How to Live on the Dark Side-a guide to be a Goth

[tynie]

OK, i wrote this bit a while ago, to poke fun of kids who listened to LP and Trapt too much and were whiney. Its humour. So laugh damnit.




How to Live on the Dark Side-a guide to be a Goth
By Lucinda Mortania Torrendia



If you've walked around town and see people that look so depressed and give the impression of a walking corpse, their Goth, or a zombie. And they love Linkin Park, you can’t get anymore Gother and depressed than that. Do you desire to be the pale faced, garbed in black, sad, mopey people that breathe on occasion around you ?



Keep reading, dear mortal.



1. Attire- Live in the malls. Hot Topic is now your sanctuary. Don't be a casual HT shopper, sometimes buying band t-shirts and maybe those pants with the straps, live there. Buy out half the store, especially Linkin Park shirts. And boots. Doc Martens, platform boots, whatever. As long as its black. Wear a lot of fishnets. Jewerly-wise, wear a lot of black rubber bracelets. And an Ankh. Even if your life savings, 401k, and retirement funds go down the drain due to your newfound shopping craze, who cares ? Your darker now. Anything thats from G+G, A+F, American Eagle, and stores of the joyful nature, is absolutely not acceptable. No Pacific Sunwear either, thats for those "skater punks".



2. Cosmetics and Hair- Pale face, black makeup. Black hair at all times. Maybe for a "festive" occasion add streaks of red, blue, and maybe, just maybe, purple. If your going for that deranged freak look, get dreadlocks, and never worry about washing your hair again. Or apply Aquanet. No wait, douse yourself in Aquanet. On the cosmetics front, all cosmetics must be worn, even if your not going out into that dreadful sunlight. And all cosmetics must be black, or purple. Must have-mascara, black lipstick, and black nail polish. Never be seen without those on. Even if you are a guy, nail polish is extremely crucial.



3. Music- Music, the most important thing of the Gothic nature. Of course listen to Linkin Park, and Evanescence, so dark. Marilyn Manson is too old now, Linkin Park is the new Manson. Nine Inch Nails is too industrial for us Goths, try heavy bands like Slipknot or even Trapt, they have pure emotion in their music. KMFDM=no-no. Papa Roach and MuDvAyNe is so heavy and dark. Avoid KoRn, their so iffy, Limp Bizkit, is a must-listen.



Goth Music- Linkin Park, Trapt, Limp Biskit, MuDvAyNe, Metallica's newer work (their older stuff is so ehh), Evanescence, Papa Roach, Slipknot

Not Goth- Marilyn Manson (so...iffy and old), Nine Inch Nails, KMFDM, KoRn, Metallica's older work



Britney Spears is simply out of the question.

4. Literature- Read Edgar Allen Poe. Nothing else. Maybe some Anne Rice. Or Bram Stroker. But Poe is your new Bible.



5. Religion- become a Satanist. Not a nice, passive Satanist. Scream aloud "WORSHIP SATAN, FOR HE WILL KILL ALL, AND DAMN THEE TO HIS STINKING LAYER OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE", and remember, have no clue about the religion at all. Just worship Satan. Or become Atheist. Or Wiccan, and if so, still have no clue on what your doing. Just go crazy with 5-pointed stars and stuff.



6. Hygiene- No showers, until flies start to swarm around you, or your parents start to wear gas masks around you.



7. General attitude- Be pissed. NEVER SMILE. And don't go out in the sun. Here are some examples, feel free to use them:



Q: "Did someone die?"

A: I wish I did.



Q: "Why are you so sad ?"

A: Because I''m not dead.



Q: "What would you like to do today ?"

A: Die.



Always incorporate death, the colour black, and death. Anything that gives the illusion of depression and sadness. Appear suicidal, but WITHOUT doing it. Cut yourself and crap. But never actually kill yourself.



8. Hobbies- write poetry. Depressing poetry, or ones that induce despair into the reader. Or draw. But only draw sad stuff, or someone dying. Add 5-pointed stars, or maybe an inverted cross. No anime. Anime is happiness, which is not good. But draw skulls.



9. Vocabulary- Change your name to anything from Poe, Rice, or Stroker. Either that or make up some name. For instance, if your name is Michael Smith, change it to Mysteria Satania. Keep the initials, but change the name. My birth name is actually Lucy Marie, but I changed it to Lucinda Mortania when I converted to the dark side. Also when writing, add E to anything at random. Also, speak like your writing the Bible, using the words such as thee, thy, thou, and so on



IE: The dog is named Spot.

Darker: Thy dog is dubbed Spoet (pronounced:Spot).



10. Web Design- Create a web page, or a blog. Whine a lot on being treated like a lesser person. Use black as a background colour; and red as the type. Add blood clip art with spinning 5-pointed stars, and if Satanist, inverted cross. A couple of skulls here and there and fire. A lot of fire. Fire up the ying-yang. As a screename or an e-mail address use words like blood, dismay, 666, death. Also, add “xxx” in the beginning and ending of the name.



Example: xxxDeathGoddess666xxx@whatever.com



Now go out there and be all depressed and so forth ! Don't conform to anything. Go out there and have no reason to be sad !

[Wheels]

*huggles Jhayne*

cool... not conforming is conforming to anticonformitism,

[Indiana Tones]

Wow, Thou hast inspired thee. I was deeply moved and now am motivated to listeneth to thy brother's LP compacte discs.

[Jenn and tonic]

I have something to add:

Make an online journal all in black, with skull gifs rotating in the background, and red font. In this journal, talk about how your life is so terrible and describe, in detail, how you cut your wrists with a razor when the mood strikes you.

Sorry, I hate adding to people's writing--it just came to mind. haha.

Anyway, it made me giggle, I loved this.