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Old 04-25-2003   #1
chicken_sopas
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computer jokes

Bill Gates being seized up by God

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to
see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to
see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and
tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no
matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing
in the water????"

Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."
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Old 04-25-2003   #2
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"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcripts.

Epsidode 3.1 : Windows vs The Borg

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.)

Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows,' through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade.' The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade.' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F..."

Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU
capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack.'

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID
ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together (horrified): "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with pieces of paper."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red
tape' -- it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserves that."
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Old 04-25-2003   #3
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bill gates eternity

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr.
Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all
eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your
life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous
and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked
up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of
people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting
at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To
Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps
into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the
best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a
hole in it and the girl hasn't."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three
keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."
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Old 04-25-2003   #4
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chicken_sopas has made a few great posts
this one was emailed to me. try this one.

Open up Microsoft Word and Type: "I'd sure love to see you naked" Highlight the words, and then go to the Thesaurus.
Good old Billy Gates once again!!
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Old 08-12-2005   #5
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Re: computer jokes

lol, i'll have to try that one.
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Old 08-12-2005   #6
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Re: computer jokes

man these are funny, even though i hate microsoft/windows. xD
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Old 08-13-2005   #7
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Re: computer jokes

Quote:
Originally Said by chicken_sopas
this one was emailed to me. try this one.

Open up Microsoft Word and Type: "I'd sure love to see you naked" Highlight the words, and then go to the Thesaurus.
Good old Billy Gates once again!!
Haha. Oh yes. That IS good.
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Old 08-13-2005   #8
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Re: computer jokes

if need be. if possible. i dont know. i expect.

lol
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Old 08-13-2005   #9
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Re: computer jokes

Quote:
Originally Said by Savage_Nature
Haha. Oh yes. That IS good.
Yes, yes it is. Hehehe.
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Old 08-13-2005   #10
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Re: computer jokes

WHat happens?
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Old 08-16-2005   #11
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Re: computer jokes

Quote:
Originally Said by luminire
man these are funny, even though i hate microsoft/windows. xD
What the crap??? All the jokes are incredibly smashing Microsoft or Bill Gates of which you hate. So obviously they are funny to you, "even though you hate microsoft/windows."
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Old 05-16-2006   #12
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Re: computer jokes

Quote:
Originally Said by chicken_sopas
this one was emailed to me. try this one.

Open up Microsoft Word and Type: "I'd sure love to see you naked" Highlight the words, and then go to the Thesaurus.
Good old Billy Gates once again!!

There is no thesaurus in the Word I got with XP
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Old 05-16-2006   #13
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Re: computer jokes

Quote:
Originally Said by chicken_sopas
this one was emailed to me. try this one.

Open up Microsoft Word and Type: "I'd sure love to see you naked" Highlight the words, and then go to the Thesaurus.
Good old Billy Gates once again!!
Uh.. nothing happened.
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Old 05-16-2006   #14
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Re: computer jokes

Quote:
Originally Said by ablethevoice
There is no thesaurus in the Word I got with XP
Quote:
Originally Said by Kortenie
Uh.. nothing happened.
Good old Billy Gates once again!!

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Last edited by notlob; 05-16-2006 at 11:39 AM.
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