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Old 08-26-2013   #1
Jagged
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Trouble in paradise

Good afternoon ladies and gents!

I'm looking for advise on an issue I've been having on and off for about a year now with my boyfriend.

I've been dating this guy for over three years, He's a wonderful man we've had our ups and downs but hes compassionate, sweet and loving. Our first problem is the fact that he's "A lover not a fighter" and doesn't like to talk about our problems. Another one of our problems is that I don't get along with his best friend who I have tried on multiple occasions to be friends with but we just butt heads. The reason being is he gets drunk and says the rudest things and tries to play them off like hes joking when he's really not. (Example - I wouldn't let my boyfriend drive his 40 horse power boat drunk and his friend and I got in a huge fight over it and I ended up fighting with joe because of it. The boy could barley stand let alone drive a boat and he's run it on shore before so I was just looking out for his best interest.) Needless to say this has caused some tension in our relationship because I'm not interested in being around this guy anymore.

On another note his sister's boyfriend is a complete hot head and is always saying rude things and making my life a lot more difficult then it needs to be. (Example - Him and my boyfriend made a duck hunting tub together and a few of this guys friends will use the tub. My boyfriend wants me to use the tub and of course his sisters boyfriend said no girls allowed (Being completely serious) and just says rude things like this all the time. He's just irrational and it's his way or the highway.

I'm having a hard time hanging out with these people and their such a big part of his life I don't know what to do. It's too the point I dread going over to his house because they live next door. Not to mention the lot we have to build our house on shares the same driveway as his sisters boyfriend. I'm really at a loss for what to say or do! I've been having troubles sleeping and whenever I try to express my feelings its always that I'm over reacting or I just have to "deal with it or say nothing." Why is it ok to be treated so poorly and to just "take it." I don't know how much more I can take. I've tried just sucking it up and I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt a lot too the point its affecting my sleep!

Any advise would be appreciated!
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Old 08-26-2013   #2
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Re: Trouble in paradise

*DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT DR.PHIL OR A RELATIONSHIP EXPER* but this is what I have seen from two people that have been together for 25 years

My parents have been married for 25 years now. On my father's side; they are very stubborn, ridged, hard-headed, and very opinionated. My mother is the opposite of that types of behaviours from my father's side. So when the family reunion occurs, my mother just avoids those types of people that she knows will make her life difficult and she knows she will never hold a pleasant conversation with. My mother will acknowledge those people and speak to them with the at the bare minimum. She will end up hanging around others that she knows she can get along with (Which is usually other people that are married to members of my father's family).

Basically just like you and my mother, She too extended the olive branch to others in my father's family and if they push that away or smack it down then to her it was not even worth the effort to attempt to be friendly with them. She will be civil to them in future, but she will not go out of her way to attempt to extend the olive branch again.

The whole friend being drunk and being rude to you, he is probably (key word is probably) speaking the truth about he feels about you or he could be joking (Can't tell never met the dude). BUT you do really see the truth in someone when they're drunk or scared to death. I Generally find people say rude thing to other people as a joke when their sober. (Or maybe that's just an army thing for myself)

And that would be my advice, just be civil and leave it at that, What is the point of trying to be their friend when their being hostile or resistant towards you from the get go?


In terms of talking to him about these issues that he avoids, then tell him flat out. Don't do any of that pouting and BS when your upset so when he asks "Are you okay?" and you respond with "I'm fine" or "yes". That doesn't help you, most men are really dumb at seeing the subtle female hits that something is wrong. Tell him that you need to talk about this, that this is a serious issue for you, and that you don't think the relationship will continue on a smooth path until you talk about it.

hope it does help
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Old 08-26-2013   #3
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Frankly, it seems like your boyfriend is being an ass (as in "hee haw," but it could go either way) as much as his friends and relations are. He is undermining your feelings; it doesn't matter if you're "overreacting"; he should be concerned enough about you to listen, whether he agrees or not. It's understandable that he would defend his friends and family, but he shouldn't just blow you off like that; that's insensitive of him.

