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Old 06-28-2009   #1
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So Fucked Up

My life is so fucked up right now. Or at least everyone else's around me.

A few days after my sister's 21st birthday, she went to a group home-type rehab facility for women. She's been there since the 3rd week of March. She's due to give birth around the beginning of December, I believe. There's a possibility for two different fathers.

Then just a couple of weeks ago, I find out my 17 year old cousin who just graduated high school is pregnant...and actually graduated pregnant. She's got a boyfriend who's even younger than her and a year behind in school. Neither of them have a job, neither of them have their licenses, and hell - neither of them even know how to swim.
And yet they're going to have a baby. Obviously there is a much easier route to take. She's less than 10 weeks along.
She was wanting to start school this fall and eventually transfer to the university I go to, and be a forensic/crime scene-type investigator.
Her mom, my aunt, got married to her father when she was 16. After that, she never got her license until a few years ago, she dropped out of high school and only within the past 10 years she's gotten her license. She was married in like the 70s. My cousin's future is basically already determined for her.

My dad just went back to rehab. Thank god he's finally getting help (again). We'll see if he stays this time; he didn't even finish his week of rapid detox, and came home basically strung out on Rx drugs to keep him from having seizures, having a stroke, going through dt's - because he was such a bad alcoholic. He became an alcoholic before he was even old enough to drink.
Now guess what? He and my sister are both in separate rehabs in North Alabama. They're going to be attending weekly speeches together. And this is the first time he'll have seen her since she's been pregnant. It's all just so fucked.

Another cousin, who's already been to prison - is back to cooking meth. Strung out on meth. His mother had him at 15, and signed her rights over to her parents, and she stayed on drugs all the time. When he moved back with her, he was abused. He's never had a future, and his environment had so much to do to pave the way.

And the sadder part is, as little as I know about what's really going on with my dad, my 10 year old little brother is right in the middle of it because he's the only kid of the four of us my dad sees on a regular basis. So he gets to see my dad drunk all the time and since he's a boy, my dad treats him different and is so hard on him. I've heard him call him "a little asshole" and say things like "you're just like your fucking momma".
I've had to hear him call me drunk and crying, telling me how much he loved me and was proud of me and "always was", just repeating himself, feeling sorry for himself, saying how much of a horrible father he was, then gets off the phone like all he wanted to do was call and say how sorry he was. And then I'm left terrified, hoping to God he doesn't commit suicide. A few years ago he slipped in such a drunken, deep depression that he DID try to commit suicide. The gun was in his mouth, he pulled the trigger. Only the gun never fired. And still won't.

But I'm seeing before me now, a whole new generation of us turning as fucked as our parents - and it's because their childhoods were just as fucked up.
My mom and her sisters used to get their asses kicked by their parents. Literally - down on the floor being kicked. There was even a mention from my aunt to my cousin about sexual abuse. On my dad's side, his paternal grandpa was rumored to have sexually abused my aunts. And there was suspicion that he sexually abused my cousin - the son of my dad's older brother.

But I see this generation turning just as fucked up as our parents' are. There's no one black sheep to the family - there are hardly any of us who have escaped unscathed. I thought my cousin who just graduated and her younger twin brothers would be the only of us not to already be tainted, but no.

I mean, where does it end?

None of the four of us grandaughters has esaped being knocked up and/or having some kind of fucked up sexual experience that's left us scarred. The two grandsons have been arrested multiple times, accused of domestic violence, had drug charges and drug problems.

I don't know when the cycle's going to be broken.
Anyways, just wanted to rant. Nothing I really feel bad about, only I wonder how to escape the reality of the situation or accept it, and how to try and be something different. I guess I've just been lucky that I chose not to have my pregnancy, and that I never got busted for drugs, or arrested because I'm so fucked up I've blacked out - but still gone driving and nearly having wrecks. Lucky that I've not been raped or killed by some of these people I haven't even known that I've gone off with - not even caring of the consequences.
But not matter the circumstances now, or how positive things are in my life, or how much I've changed my life around and learned to see things differently and try to be something better, I still feel tainted. Who'd want my family? Or be able to deal with some of my history? I've already stayed in a psychiatric hospital. How can you hide those things from people close to you? And how can you have the guts to talk about them? I feel like some of the things I've dealt with all my life are things some people can't even bare to hear without feeling so sad. And that pisses me off because it's what I've felt all my life was normal.

