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Old 09-15-2013   #21
foxyphoenix
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Re: Marriage

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Originally Said by Savage_Nature View Post

People are awesome, until you live with them. That can change many many things. If I can tolerate someone for 1-2 years living with them after dating them for a significant time period, why not get married? AmIright?
It's a big legal obligation. You get the benefits of shared assets and rights concerning each other's life (health insurance, hospital visitation, estate inheritance, adoption rights, etc.), as well as social recognition of the seriousness of the relationship.
On the other hand, if things go south (which they CAN do even after several years of living together), it can take months or years and cost thousands upon thousands to divorce.
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Old 09-15-2013   #22
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Re: Marriage

I know I oversimplify it in my post, but I assure you I take it seriously. I wouldn't date someone I didn't consider mature, and capable of sharing real life responsibilities. I was just saying that I wouldn't marry someone until having lived with them. It's something I came to a conclusion on after having lived with best friends who I suddenly couldn't stand. That aside, I wouldn't live with someone until being with them at least a year or so. Of course any time frame I list here is subject to change as different factors can alter a 'reasonable' timeframe drastically. My current lady friend and I have been dating 2+ years. We wont be living together until 3+ years because of certain circumstances. Suffice to say I still want to live together before marriage, so it could realistically be 4-5 years dating before we get married (IF we get married).

Afterthought: though it is possible for a perfectly balanced and sane relationship to break up even after several years of living together, living in fear of something I think will only bring it to fruition. It is much better to acknowledge that something could happen, yet plan and focus on the better, methinks.
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Old 09-16-2013   #23
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Re: Marriage

Why change that though? If things are going great, then is marriage supposed to be an even higher level love? That you definitely want to have kids with her, pretty much.
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Old 09-16-2013   #24
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Re: Marriage

To me, I would say marriage is more a social exclamation than anything. Call it a declaration of lifelong unity. Instead of saying "we're dating" it's "we plan on spending the rest of our lives together".

It used to mean something. For most people it doesn't anymore, people (most) don't really appreciate what a relationship should be anymore.
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Old 09-16-2013   #25
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Re: Marriage

But you can do that without getting married. The gays have been doing it forever! And now that I mention that, I retract my statement about having babies.

Hm maybe the gays are here to save love. lol
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Old 09-17-2013   #26
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Re: Marriage

True enough. It's really important to (most) girls for some reaons though.
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Old 09-17-2013   #27
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Re: Marriage

[in general] some of the views here are saddening for me to read. Call me old fashioned, but I will never look at marriage as some kind of contractual or social obligation. Don't get me wrong, I see the same legal benefits you all have listed but those aren't what make marriage for me. To me, marriage is the way one says "I love you" forever. (As long as that might be...) I don't take it lightly and I will never marry someone that I have any doubts about. I don't think its naive to believe that I can find someone that I truly care about and want to devote myself to permanently. I also have no doubt that such a relationship can be maintained with work, if we truly do mutually care about each other.
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Old 09-17-2013   #28
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Re: Marriage

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Originally Said by Savage_Nature View Post
True enough. It's really important to (most) girls for some reaons though.
And so if it is really important to him (you) then it shall be grand!
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Old 09-17-2013   #29
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Re: Marriage

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Originally Said by Pittielynn View Post
[in general] some of the views here are saddening for me to read. Call me old fashioned, but I will never look at marriage as some kind of contractual or social obligation. Don't get me wrong, I see the same legal benefits you all have listed but those aren't what make marriage for me. To me, marriage is the way one says "I love you" forever. (As long as that might be...) I don't take it lightly and I will never marry someone that I have any doubts about. I don't think its naive to believe that I can find someone that I truly care about and want to devote myself to permanently. I also have no doubt that such a relationship can be maintained with work, if we truly do mutually care about each other.
Agreed.

Marriage shouldn't just be a legal contract, entered into for the legal and financial benefits. Maybe that's why so many marriages end in divorce; the relationships are based chiefly on materialism and superficiality, not love and devotion.

That said...

"Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony which is why I shall end up an old maid."
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Old 09-18-2013   #30
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Re: Marriage

I guess I'm heartless. I don't really see the need to be married, as every relationship I have had I viewed as something that /could/ last forever. Why date someone at all if you're not interested in being together forever? (well I suppose some people practice the sexual benefits card) I don't oppose marriage though.
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Old 09-18-2013   #31
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Re: Marriage

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Originally Said by Pittielynn View Post
Unmarried but in a serious relationship. ( I'm sorry Hashim! We're just not geographically compatible. )
Damn it Danielle! If you were going to break my heart did it have to be in public?

I myself am neither married nor in a relationship (all interested, PM please ) I got out of a serious relationship about 2 months ago now, lasted about 8 months or so but it just wasn't doing it for me and I didn't see it really going anywhere unfortunately. C'est la vie.