If you hadn't already tried, with all your might, to get along with his friends, that would be one thing.

I think it might be good for you to have yet another serious talk with your boyfriend, to tell him exactly how you feel; just tell him the truth, that his friends' behavior is offensive to you and it really bothers you enough that you can't sleep, and how much their behavior is stressing you out.

That is a tough one, though. I suppose the question is whether you think all the trouble is worthwhile or if it would be best for you to move on. If you decide for the latter, to move on, it seems fair, before, say, breaking up with him, first to let him know how serious this is for you and that you don't feel you're overreacting but are really hurt by what's happening--Like an ultimatum of sorts. If he still doesn't listen, you might consider showing him the door, because how you feel does matter and how you feel should matter to him; otherwise, it's unhealthy for you to stay in the relationship. You, like anyone, deserve someone who respects you and your feelings and cares about your well being (and losing sleep will affect your health).

That's my two cents.
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Old 08-26-2013   #4
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Quote:
Originally Said by Jagged View Post
Good afternoon ladies and gents!

I'm looking for advise on an issue I've been having on and off for about a year now with my boyfriend.

I've been dating this guy for over three years, He's a wonderful man we've had our ups and downs but hes compassionate, sweet and loving. Our first problem is the fact that he's "A lover not a fighter" and doesn't like to talk about our problems. Another one of our problems is that I don't get along with his best friend who I have tried on multiple occasions to be friends with but we just butt heads. The reason being is he gets drunk and says the rudest things and tries to play them off like hes joking when he's really not. (Example - I wouldn't let my boyfriend drive his 40 horse power boat drunk and his friend and I got in a huge fight over it and I ended up fighting with joe because of it. The boy could barley stand let alone drive a boat and he's run it on shore before so I was just looking out for his best interest.) Needless to say this has caused some tension in our relationship because I'm not interested in being around this guy anymore.

On another note his sister's boyfriend is a complete hot head and is always saying rude things and making my life a lot more difficult then it needs to be. (Example - Him and my boyfriend made a duck hunting tub together and a few of this guys friends will use the tub. My boyfriend wants me to use the tub and of course his sisters boyfriend said no girls allowed (Being completely serious) and just says rude things like this all the time. He's just irrational and it's his way or the highway.

I'm having a hard time hanging out with these people and their such a big part of his life I don't know what to do. It's too the point I dread going over to his house because they live next door. Not to mention the lot we have to build our house on shares the same driveway as his sisters boyfriend. I'm really at a loss for what to say or do! I've been having troubles sleeping and whenever I try to express my feelings its always that I'm over reacting or I just have to "deal with it or say nothing." Why is it ok to be treated so poorly and to just "take it." I don't know how much more I can take. I've tried just sucking it up and I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt a lot too the point its affecting my sleep!

Any advise would be appreciated!
what up homie!? long time no see...well I'd ask how you're doing, but you've already mentioned it lol. anyways, glad you've graced us with your presence.

I think maybe you should stop going over there. Why not invite your b/f of 3 years over to your pad so that it can just be you two? I understand he always wants to kick it with the homies, that's how guys are, but I honestly feel like he's losing you. He might not know it and you not showing up more often will force him to acknowledge that something isn't going as routine as he had it.

The next time he asks you to come over just say, "No, thanks." He will be expecting the opposite and I bet he'll be coming around at the end of the day asking "what's wrong? Baby, talk to me. Why didn't you wanna come over to see me, I love you so much I do I do I dooooo muahmuahmuah" lol at that point you can smack him and tell him to cut that shit out! lol Now he wants to talk to you because he's the one who's feelings are hurt...

To think, that because I couldn't tell my friend to shut up for once and knock it off, that I'm going to lose a great girl... I'd never live it down.