Until my sister's baby was determined a boy AND THEN tested to not have the genetic disorder that would make him possibly a vegetable, or high functioning mentally handicapped kids - until then, my step-brother and his wife has gotten the impression from my stepfather that we can't produce fit grandsons, and that it was up to him to produce basically someone to pass on the family name. That baby will probably be treated like a little prince for all that - beating the odds, as everyone feels - and all that. Being normal, and offering my sister just a less fucked up future.
I have no intention of ever baring a child. I'll do what I can to make the environment one that's positive and healthy and nurturing, but I refuse to pass on the "crazy" genes that run rampant through my family. Mental illness, addiction/alcoholism, the curse of knowing your body is set up to produce broken baby boys.
I'm really surprised I've found someone who's willing to accept all that. But I still don't know who'd be willing to live with that forever. I don't even know what my point in all this is. I'm so uber bipolar and emo on these forums sometimes.
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Old 06-29-2009   #2
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Re: So Fucked Up

I only read part of this?

Care to summarize it? I'm sure it's stuff I've heard all before.
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Old 06-29-2009   #3
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Re: So Fucked Up

This will be much easier to follow if you just go ahead and star on Jerry Springer.
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Old 06-29-2009   #4
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Re: So Fucked Up

TL;DR

How on earth can people screw up life so much? you only get one chance so make the best of it. Its really not hard
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Old 06-29-2009   #5
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Re: So Fucked Up

Hey, let's be nice.

junki, she's from Alabama... they don't let people from that state go on Jerry Springer because it's more than the show can handle.

And grant, yeah I didn't read it either. That's why I asked for a summary... but then, I talked to Jasmine on the phone so I kinda understand most of what she was saying... it sucks to be her right now.
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Old 06-29-2009   #6
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Re: So Fucked Up

I was serious. The post, and the the post about getting dumped, show a need to vent and a thirst for attention. Get on Springer, air it out, and nobody in lizard nad, AL will ever forget the appearance.
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Old 06-29-2009   #7
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Re: So Fucked Up

Heh, that's probably not a bad idea after all.

But then, isn't Almost Smart something of a Jerry Springer-like outlet anyway? At least, for some.
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Old 06-29-2009   #8
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Re: So Fucked Up

Quote:
Originally Said by junki View Post
I was serious. The post, and the the post about getting dumped, show a need to vent and a thirst for attention. Get on Springer, air it out, and nobody in lizard nad, AL will ever forget the appearance.
hardly a thirst for attention.

thank you though mister psychologist.
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Old 06-29-2009   #9
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Re: So Fucked Up

Tell your cousin to get an abortion.
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Old 06-29-2009   #10
hai Jay
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Re: So Fucked Up

no shit that would be the easiest thing for her to do. but she's keeping it. meh. everyone's got their own choices to make.
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Old 07-01-2009   #11
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Re: So Fucked Up

my family is fucked up to, mostly how the treat each other, no one does drugs or anything. The best thing for you to do is be the best you can and finish school and try to be happy.

I am also going through issues with my family and the treatment I receive on occasion. I finally took a stand and it made me look like a bitch but I felt like I had to tell them how I felt and separate myself a bit from their behavior.

Sometimes I feel like I want to move away just to get away from the drama and all. It would make me feel better for a while, but they are my family and I would miss them. Its hard to feel good when the people around you are fuck heads, drugged out or just dicks. Its hard to rise above and be the better person and there has been many times that I wanted to kick my own family's heads in because they do stupid things or aren't doing what they should be doing.
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Old 08-13-2009   #12
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Re: So Fucked Up

jasmine, i dont really think youre being fair. everyone is entitled to make their own decisions. how did it make you feel when moma pretty much made you feel like you had no other choice but to have an abortion? and yes, i knew the risk of having a child that would either be a carrier like we are or have what dakota has but it didnt matter. i wasnt concerned either way. and i dont consider dakota a vegetable nor high functioning. he is lucky in a way though. he never has to know evil, he doesnt know when people do him wrong. and ive always thought about adopting too rather than having my own. after having one abortion though and getting a chance to have another there was no way i could do that again. once you feel it moving inside of you, thats all you care about for a while. and yeah, ryder is going to be prone to be an addict/alcoholic and have psychological disorders. but thats where i can step in as his mother and not treat him like we were treated and teach him the right and wrong and give options. do you think that we would have been as fucked up as we are if we were givena little freedom and trusted to make our own decisions? i dont. but the addict/alcoholic thing is kind of hard to prevent because addicts/alcoholics have a chemical in their brain called thq. it can be present at any time in their life.
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Old 08-13-2009   #13
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Re: So Fucked Up

Thank You Jasmine for your input. I am (& Everyone) should be thanking their lucky stars right about now. My life is NO WHERE NEAR the shitty life you and your Alabummer family have accustomed yourselves with.


If you went on Jerry Springer, I bet you'd get a full hour show and a DVD special.
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