Do I want a relationship/to get married, well yeah, but I'm happy to wait for it to come along, I'm not going to pursue it...
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Old 09-18-2013   #32
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Re: Marriage

i'm with the gals- Racheal and Danielle.

I work with seniors that have been married 60+ years. I totally want that.
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Old 09-18-2013   #33
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Re: Marriage

Quote:
Originally Said by Zanahoria_Picante View Post
Marriage shouldn't just be a legal contract, entered into for the legal and financial benefits.
That's exactly what it has become though. We can blame women since they are one's who benefit the most from break-up or "divorce." We can blame the men for letting women get away with shit like that. Or we can blame lawyers for finding loopholes.

Maybe blame ourselves for not having the power to let go of people? Seriously, if you didn't care, you would up and leave without hanging on to half of his shit, or such "baggage." Lol shit.

I'll agree, marriage can be great. Don't let other's fucked up lives discourage you. Live for love and laugh and all that or whatever, however it goes lol
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Old 09-18-2013   #34
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Re: Marriage

Quote:
Originally Said by Pittielynn View Post
[in general] some of the views here are saddening for me to read. Call me old fashioned, but I will never look at marriage as some kind of contractual or social obligation. Don't get me wrong, I see the same legal benefits you all have listed but those aren't what make marriage for me. To me, marriage is the way one says "I love you" forever. (As long as that might be...) I don't take it lightly and I will never marry someone that I have any doubts about. I don't think its naive to believe that I can find someone that I truly care about and want to devote myself to permanently. I also have no doubt that such a relationship can be maintained with work, if we truly do mutually care about each other.
People can (and do) lie. Even if you think you've found the perfect person, he or she might not be who you think. In fact, several close friends of mine are already divorced (under 30!) because their spouses lied and cheated even after years of dating and living together. Shit happens.

I see myself being with my current SO for a long, long time, but I'd rather not drag the shackles of marriage into our awesome relationship unless I absolutely have to (I'm talking dying-of-cancer-I-need-your-insurance "have to").

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Agreed.

Marriage shouldn't just be a legal contract, entered into for the legal and financial benefits. Maybe that's why so many marriages end in divorce; the relationships are based chiefly on materialism and superficiality, not love and devotion.

That said...

"Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony which is why I shall end up an old maid."
I'm not saying the marriage is (or should be) based on legal contract but it is naive to deny the huge implications that a marriage has legally. Perhaps if we took away government recognition of marriage entirely, then only those truly in love would marry.

Even then, though, society places HUGE amounts of pressure on young people to find "the one" and get married and have babies ASAP. Girls are "meant to" envision their perfect wedding, their princess day, and start planning it from early elementary school. The average wedding now costs $30,000 and you are shamed if you don't want something that elaborate. I had people asking me at my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION whether I was going to marry my then boyfriend. ONE WEEK into dating my current SO I began getting marriage questions. Five years on and it's still the first question I get whenever I see non-immediate family. Facebook ads assume that, since I am a 20-something female, all I want to look at are rings and wedding dresses and babies and couples and blleeerrruuuugghhghgh. My coworkers (also under 30) are less interested in working hard in a relationship than finding someone to get married to right away. If marriage--not a good relationship--is the goal, then divorce is bound to happen. We (as a society) need to focus more on the strength of relationships and not the glamour of weddings.
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Old 09-19-2013   #35
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Re: Marriage

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Originally Said by psychoDiablo View Post
That's exactly what it has become though. We can blame women since they are one's who benefit the most from break-up or "divorce." We can blame the men for letting women get away with shit like that. Or we can blame lawyers for finding loopholes.

Maybe blame ourselves for not having the power to let go of people? Seriously, if you didn't care, you would up and leave without hanging on to half of his shit, or such "baggage." Lol shit.

I'll agree, marriage can be great. Don't let other's fucked up lives discourage you. Live for love and laugh and all that or whatever, however it goes lol
Like Jasmine was saying, I personally know couples who have been married 30+ years, including my parents (I realize many people are not so lucky, so I am profoundly grateful for their example). Their relationships exemplify what marriage should be to me. While our country has issues with divorce, it seems backwards to alter our view of marriage based on how it looks when it ends. Better to look at the good examples and follow those. And indeed to live, laugh, love *vomits*.

Quote:
Originally Said by foxyphoenix View Post
I'm not saying the marriage is (or should be) based on legal contract but it is naive to deny the huge implications that a marriage has legally. Perhaps if we took away government recognition of marriage entirely, then only those truly in love would marry.

