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Old 05-08-2005   #1
CarolineXenia
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Naked

Naked

Theyíre almost here,
you can feel the tension.
Itís been building since that first day
the mound of snow in my back yard
began to melt.
A mound so monstrous that it needs to lean
against the length of my houseís brick belly
to heave up its great weight.

That was five weeks ago.

Itís not so much that I want the leaves
to come back, though it would be niceó
itís simply that the trees are tired of being naked
and you can tell.




EDIT: after revision

Naked

Theyíre almost here;
you can feel the tension.
Itís been building since the first day
that mound of snow in my back yard
began to melt: a mound so monstrous
that it needed to lean against the length
of my houseís brick belly
to heave up its great weight.

That was five weeks ago.

Itís not so much that I want the leaves
to come back(though it would be nice)ó
itís simply that the trees are tired of being naked
and you can tell.

Last edited by CarolineXenia; 05-08-2005 at 03:09 PM. Reason: Revision
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Old 05-08-2005   #2
Kali
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Re: Naked

a couple of little things here:

i don't think the punctuation at the end of the first line is strong enough - i think you either need to make it a line of its own, or detach it further from the second line, perhaps with a hyphen or a semi-colon. the line has such a sense of foreboding to it that the next line diminishes it ever so slightly - which steals its punch somewhat.

consider 'the' first day as opposed to 'that' - 'that', to me, creates such a gap of time that the piece begins to move into the past which causes a little disparity with its place being so obviously in the present in the next three lines.

after melt i would look at having a colon instead of a full stop - because of the fact that you're going on to describe the 'mound of snow' mentioned previously. there's an obvious link between these two lines, and the full stop, to me, separates them too much when they're part of the same idea - the second sentence being an extension of the image in the first.

and then suddenly we have: 'That was five weeks ago' which throws the tenses of the first stanza into a whirlwind of confusion. so did you actually mean to say 'needed' as opposed to 'needs' etc - or have we moved forward in time?

i'm fairly sure it's the latter, but i'm not sure how clear that it. it caught me off-guard if i'm to be honest. upon re-reading it's growing on me, but perhaps i'm being leniant because i understand the intention behind the words. then again, having it as a line on its own does make it rather clear. i think this is something i need to come back to.

'thought it would be nice' doesn't feel separated enough - it's really quite an aside, but doesn't come across as one strongly enough. you could afford to stick it in parentheses - whether brackets or hyphens - but i don't think that a comma hits the spot here.

just a little thought here concerning the last line: being that it's on a line of its own, it doesn't separate it somewhat, but because of the enjambement, it is still very much a part of the line before. i think that it can afford to stand as a line of its own - and in a way it'll parallel the punch struck in the first stanza [which then plays on parallels over time and across seasons].

i really enjoyed this though - it's not your best, but it's good for what it is.

i remember chris once describing someone's piece as a scone - or something of the thought. that's how i see this piece - it's good for what it is, and doesn't pretend to be anything more than that.

and i like scones.
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Old 05-08-2005   #3
CarolineXenia
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Re: Naked

I can't say I'm a big fan of scones myself; I'm more of a muffin girl myself.

When I was looking over it before posting I did question the use of time in this piece. Thanks for confirming that. It'll be the first thing I go over.

As per the punctuation, it is your fetish not mine. But I concur on all accounts anyways.

thanks for taking the time, and effort, to look over this.

I'll pop out the next version in a while.

Last edited by CarolineXenia; 05-08-2005 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 05-08-2005   #4
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Re: Naked

I like the poem... its an interesting idea...

I don't have the willpower to give you a long crit like Kali does... but then again... she's seventeen, and an amazing poet...

I like the last stanza... its an interesting and humourous idea...

thanks for the read...lol
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Old 05-08-2005   #5
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Re: Naked

admittedly, i have a rather worrying obsession with punctuation.

it helped a lot with the triolets though.

i just realised - i was all crit and no praise: i love the idea behind this. oh so bittersweet. not to mention the fact that i miss the snow like hell, so this went straight to the bottom of canada-frosted heart [blame calgary].

but yes - the time is the main issue here. clear that up and you'll have a scone so lovely even you would eat it.
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Old 05-08-2005   #6
CarolineXenia
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Re: Naked

I'm glad you liked it Lady Macbeth.
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Old 05-08-2005   #7
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Re: Naked

Quote:
Originally Said by CarolineXenia
Naked

Theyíre almost here,
you can feel the tension.
Itís been building since that first day
the mound of snow in my back yard
began to melt.
A mound so monstrous that it needs to lean
against the length of my houseís brick belly
to heave up its great weight.

