Almost Smart  

Go Back   Almost Smart > Media Room > Writer's Corner

Writer's Corner The pen is mightier than the sword. Post your writings or poetry. Also discuss your favorite authors or books.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-19-2005   #1
CarolineXenia
adam'sgirl
 
CarolineXenia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Age: 35
Posts: 63
Rep Power: 32
CarolineXenia is doing greatCarolineXenia is doing great
Send a message via MSN to CarolineXenia
Flogging

Flogging

Thick dripping clouds
smeared across a, nearly,
robin(egg)-blue sky.

If I were religious
I would picture God, the chef,
(draped in a “kiss the cook” apron)
taking a whisk covered
in freshly whipped cream,
flicking his wrist, with artistic finesse,
painting the sky (except the sun)
for my aesthetic pleasure.

Unfortunately I will have
to come to terms with
the fact that those puffs are
merely condensed water,

and God isn’t.

Last edited by CarolineXenia; 05-19-2005 at 09:48 AM. Reason: egg & final space
CarolineXenia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #2
~Angel RieS #7~
Crazy ^.^
 
~Angel RieS #7~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Turkey... but i'm in Kuwait now.
Age: 30
Posts: 261
Rep Power: 32
~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about
Re: Flogging

sounds like a weird poem.. err.. if i were u i'd re-write it. make it more interesting. and be careful with ur punctuation.. but i'm sure they're careless mistakes!
I like it though. well done.
__________________
kaaaaaaaaaaaaak
~Angel RieS #7~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #3
CarolineXenia
adam'sgirl
 
CarolineXenia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Age: 35
Posts: 63
Rep Power: 32
CarolineXenia is doing greatCarolineXenia is doing great
Send a message via MSN to CarolineXenia
Re: Flogging

You should read Cummings, and then come back to me about classical mistakes.
CarolineXenia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #4
david
Elite Member
 
david's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Dundee, City of Neddery, Scotland.
Age: 36
Posts: 1,419
Rep Power: 42
david has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to david
Re: Flogging

y
o
u
should read cu(m)mings,
and th(e)n
COME BACK
to me about c(l)ass(i)cal mista(kes.)
__________________
Stop Rape, Say yes.
david is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #5
CarolineXenia
adam'sgirl
 
CarolineXenia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Age: 35
Posts: 63
Rep Power: 32
CarolineXenia is doing greatCarolineXenia is doing great
Send a message via MSN to CarolineXenia
Re: Flogging

I'(a)m n
ot quite
a
s dar(ing) a
some.
CarolineXenia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #6
Stu
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Scotland
Age: 35
Posts: 1,368
Rep Power: 40
Stu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart godStu is an Almost Smart god
Re: Flogging

Quote:
Originally Said by CarolineXenia
Flogging

Thick dripping clouds
smeared across a, nearly,
robin-blue sky.

If I were religious
I would picture God, the chef,
(draped in a “kiss the cook” apron)
taking a whisk covered
in freshly whipped cream,
flicking his wrist, with artistic finesse,
painting the sky (except the sun)
for my aesthetic pleasure.

Unfortunately I will have
to come to terms with
the fact that those puffs are
merely condensed water,
and God isn’t.
Line 1: I would put a comma after 'Thick': other than for punctuation, the poem reads better with a pause there. Also, whether it is supposed to be raining or not is unclear, but whether or not it is, clouds never look like they're 'dripping'.

Line2: If the clouds were smeared, they wouldn't look like clouds. I would remove the comma inbetween 'a' and 'nearly' : It interrupts the rhythm.

Line 9: There must be a better word than 'painting', since you're talking about God as a chef. 'Painting' evokes a contradictory image to the word 'flicking', used the line before.

Line 13: 'Puffs' gives a different image to 'smeared'.

Line 15: Where did this comaprison between God and condensed water come from? You compare Him to a chef, perhaps accidentally an artist, but the last line comes out of nowhere.

I really like this poem, however. The idea is cute. I, however, may have missed the point. My criticism might be wholly un-intelligent drivel.
__________________
Grr.
Stu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #7
~Angel RieS #7~
Crazy ^.^
 
~Angel RieS #7~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Turkey... but i'm in Kuwait now.
Age: 30
Posts: 261
Rep Power: 32
~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about
Re: Flogging

but i was just trying to help you make it better... :(
__________________
kaaaaaaaaaaaaak
~Angel RieS #7~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #8
CarolineXenia
adam'sgirl
 
CarolineXenia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Age: 35
Posts: 63
Rep Power: 32
CarolineXenia is doing greatCarolineXenia is doing great
Send a message via MSN to CarolineXenia
Re: Flogging