You need to stop putting up with this shit. If he wants to be an asshole with his friend then he can, without you!


ps. Time invested in people is just like money. It was fun spending it when you had it. And that only goes to say, "You'll make more."
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Old 08-27-2013   #5
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Re: Trouble in paradise

your boyfriend actually sounds like a passive jerk. won't talk about your relationship issues that are important to you? declares you are over-reacting? likes his friends be dicks and go off on you?

since you're moving into the neighborhood and don't plan on leaving him, put up or shut up.

lay it out on the line, give him an ultimatum about addressing the issues and if he won't then leave him. OR just deal with it. it's basically all you can do.

oh, and pretty much what zana said.
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Old 08-27-2013   #6
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Be brave Young Jagged.
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Old 08-29-2013   #7
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Re: Trouble in paradise

First Reaction: Sounds like a lot of factors in this situation are very immature. They have to be to think that drunk driving or boating is ok...

I'm with Zana on this one. I think she gave you some excellent tips. Unfortunately I just gave rep a post of yours that made me giggle so you're going to either have to give me unlimited rep or wait patiently for me to spread rep to other deserving posts.

Not to be repetitive but your opinion has to be taken into consideration here, and your boyfriend needs to defend it (and you) to his family.

Having been in a similar situation and having watched my own parents live through a similar one, I have to say that I am completely against simply putting up with it and being civil. Its not worth it, especially if you are not being treated the way you deserve to be. If these are people that have already decided for whatever ridiculous reason that they do not like you (and seriously, they would be crazy to think so. Obviously everyone here knows you are awesome) and their decision hurts your or effects you negatively in any way, then something is not right. It's damaging towards you and you should not have to live with that. But somethings gotta give. Your boyfriend can't have the best of both worlds, and honestly I think these people would screw off if he told them to, but by ignoring it/ refusing to address it, he is only enabling their behaviour. If he chooses to address it and it doesn't change, I still think you need to rethink your motives for being with him. If you are looking for a serious and lasting relationship, you need to ask yourself "am I willing to put up with this for the rest of my life?" "Is being with him worth it?" Ultimately there a thousands of other guys out there.... One of them AND their family life is bound to be right for you. Don't you dare settle for anything less than perfect. You deserve happiness so don't stop looking until you have it in its entirety.


When in doubt you can always ask "WWSD?" What Would Spades Do? Dump his ass and complain about him in a hallway afterwards while trying to trip innocent passers-by. :P

Also, I think your signature is excellent advice here...
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Old 08-30-2013   #8
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Re: Trouble in paradise

^Everybody sayin' the same thing, I won't bother repeating it again.
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Old 08-30-2013   #9
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Coming from a straight man's mind, your "complaints" are logical but not necessarily life threatening or all that much of a problem. In fact, you "nagging" is really annoying, and it has become so much so that I've blocked it from consideration, or rather avoided, because I already know how the "argument" goes and it's "whining" shit. blahblahblahblah.

Little to be learned here, except keep putting up with that ^ or dump him.

Chances are if that's what's up, he's looking to dump you.

If you dump him, he'll probably turn around and quit being a bitch and then you'll start liking him again.

Follow your heart's desire. Remember that you don't ever waste time...Or well, maybe you do. It's up to you.
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Old 09-01-2013   #10
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Re: Trouble in paradise

I appreciate all the advise, taking it might be the hard part but I know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I'm not going to settle for anything less!

I'll give an update in a few weeks if anything improves if not I guess it was never meant to be. My happiness is just as important as his!

Thanks again everyone for the imput :) !
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Old 09-01-2013   #11
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Re: Trouble in paradise

anytime, we'll always be around
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Chillin is cooperating with your surroundings, unknowing'st of what everything is capable of; and all the while, as it happens and after, to accept without any thought of good or bad, but mainly, just enjoying rather deeply, the moment you had to sit and think. (Not thinking.)

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Old 09-02-2013   #12
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Re: Trouble in paradise

^ Almost smart will live on forever!!!
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Old 09-30-2013   #13
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Here's the update on my relationship that has had me crying on and off for the last two days.