That was five weeks ago.

Itís not so much that I want the leaves
to come back, though it would be niceó
itís simply that the trees are tired of being naked
and you can tell.




EDIT: after revision

Naked

Theyíre almost here;
you can feel the tension.
Itís been building since the first day
that mound of snow in my back yard
began to melt: a mound so monstrous
that it needed to lean against the length
of my houseís brick belly
to heave up its great weight.

That was five weeks ago.

Itís not so much that I want the leaves
to come back(though it would be nice)ó
itís simply that the trees are tired of being naked
and you can tell.
actually, i like the first one better. to me, it seems you added more crap for no reason. shoulda left it the way it was. it read perfectly to me.

and tha twas cool. i though tyou were gonna say something about the snow melting and go with your title, but instead it's the trees. neat.
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Old 05-08-2005   #8
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Re: Naked

Secretly, i have incredible problems with poetry. I cannot read it, and writing is such a pain that i tend to labour over the vague points that i try to read all poetry with. Outwardly, i like to spout nonsense about 'imagery' and 'metre' and 'pentameter' when -in actual fact- i have no idea about these things. Just thin concepts and poorly gathered second-hand opinions.

But, fuck, i'll have a crack. Why not, can't do nothing but make some people laugh.

Quote:
Originally Said by CarolineXenia
Naked

Theyíre almost here;
you can feel the tension.
Why a full stop here? The period gives us a feeling of ironic tension; if it were tense there'd be a comma (for mild tension) a semi-colon (for a greater tension) or a colon for the greatest tension. Yes?
Itís been building since the first day
I just plain don't like building. If this poem is as sexual as it seems wouldn't 'mounting' be appropriately clichťd?
that mound of snow in my back yard
began to melt: a mound so monstrous
Sorry, i don't like monstrous. Never have, never will. I don't have a suggestion, just dislike. Mound, however, is good; We all know (at least the guys do) the synonyms for the female equipment.
that it needed to lean against the length
Heh, length. Anyone else read a penis analogy here?
of my houseís brick belly
So you are brick? Does that make you... unbreakable then, or now?... and then in a sexual sense also?
to heave up its great weight.
If this is a critique of male's and their lack of care "its" is great, i feel that is a good use of the impersonal; however this is balanced out by the use of "great"... yeah, you guessed it, i just don't like the word. Call me a pedant, you wouldn't be the first intelligent female to.

That was five weeks ago.
Holy shit! we just got a complete time-warp! I recall something i wrote some time ago "where man built fire/left throbbing embers to burn/upon the menace of his faded desire./I brought kerosene." the last line being a seperate stanza; it's the punch, the punch of the piece. You've been suckered by the lull and brooding tone of the first stanza and then the turn hits back with a vengance. I like this, lots.

Itís not so much that I want the leaves
to come back(though it would be nice)ó
This parenthesised afterthrought is nice, but feels odd in the context of the piece. I just 'feel' that this is a bit soft considering the pounding that you are giving this guy throughout the rest of it; a soft spot can be comforting and reveal assets of your character (or the character) that would otherwise be looked over. Conversely, as is the case here, it can upset the flow making it feel as if the writer had second thoughts about being so nasty and critical in the first place.
itís simply that the trees are tired of being naked
and you can tell.
You should use the accusatory tone more often in this piece, it feels rather out of place here as if you're trying to insert a second 'punch' for the reader to take.
I like this, i confess, but there are some areas that bug the hell out of me. Ver' good, ver' good.
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Old 05-08-2005   #9
CarolineXenia
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Re: Naked

Quote:
Originally Said by Scourge
If this poem is as sexual as it seems

I'm not going to sit here and pretend to be something I'm not. Consciously this piece had nothing sexual about it, while I was writing; reading it again after your first reference to it being sexual changed the whole piece for me.
I like it better now, especially with mounting.
I appreciate the criticism, and will look into a few areas (building has already been scrapped).

Once again thanks.

Last edited by CarolineXenia; 05-08-2005 at 06:49 PM. Reason: Html error
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Old 05-08-2005   #10
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Re: Naked

I can show you something i wrote that managed to gain far too much sexual attention; as teenagers, i think it's prerequisite that we are preoccupied with sex.

http://www.almostsmart.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7668
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