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Old 03-28-2005   #1
david
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4 years (unrefined)

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Last edited by david; 10-10-2005 at 12:08 PM.
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Old 03-29-2005   #2
Kali
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Re: 4 years (unrefined)

as warm as the second stanza sounds - the idea of slipping into a couch,and sinking deeply into it, is one that i can't quit get my head round [i start to see limbs disappearing down te side of a settee, like a remote control]. it is a lovely soft image, but perhaps re-consider some of the word choice so it sounds comfortable as opposed to suffocating. i'm not sure why you have a hyphen after 'make love'; it seems unnecessary, unless you plan on putting a connecting one before 'an ugly kind of love' - which would be an interesting technique, i'd like to see how that would work out.

there's no punctuation after 'fuzzy music', which is really the only part of that stanza that's bothering me right now. i'm trying to work out 'dipped lights' but i'm sure i'll get there.

consider losing 'kind of' in the second line of the third stanza. on the other hand, you could just as easily keep it - it depends on the degree of certainty that you're going for.

i'm trying to work out how the musical imagery fits in. the imagery itself is lovely [you're keen on instrumental imagery, aren't you?], but it feels slightly out of place. you're in a bar, making love, having a drink, listening to music - and suddenly here comes this image of unstrung out of tune violins, with nothing to hold onto.

on the other hand, it might work very well, with the link to 'mistiming' - perhaps re-consider the phrase 'firings of passion'; instead find somthing to link in the musical images with the terminology you've opened with. just a thought.

now, see, the last stanza fits with the rest of the piece very well - which caused the third stanza to stand out even further. i'm not sure, i'd have to think about it. 'red haze' isa lovely way to describe the lighting, especially wth the usual connotations that the colour 'red' conjurs up.

all in all, i enjoyed this. perhaps i was being nit-picky - but it's when small things stand out that you know the bigger things must be working.
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Old 03-29-2005   #3
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Re: 4 years (unrefined)

It's appreciated, i've been trying to write a piece about this fucking bar for months.

It's difficult to sound without it being either sleazy or wholly inept. As was said on YP, i will be changing 'make love' and with your suggestion probably be tinkering with the musical imagery.

Haven't had the time to comment on your piece, but all the same there isn't anything to say really. Well structured and written.
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Old 03-29-2005   #4
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Re: 4 years (unrefined)

and if '4 years' means what i think it does [though i could easily be wrong]:

congrats.
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Old 03-29-2005   #5
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Re: 4 years (unrefined)

i would write some legthny crit, but kali pretty much coverd everything better than i could.

i really like the last stanza; im a big fan of great endings, and thats exactly what that is. it nicely rounds of all the musical imagery, and connotes a really nice image of this bar. also, as kali says, it works brilliantly with the stanza precedding it, which is also tip top.

im also not to fond of 'make love' - but youve got that, BUT in that lines defense, it makes 'an ugly kind of love.' into a really great line, and so whatever replacement you come up with, it would be cool to see it continue to reinforce this line.
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Old 03-29-2005   #6
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Re: 4 years (unrefined)

"(We'd slip into a couch,
sink deeply into the black leather
and make love-)

It's the drinks,
Stoli and Zubrowka, Tanquery and Bombay
dashed on the rocks,
basking in the dipped lights and fuzzy music


(an ugly kind of love.
A kind of mistimed firing of passion,
unstrung bows glancing on untuned violins.
The orchestra swelling at saddening moments
unfurling and dwindling without cue)"

i thought these were good. the make love- works out well i think. cuz if you skip the bolded lettering, it goes right to an ugly kind of love.
Also, I'm looking at it like this: The drinks, the lights and music are all ugly love. Getting smashed in a place that's kind of uncomfortable (that's how i feel reading it fuzzy) to get laid.

Sinking into the seat was good. like Kali said, limbs disappearing, Youre getting lost.
I like the ugly love stanza, becuase it fits the 2 stanzas above it. You can either be talking about the bar and it's musik, or you getting drunk at the bar with shitty musik getting laid.

but the last stanza, im not getting. Maybe she's saying, that's why Any of anything in this poem, is happening. a place where everyone goes to do that? hence the same red haze on everyone's faces?
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Old 03-30-2005   #7
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Amended.

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Last edited by david; 10-10-2005 at 12:09 PM.
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