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Old 07-31-2006   #1
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I never titled this

I got beat in. The feeling – utter humiliation, I was ganged and beaten. The pain – excruciating, I got pretty fucked up. The result – short of breath, bloodied, flesh bruised, eyes blacked, stinging; head raged, ached, concussed. I was in. I belonged. I was safe – from cops, from other thugs. I was Chris Johnson, low in the hierarchy of gangs but still a member. They called me Slug.

*** Weeks went by. I make good money. I will gain some power. ***

I rape women. The feeling – pure dominance, I own this bitch. The pain – none for me, give it all to this bitch I’m fucking. The result – heavy breathing, blood splatters on me from the bitch, flesh drips sweat, eyes look upward in ecstasy, head euphoric, wanting more. I am in. I belong. I beat people – sometimes with bats, usually with my bare hands. I am Chris Johnson, a drug-pusher, a powerful Crip. They call me Fisty.

*** Months went by. I make mad cash. I will fuck you up. ***

I’ll kill people. The feeling – apathetic, people will live pointlessly anyway. The pain – none at all, I’ll shoot all my victims in the head. The result – rushing breath, flesh will be tingling, blood and brains will stain my shirt, eyes will stare, cold, unflinching, head will drip sweat from the heat, never from nervousness. I will be in. I will belong. I will be caught off-guard and shot in the back of my head, on my knees, by a rival gang member, in a dark alley, all the while begging and pleading for my pathetic existence – to live on, to turn around, to change, to have another chance. But it will be too late. Time will creep by. I will feel the piercing of the bullet. I will feel the thunderous crack as steel fucks bone and leaves without staying for breakfast the morning-after. I will feel the phallic-shaped metal object displacing vital brain matter. The bullet will be emotionless. It will do its job, get shitty pay, a fuck in the ass, and will be left wherever it is. Yet it will be an artist. The environment, my environment, that which will surround me, will be its canvas. Chaotic and carefree, our artist will toss its red blood paint everywhere. It will decide that a neutral color – gray brain chunks – will look good with its masterpiece. It will sing a happy song as it slings chunks of bone around the canvas. It will hum an old ‘60s tune - maybe an inspirational Doors song - as it randomly places pieces of skin, hair attached, on the canvas. Some of its work will travel on the shirt, jeans, and shoes of the man who funded its artwork. The man who will give it freedom. The man who will release it from its clip – its cell of self-pity and worthlessness. The man who will provide it with the means to complete such a work of art. The man who will give it enough motivation to begin, a canvas to work with, and, of course, a palette – my head. I will be Chris Johnson, lying in a pool of my own blood, missing most of my head, waiting to be discovered by someone – a homeless man, a single mother of three on welfare, or even a cop who, by some stunningly perplexing work of nature (and high cholesterol) will have given up on doughnuts and will be actually walking his beat (for health reasons only, you understand). They will call me dead.
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Old 07-31-2006   #2
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Re: I never titled this

Well, its good for a start. I really like the pattern in it. "They will call me dead" was a very exciting finish. Keep it up.
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Old 08-27-2006   #3
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Re: I never titled this

this is pretty good. don't know that you had to explain things, but also don't know that people would have gotten them if you didn't. i'm sure that's why you did so.

very good. i like it. i'm book marking it.

i like they way you described the bullet and personified it. very awesome.
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Old 08-27-2006   #4
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Re: I never titled this

that's cool.
i only liked The feeling - , the pain - , and the result - in the beginning. anywhere else i didnt mind at all.
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Old 08-27-2006   #5
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Re: I never titled this

Quote:
Originally Said by psychoDiablo
that's cool.
i only liked The feeling - , the pain - , and the result - in the beginning. anywhere else i didnt mind at all.
i don't understand what the hell that means. you only liked and didn't mind...which doesn't make sense to me.

please explain. i am confused.
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Old 08-28-2006   #6
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Re: I never titled this

'to mind' can also refer to 'to like', in which case matt's sentence could easily make sense assuming he was using that meaning of the term.

having said that, using 'mind' as 'like' is a very english thing, so to see it coming from matt surprised me.

but then, it's not the first time matt's surprised me.
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Old 02-18-2008   #7
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Re: I never titled this

Quote:
Originally Said by Kali View Post
'to mind' can also refer to 'to like', in which case matt's sentence could easily make sense assuming he was using that meaning of the term.

having said that, using 'mind' as 'like' is a very english thing, so to see it coming from matt surprised me.

but then, it's not the first time matt's surprised me.
You didn't say what you thought though.
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Old 02-18-2008   #8
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Re: I never titled this

I didn't think much, to be honest.
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Old 02-18-2008   #9
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Re: I never titled this

I am sorry to hear that.
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Old 02-18-2008   #10
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Re: I never titled this

Perhaps it's just really not my kind of thing, but really it just doesn't feel particularly different to someone throwing Palahniuk, Ginsberg and Burroughs into a pot to see what happens.

I think you could apply your ability to write to something far more productive than the semi-rant of yet another self-obsessed serial killer of a character.

It's been done before. A lot.

You're better than this.
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Old 02-18-2008   #11
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Re: I never titled this

I appreciate the criticism then.

I wasn't familiar with Palahniuk, Ginsberg, or Burroughs when I wrote it though I do see the connections now.

After just re-reading it, I realize that I don't really like it overall. Some specific parts I do enjoy are the past, present, and future tense shifts and the imagery of the bullet, especially this part: "I will feel the piercing of the bullet. I will feel the thunderous crack as steel fucks bone and leaves without staying for breakfast the morning-after."

I wrote it almost ten years ago. It was, at the time, meant to be a reflection of how utterly stupid I felt gangs were. Though I agree it could have been written better.

No use crying over spilled and spoiled milk...
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Old 02-18-2008   #12
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Re: I never titled this

Quote:
Originally Said by jackthepanda View Post
i don't understand what the hell that means. you only liked and didn't mind...which doesn't make sense to me.

please explain. i am confused.
you have to read every single word. i could tell you what i meant, but then you wouldn't learn anything.

but for the sake of EC, i dunno if he got what i meant, i'll tell him, but not you Jasmine.



I saiiiiid.... I only liked The feeling - , the pain - , and the result - in the beginning of the story. EC put them in another 2 places after that, which i didn't mind at all. Yes, Kali, MIND! :) meaning, I didn't care for them in that other part of the sentence. Only in the beginning.
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Chillin is cooperating with your surroundings, unknowing'st of what everything is capable of; and all the while, as it happens and after, to accept without any thought of good or bad, but mainly, just enjoying rather deeply, the moment you had to sit and think. (Not thinking.)

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Old 02-25-2008   #13
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Re: I never titled this

Compared to some of you I am but a novice at interpretation (I just write.) It's a pretty linear journey for a gang member but I can understand the path the piece follows. "They will call me dead." Loved that part... makes it stick with you. Probably could have been more convincing if it also detailed how the feeling of the gang member compared to the feelings of the vicitms (they just seem distant.) That would have been cool but good job overall.
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