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Old 06-07-2005   #1
CarolineXenia
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Lenient Lines

Lenient Lines

“consider the shortest distance from x
to y, let x be me, let y be you.”— Martha Collins

The simplicity of a triangle has always caught my eye,
a cleaner version of the heart, easily measured
in degrees rather than splinters.

The negative implication
of being square, rather than
possibly circular,
draws a giggle.

The sheer pointlessness of hexagons,
with their jagged edges
that unnecessarily grab at
your eyes,
like hooks;
makes me wince.

The excess of decagrams:
with their too many shining
3-karat surfaces--
when you ask me,
if you ask me,
please don’t hand me a serrated stone.
I would much rather
your flesh against mine,
than anything that can be
measured.

Last edited by CarolineXenia; 06-07-2005 at 10:30 PM.
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Old 06-08-2005   #2
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Re: 20 Lenient Lines

you know what hun?

i think you just might have managed it.
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Old 06-08-2005   #3
CarolineXenia
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Re: 20 Lenient Lines

Thanks sugar, I'm still dealing with line length issues. But I think I'm gonna be ok.
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Old 06-08-2005   #4
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Re: Lenient Lines

Bearing in mind that I have just finished a perfectly dreadful maths exam, in which out of all the questions, the one I fucked up was about the interior angles of an irregular hexagon, please excuse potentially the most horrid comments I have ever given.

Quote:
“consider the shortest distance from x
to y, let x be me, let y be you.”— Martha Collins

The simplicity of a triangle has always caught my eye,
a cleaner version of the heart, easily measured
in degrees rather than splinters.
How does the x and y make a triangle? or is the first quote not meant to be included in the poem? But I love the way you've suddenly turned maths into matters of the heart. I love the 'degrees rather than splinters' line. Its an interesting idea, one that has never caught my eye, maybe because I haven't had too many splinters, just a few daggers...^.^

Quote:
The negative implication
of being square, rather than
possibly circular,
draws a giggle.
I'm thick, I don't understand this stanza, so I wont comment on it (you can tell I'm in a bad mood, can't you...)


Quote:
The sheer pointlessness of hexagons,
with their jagged edges
that unnecessarily grab at
your eyes,
like hooks;
makes me wince.
Don't ask why, but reading this particular stanza brought about sheer delight in my heart- I can directly relate to this, but those jagged edges bring about irritation and confusion with me... (Oh, by the way, if you're talking about love here, then I'm completely misinterpreting it, so forgive me for that...)

Quote:
The excess of decagrams:
with their too many shining
3-karat surfaces--
when you ask me,
if you ask me,
please don’t hand me a serrated stone.
I would much rather
your flesh against mine,
than anything that can be
measured.
Other than the fact that I have absolutely no clue what decagrams are, I absolutely love this. Is this talking about a ring? if that guy asks you to marry him, you wouldn't want an amazing ring, with all the measurements in the world...

you would rather have him that anything else...

sorry about this if it offends you in any way...

cheers,

thanks for the read.
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Old 06-08-2005   #5
CarolineXenia
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Re: 20 Lenient Lines

"“consider the shortest distance from x
to y, let x be me, let y be you.”— Martha Collins

The simplicity of a triangle has always caught my eye,
a cleaner version of the heart, easily measured
in degrees rather than splinters. "

This doesn't refer to a triangle, but a line. A line is the shortest distance between any two points. Do you think the stanza break is enough to separate the two ideas or is it muddled together?


"I'm thick, I don't understand this stanza, so I wont comment on it (you can tell I'm in a bad mood, can't you...)" [L.Mb]

Well you're right it could be a little clearer. It's referring to the anachronistic expression of "being square" or being, well kinda a loser. That stanza implies that the writer [me] would prefer to be square than possibly fat.

"I have absolutely no clue what decagrams are."

A decagram is a geometric shape with ten sides.

"sorry about this if it offends you in any way... "

I never get offended by critiques, my favourites are the ones that shred rather than pat. I like to know what I can do to improve the poem, though it is nice to hear that people enjoy it as well.
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Old 06-08-2005   #6
CarolineXenia
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Re: 20 Lenient Lines

p.s. I know how you feel, I am preparing for what will be a dreadful math exam.
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Old 06-08-2005   #7
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Re: 20 Lenient Lines

*dusts off knives*

Quote:
Originally Said by carolinexenia
“consider the shortest distance from x
to y, let x be me, let y be you.”— Martha Collins
(...)

The simplicity of a triangle has always caught my eye,
a cleaner version of the heart, easily measured
Not so keen on 'cleaner', if you could find a word similar to angular or even 'efficient' it would flow smoother.
in degrees rather than splinters.
'Splinters' is again alright, however i feel (this is just me) that there is a lingo for mathematics - therefore this emotion defies the clinical approach.


The negative implication
of being square, rather than
possibly circular,
Why the possibly instead of slapping the reader with circular?
draws a giggle.


The sheer pointlessness of hexagons,
with their jagged edges
that unnecessarily grab at
Grab is too subtle here; reconsider?
your eyes,
like hooks;
makes me wince.
Wince is too soft; again, reconsider?


The excess of decagrams:
with their too many shining
3-karat surfaces--
when you ask me,
if you ask me,
Perhaps bracket this line to further emphasise space?
please don’t hand me a serrated stone.
I would much rather
your flesh against mine,
than anything that can be
measured.
Consider a linkage back to the presented comment of S1. Maybe suggesting the lack of options provided by defining things as X and Y?


Well, that's all i had to say; I very much enjoyed reading this. I feel that your message could be conveyed with less comparison of shapes but then I've always liked things that are short and suitably sweet.
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Last edited by david; 06-09-2005 at 04:55 AM.
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Old 06-08-2005   #8
CarolineXenia
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Re: 20 Lenient Lines

I some how expected more.
But then again that seems to be a trend with me.
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