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Old 05-16-2005   #1
CarolineXenia
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Deliverance From Ambiguity

Her fingers tunneled into the exposed
white stomach of the nurseís couch,
toes curled, lip pursed, waiting.

As she heard the nurseís hefty footsteps
returning to a white room:
she hurriedly withdrew her mischievous fingers,
and thrusted a stained navy pillow,
hastily, over the hole.

The nurse didnít bother to comfort her,
rather she thrusted a package at her
and barked instructions.

She had lost track,
She had allowed the days
to blend into a Monet.

One blue line,
the negative presence of life.

EDIT revision:

Deliverance From Ambiguity

Her fingers tunnel through the exposed
white stomach of the nurseís couch,
toes curled, lips pursed, waiting.

As she hears the nurseís hefty footsteps
returning to a white room:
she hurriedly withdraws her mischievous fingers,
and trusts a stained pillow,
over the hole.

The nurse doesnít bother to comfort her,
rather she thrusts a package at her
and barks instructions.

She had allowed the days
to blend into a Monet.

One blue line,
the negative presence of life.

Last edited by CarolineXenia; 05-16-2005 at 04:15 PM.
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Old 05-16-2005   #2
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

Wow.

I'm being kicked off the computer as I type this. I just wanted to say that it's fucking amazing. I'll make a real comment in the later, I will. But for now just - wow.
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Old 05-16-2005   #3
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

its amazing, well done. just one typo though 'rather she trusted a package at her' do u mean thrusted? apart from thats it really good
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Old 05-16-2005   #4
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

Sweet...

I think this is the best poem you've posted on here so far...

I love the last line... its got finesse...

And, like Kali, your titles are grabbing and unique...

Cheers
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Old 05-16-2005   #5
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

I still think that the last stanza should run as a recurring theme (oxymoron-tastic).

The Monet thing, i now realise, is a little nudge and wink to Prufrock. Which are nice, but it shouldn't be a one off thing (maybe i'm just an imagist) and i feel could be expanded into a piece all on its own.

Maybe i'll have a crack at that...

Otherwise, a fantastic thing that upstages the current slew of unbelievably drab 'poetry' that is floating around the forum. Kuwaiti invasion? Never thought we'd see the day...
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Old 05-16-2005   #6
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

Quote:
Originally Said by Scourge
I still think that the last stanza should run as a recurring theme (oxymoron-tastic).

The Monet thing, i now realise, is a little nudge and wink to Prufrock. Which are nice, but it shouldn't be a one off thing (maybe i'm just an imagist) and i feel could be expanded into a piece all on its own.

Maybe i'll have a crack at that...

Feel free, but you must post what you come up with.
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Old 05-16-2005   #7
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

why the must?
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Old 05-16-2005   #8
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

Why not?


Plus it'll dilute the heavy concentration of angsty crap.


p.s. You haven't posted something since your sonnet.
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Old 05-16-2005   #9
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

bearing in mind that i'm half asleep and i seriously need to take my contacts out before my eyes feel like they're scratched right through, here's a little looky at your piece. i'm not promising anything great - just initial reactions really.

Her fingers tunneled into the exposed
white stomach of the nurseís couch,
toes curled, lip pursed, waiting.

i don't think you need 'into' - to 'tunnel' something already suggests delving deeper into it and creating a passage. then again, i could be wrong. i probably am. in fact, i think i've changed my mind already.

'lip pursed'? or 'lips'? i don't think i've ever seen somebody purse one lip - unless it was over the other, which just looks like you're wetting your lips very strangely.

the image, however, is very nice - accurate, terse.


As she heard the nurseís hefty footsteps
returning to a white room:
she hurriedly withdrew her mischievous fingers,
and thrusted a stained pillow,
hastily, over the hole.

i think that 'hurriedly' renders 'hastily' redundant. because the two movements are linked with 'and' there's a suggestion that the whole think is done in haste, and i think 'hastily' just detracts from the speed of the image by making you think about it that fraction too long.

the metaphor is obvious. it's at this point that garwy's comment about tenses really strikes me - and i can see where he's coming from. for such a poignant situation, you'd think that placing the reader in the room with you would have more of an effect. and, personally, i think it would - but that's your call.

maybe give it a go and see what you think.


The nurse didnít bother to comfort her,
rather she trusted a package at her
and barked instructions.

not only am i pretty sure 'trusted' should read 'thrusted', i'm also fairly certain it should say 'thrust' in order to be grammatically correct - unless you're using a turn of phrase i'm unfamiliar with.

'barked' plays well off 'heavy'. lovely little touches of character.


She had lost track,
She had allowed the days
to blend into a Monet.

a lovely image here. i read that someone found it repetitive - perhaps it is. personally that doesn't bother me, but on the other hand, if you were to remove the first line, i don't think it would do any harm, so that depends on personal preference as far as i can see - yours, that is.


One blue line,
the negative presence of life.

if i'm to be perfectly honest, i stumbled over this last line. i know what it says - but then, i knew what it said the moment you mentioned the colour 'blue'. the second line, to me, draws it out a little too much and feels, and i hate to say this, overly-poetic. the idea is lovely, but it feels like you were looking for an arty way of saying it.

well you found it. but i'm not sure i'm particularly keen. 'negative presence' is just too much of a paradox for my head to cope with right now.

then again, perhaps i'll like it in the morning.
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Old 05-16-2005   #10
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

Exam go alright?

------------

Also, did you not feel that the last stanza should've been a recurring feature (at least in part)?
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Old 05-16-2005   #11
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

it went ok, i think. i hope.

...

i think the colour blue might have been worth chucking in earlier - or perhaps even a mixture: blue and pink, in order to create the ambiguity that is removed at the end. maybe that could be done through monet - maybe even through the couch or the stained pillow.

just a thought.

...

also, just a quick realisation concerning the first line:

the reason it's bothering me so much is that i'm almost certian the phrase should be 'tunneled through', as opposed to 'into'.

i have a few comments on this piece regarding punctuation also, but i'll wait till you're done drafting the words.
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Old 05-16-2005   #12
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

great minds, many miles.
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Old 05-16-2005   #13
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Re: Deliverance From Ambiguity

thanks for reminding me.
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