Russian Discussion I'm back, motherfuckers! See what I see...

07-03-2003	#2
kyle Lawl ^^ Join Date: May 2003 Location: Ft. Wayne IN Age: 22 Posts: 3,353 Rep Power: 34	That is deep __________________

07-03-2003	#3
psychoDiablo I love fine women. Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 14,469 Rep Power: 150	You will never be together, and this is how it stays forever, but still your heart screams out:Care! god damn the joys of writing. that's awesome. __________________ I wouldn't say I'm psycho only because I'm able to handle it. Now learn patience To chill is to be chillin. Chillin is cooperating with your surroundings, unknowing'st of what everything is capable of; and all the while, as it happens and after, to accept without any thought of good or bad, but mainly, just enjoying rather deeply, the moment you had to sit and think. (Not thinking.) \|-Mr.MCR-\| Will you write Will you love Will you enjoy Life when I am gone? You will. by Angelina "I have lived life as horrible as it was, and as beautiful as it has become."

07-04-2003	#4
moocow44 Procrastination Street. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Oakland, CA/Milwaukee, WI Posts: 1,366 Rep Power: 17	nice. good job. __________________ AXO. Fuck Your Scene. http://www.myspace.com/arikakaosa Spread The Word

07-07-2003	#6
Sweathog Experienced Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: The shed at the bottom of the garden. Age: 22 Posts: 364 Rep Power: 15	Fading Roses. You have a habit of picking my poems apart, don't you? I suppose it's constructive criticism, but still. __________________ The Russian Discussion I'm back, motherfuckers! See what I see...

07-07-2003	#5
fadingroses Well Known Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 283 Rep Power: 14	line 1: remove comma. line 3: question mark instead of period. aside from that... the question doesn't really make sense in those words. the first two lines phrase the question, and the third is an awkward little addendum which ends up nearly reversing its meaning. anyhow... line 7: the "I" seems a bit out of place. too sudden to introduce, although necessary, I suppose, since it is a soliloquy. line 9: the contraction also seems a bit out of place. doesn't quite fit the flow of the rest of the poem.

07-08-2003	#7
fadingroses Well Known Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 283 Rep Power: 14	I figured they were worth it. If you can't handle it, I can stop, but it does give me something to do.

07-08-2003	#9
iwantaspliff Newbie Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: japan Age: 27 Posts: 4 Rep Power: 0	hey sweaty how ya doing? __________________ roll, roll, roll your spliff, twist it at the and, spark it up, take a drag, pass it to your friend!

07-13-2003	#10
monster Needs to confirm E-mail address Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: closer than you think (mwuahahahahaaa) Posts: 287 Rep Power: 14	love it sweet poem keep it up __________________ i'm not a threat i'm a promise

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