Quote:
Originally Said by ~Angel RieS #7~
but i was just trying to help you make it better... :(

Then tell me what exactly you don't like about, which lines you think I should change. I hate vagueness. Thanks for trying at any rate, with a bit more detail you might just become a decent critique.
CarolineXenia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #9
CarolineXenia
adam'sgirl
 
CarolineXenia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Age: 35
Posts: 63
Rep Power: 32
CarolineXenia is doing greatCarolineXenia is doing great
Send a message via MSN to CarolineXenia
Re: Flogging

Quote:
Originally Said by Stu
Line 1: I would put a comma after 'Thick': other than for punctuation, the poem reads better with a pause there. Also, whether it is supposed to be raining or not is unclear, but whether or not it is, clouds never look like they're 'dripping'.

Line2: If the clouds were smeared, they wouldn't look like clouds. I would remove the comma inbetween 'a' and 'nearly' : It interrupts the rhythm.

Line 9: There must be a better word than 'painting', since you're talking about God as a chef. 'Painting' evokes a contradictory image to the word 'flicking', used the line before.

Line 13: 'Puffs' gives a different image to 'smeared'.

Line 15: Where did this comaprison between God and condensed water come from? You compare Him to a chef, perhaps accidentally an artist, but the last line comes out of nowhere.

I really like this poem, however. The idea is cute. I, however, may have missed the point. My criticism might be wholly un-intelligent drivel.

I like the first comma. I don't think whether (weather hehe) it's raining or not really matters with this poem.

I'm not sure about the painting it was more the idea of a creator I was evoking, however if it is distracting I'll have to review that.

If you want to see smeared puffs of clouds go to my website and check out activities (I don't know how to post a picture). There is a picture where my rugby team is posing (thus not a game photo).
We tend to get a lot of cloud formations like that during the Quebec spring. I tried to describe it; I'll give it another crack.

Stanza three is possible because I begin stanza two with "if", thus paving the way for me to say that I am not religious.

Thank you for your comments you pointed out a lot of things that I didn't take note of. An outside perspective is always very useful when it comes to poetry.
CarolineXenia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #10
~Angel RieS #7~
Crazy ^.^
 
~Angel RieS #7~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Turkey... but i'm in Kuwait now.
Age: 30
Posts: 261
Rep Power: 32
~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about
Re: Flogging

I liked all the lines! but just asked u to improve the poem. Make it longer i mean. It would be more interesting don't u think?
and be careful with the punctuation. eg
Quote:
a, nearly
u can't say that. must be "a nearly."
im jst trying to help u... not criticise or anything. coz i really liked ur poem...
__________________
kaaaaaaaaaaaaak
~Angel RieS #7~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #11
CarolineXenia
adam'sgirl
 
CarolineXenia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Age: 35
Posts: 63
Rep Power: 32
CarolineXenia is doing greatCarolineXenia is doing great
Send a message via MSN to CarolineXenia
Re: Flogging

Quote:
Originally Said by ~Angel RieS #7~
I liked all the lines! but just asked u to improve the poem. Make it longer i mean. It would be more interesting don't u think?
and be careful with the punctuation. eg u can't say that. must be "a nearly."
im jst trying to help u... not criticise or anything. coz i really liked ur poem...

Criticism is good, if it is constructive.


The reason I chose to have two commas is that then a person could read it has "a nearly robin(egg)-blue sky" or they could simply read "a robin(egg)-blue sky".
This is because if God is real then the sky would be robin blue (ie perfect), but because of the comma the reader can decide whether God is perfect or not. As the writer I don't want to impose my views.
CarolineXenia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #12
~Angel RieS #7~
Crazy ^.^
 
~Angel RieS #7~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Turkey... but i'm in Kuwait now.
Age: 30
Posts: 261
Rep Power: 32
~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about~Angel RieS #7~ has a spectacular aura about
Re: Flogging

oh right...okay i get it now.
__________________
kaaaaaaaaaaaaak
~Angel RieS #7~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2005   #13
david
Elite Member
 
david's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Dundee, City of Neddery, Scotland.
Age: 36
Posts: 1,419
Rep Power: 42
david has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond reputedavid has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to david
Re: Flogging

Quote:
Originally Said by angel ries #7
Quote:
a, nearly

u can't say that. must be "a nearly."
Irony, methinks.
__________________
Stop Rape, Say yes.
david is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Flogging Molly - Within A Mile From Home Indiana Tones Music 0 12-07-2004 02:45 PM
My Flogging Molly CD kyle Music 6 01-09-2004 09:46 AM
Flogging Molly Concert AcidKat Music 9 08-12-2003 01:23 AM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:09 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2000 - 2006, Almost Smart