This weekend was my birthday weekend. My boyfriends friends were having a big party (Nothing to do with me) and he wanted to go so I agreed. (My first mistake) I ended up being the DD because we had no way home which is fine I'm ok with it really but then after a few hours of hanging out I decided I was tired and wanted to visit a few friends. (His friends can be assholes, but their parents are all great and I get along with them.) I told him I would come back and pick him up so he could enjoy the evening with his friends. I text and call him after a few hours to no reply, it went to voicemail after a few rings. He calls me back a few minutes later and it was rather quiet so he must have went off to call me. I advise him I'm on the way and I'll call him when I'm there. I show up and go down to the boathouse where they are all and I walk in to find him putting his arm around this other girl her putting her arm around him and them snuggling up to each other laughing. Its really loud and he's really drunk so he doesn't even see me step in. I stand there for a good ten minutes and he doesn't even notice me. I leave the room to try to pull myself together and then go back in and tell him I'm leaving. He comes with me acts like he did fuck all and then passes out in my car. He sleeps on my coach, crawls in bed at like 5am and acts like everything fine. Once again he was too drunk to remember fuck all and I'm left here with that god damn awful image and all he can say is sorry I don't remember? This was suppose to be my fucking night, its my god damn birthday for christ sake I am so angry and I'm at the point I dont know what to do. My parents bought me tickets to new york a month ago for this friday and of course I chose to bring him and its too late to change anything and UGHHHHHHHH SO UPSET.
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Old 09-30-2013   #14
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Don't believe him. He remembers.
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Old 09-30-2013   #15
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Re: Trouble in paradise

I've already said it muchacha.

Dump that douchebag. Find yourself another guy who likes you already. There's no point in thinking this is all okay. It's not okay. But what's really not okay is that you're doing this to yourself. The problem isn't him. It's you.

Why you still with him?




By the way lady, Happy Birthday to you!
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Chillin is cooperating with your surroundings, unknowing'st of what everything is capable of; and all the while, as it happens and after, to accept without any thought of good or bad, but mainly, just enjoying rather deeply, the moment you had to sit and think. (Not thinking.)

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Old 10-01-2013   #16
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Dump the motherfucking asshole.
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Old 10-01-2013   #17
psychoDiablo
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Ya know what? I would tell him he can no longer come with you on the trip. He will ask why the fuck not and you tell him because you're no longer my boytoy. Or whatever the hell you called him. lol

Seriously. Cancel that trip. Fuck that. This is America, it's a free country, you can do whatever you want! People do it all the time!

Lol no really. Tell mom and dad you don't want to take him. Bring your best girlfriend along. She's probably wondering why you're still with that dumbass asking him to go on a trip when you could have asked her lol. Get your friend to go with you. Fuck that guy. He deserves to not get to go on a trip!
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Old 10-02-2013   #18
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Re: Trouble in paradise

See the problem is that its so last minute that none of my friends can get the time off work or come up with the funds to come with! Such a shitty situation!
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Old 10-02-2013   #19
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Re: Trouble in paradise

FUCK IT.

I"m WRITING THIS BIG SO MAYBE YOU WILL READ.

CANCEL THE TRIP OR JUST DON"T TAKE HIM. TAKE YOUR MOTHER WITH YOU.

PS. DUMP THAT BASTARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

IF YOU COME BACK SAYING YOU TOOK HIM ON YOUR TRIP, IMA LAUGH AND SHAKE MY HEAD.
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To chill is to be chillin.
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Old 10-03-2013   #20
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Re: Trouble in paradise

Jesus I would sooo be on that plane with you if my dissertation wasn't due in 7 days. But yeah.... Dump that Mofo as foxy said. You can do WAY better than some self centered jerk that ruined your birthday.

Go get CRUNK. Celebrate your birthday with me in 7 days and have awesome rebound makeouts with sexy guys at a nightclub in Hali.
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