Even then, though, society places HUGE amounts of pressure on young people to find "the one" and get married and have babies ASAP. Girls are "meant to" envision their perfect wedding, their princess day, and start planning it from early elementary school. The average wedding now costs $30,000 and you are shamed if you don't want something that elaborate. I had people asking me at my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION whether I was going to marry my then boyfriend. ONE WEEK into dating my current SO I began getting marriage questions. Five years on and it's still the first question I get whenever I see non-immediate family. Facebook ads assume that, since I am a 20-something female, all I want to look at are rings and wedding dresses and babies and couples and blleeerrruuuugghhghgh. My coworkers (also under 30) are less interested in working hard in a relationship than finding someone to get married to right away. If marriage--not a good relationship--is the goal, then divorce is bound to happen. We (as a society) need to focus more on the strength of relationships and not the glamour of weddings.
Trust me, I understand; the abrasiveness of such stereotypes of women and that sort of sexism, what women are expected to think and do and be according to society, is painful--to be honest, I also find it quite enraging (yes... enraging). I'm not like that at all, either, not particularly intrigued by glamorous material displays (of "love"), nor am I enchanted by society's cliché visions of what a woman's life should be: Married, baby-producing, and basically a pretty object for ogling.

Exactly, that sort of materialism and superficiality is, as I intimated before, the absolute flimsiest basis of a relationship a person could choose and the absolute worst basis for a marriage imaginable. All those extremes are destructive: Jumping into marriage based on some superficial reason or based on a superficial relationship, marrying for the sake of marrying (or for the sake of putting on an affluent show), or marrying just for the legal reasons. All of those seem like terrible reasons to get married, and yet they seem to be the most common motivations. Yes, hence, divorce. (That isn't to say that poor initial motivations are the only causes for divorce. Sometimes, there truly are legit' reasons that no one could foresee or help.)

I absolutely agree that marriage is meant to be a display of love, a seal put on an already-existing, strong relationship. Marriage is a declaration or affirmation of that love. Given, the idea is, love will grow and strengthen and deepen over time, like a tree or flower or cactus or something, as a married couple faces all the challenges domestic life brings. And I do think that's true; I think that's what love is, at its core, a conscious struggle, a conscious choice to be devoted to someone else.

All this said, I don't think I'll ever get married, unless something goes terribly, terribly wrong.

(As an aside, I find it amusing how often you and I seem to arrive at almost the same conclusions based on drastically different reasoning. )
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Old 09-19-2013   #36
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Re: Marriage

You're all wrong! (I didn't read the last 12 posts) Marriage is about two people who love each other enough to confess to the world that they frequently stick the parts of themselves that pee comes out of together in ways that are totally disgusting. If you're married, your mom knows that you touch pee things with someone else and she thinks you're sick.
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Old 09-19-2013   #37
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Re: Marriage

Quote:
Originally Said by Zanahoria_Picante View Post
Like Jasmine was saying, I personally know couples who have been married 30+ years, including my parents (I realize many people are not so lucky, so I am profoundly grateful for their example). Their relationships exemplify what marriage should be to me. While our country has issues with divorce, it seems backwards to alter our view of marriage based on how it looks when it ends. Better to look at the good examples and follow those. And indeed to live, laugh, love *vomits*.
But that's also it. Marriage is always with good intent I would presume. They love each other and there's nothing to that. Fact of the matter would be finding someone you can trust. Who the hell wants to find out if they can trust someone enough that if they did divorce, the ex isn't going to try to screw them over financially or with custody issues n shit? I'm being sarcastic, but not really, because most people probably do get married to someone they know they shouldn't be marrying. Should she say yes? Should he even be asking? Eh!

lol it's a toss up!


Better question is, should there be divorce? If you get married, that's it. You can never change your status back to single. Ever. lol
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Old 09-19-2013   #38
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Re: Marriage

Quote:
Originally Said by Zanahoria_Picante View Post

I absolutely agree that marriage is meant to be a display of love, a seal put on an already-existing, strong relationship. Marriage is a declaration or affirmation of that love. Given, the idea is, love will grow and strengthen and deepen over time, like a tree or flower or cactus or something, as a married couple faces all the challenges domestic life brings. And I do think that's true; I think that's what love is, at its core, a conscious struggle, a conscious choice to be devoted to someone else.
So true. And I think good marriages come from the conscious choice as well. I witnessed this in both of my grandparents; their marriages didn't seem to be like the ones like you see in chick flicks (i.e: "You can find The One and it will be Happily Ever After! Love means never having to say you're sorry!"); rather, both sets of grandparents made the conscious choice to devote affection and time to one another. They dedicated themselves to making the other person happy, and from that they had long, happy marriages.


My parents have been married for over 30 years. I haven't made a study of their marriage like I did with both of my grandparents'. Haha. But they don't seem unhappy.

All of that being said I don't know what the future holds as far as marriage goes, for me. I don't have this idealistic idea that there is "The One" out there for everyone.
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Old 09-19-2013   #39
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Re: Marriage

My parents have been married 31 years. My brother is married and my sister probably will be soon too. dear lord
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Old 09-23-2013   #40
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Re: Marriage

This is the best quote to describe how I feel about marriage. "The person who invented marriage was probably creepy as hell like hey I love you so much I'm going to get the government involved so you can't leave."
Side note: I do like sparkly things lol.
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