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Old 01-09-2009   #101
pitcairnpete
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

OLD MAN produce a rock that you can not lift.

Then soil yourself.
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Old 01-09-2009   #102
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Quote:
Originally Said by crabapple91 View Post
great forum guys
My dear girl, if you have something to say to this old man, then DO SAY IT! Don't beat around the bush, or the bush may beat around you!!


Quote:
Originally Said by pitcairnpete View Post
OLD MAN produce a rock that you can not lift.

Then soil yourself.
Dear boy... *Gentle head jiggle*

That is wholly nonsense! Do not trouble this old man with philosophical gobbledygook that turns even the greatest of men into statues! Do you want some skinny man wearing a silly, flat hat and toting around an oversized chisel to turn you into a statue, young boy? No, I did not think you did.

Tread carefully! Life is shorter than you can imagine.

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Old 01-09-2009   #103
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

I can imagine a short thing contracted on a cold day. I put it to you old man that you are a numpty and smell of dogs doings. How do you feel about the precocious youth of today now, you old twerp.
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Old 01-09-2009   #104
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

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Originally Said by pitcairnpete View Post
I can imagine a short thing contracted on a cold day. I put it to you old man that you are a numpty and smell of dogs doings. How do you feel about the precocious youth of today now, you old twerp.
*Blank stare (with subtle head jiggle)*

Dear boy, what is a "numpty"? If we are to converse in English, then let us converse in English!! *Emphatic head jiggle*

My feelings...about...to...day's...pre...cocious...yo uth...is that they...they have far too much knowledge...than their young minds can bear! Take heart, dear boy! Life will take its toll. *Closes eyes*
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Old 01-09-2009   #105
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Is dr Kevorkian the boogie man to you old man?
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Old 01-09-2009   #106
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Quote:
Originally Said by Zanahoria_Picante View Post
Dear, impertinent girl...! *Face turns pomegranate red*

When I was YOUR age, this old man had to walk 203 miles through 20 feet of snow completely naked--Just to get a cup of rice to feed his 12 brothers and 12 sisters, 18 dogs, and 5 pet squirrels! We had no motorcars or even bi-cycles, you see! So, do not tell me, young lady, that life in MY day was easy! My dear g--

*Eyes get huge; HAAAAAAACCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

*Long pause*

*Steadies breathing*

Down at the corner drug store, my dear. There, you can get a whole pound of hard candies for just 15 cents....

To ask such a question is to ask ALL questions! Why do anything, my dear boy? The answer is always "because."
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Originally Said by Zanahoria_Picante View Post
I do, dear lad! If one would consider 36 and 1/2 sisters and 1 brother a "large" family, then, yes, dear boy! Never eat raspberries!
Dear old man, how did you gain 24.5 extra sisters and lose 11 brothers? You must have gone through a lot of tragedy to see your mother give birth and your brothers die on you a total of 35.5 times, didn't you?
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Originally Said by Zanahoria_Picante View Post
Little Jimmy: (Tries to pour cereal from box; nothing comes out) "Nothing...for breakfast?"
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Announcer: "Nihilistic Crunch: Now utterly devoid of swirls!"
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Old 01-09-2009   #107
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Does Mr. Sam like sarsaparilla? Or is it as evil as raspberries. (I rather like raspberries )
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Old 01-09-2009   #108
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Quote:
Originally Said by pitcairnpete View Post
Is dr Kevorkian the boogie man to you old man?
Yes, dear boy. How did you know? This old man checks his closet and underneath his bed each evening before he sleeps. Tread carefully, dear boy! Ever so carefully!

Quote:
Originally Said by Mr. Definistrate View Post
Dear old man, how did you gain 24.5 extra sisters and lose 11 brothers? You must have gone through a lot of tragedy to see your mother give birth and your brothers die on you a total of 35.5 times, didn't you?
Dear boy, do not trouble this old man with your fancy, convoluted mathematics! Keep it simple, dear boy! Life is full of REAL troubles beyond recognition.

Quote:
Originally Said by my.dragons.lady View Post
Does Mr. Sam like sarsaparilla? Or is it as evil as raspberries. (I rather like raspberries )
A devilish plant, no doubt in this old man's mind! Never eat raspberries, but NEVER EVER eat sarsapariller, dear girl!!

Keep it simple. Keep it simple and you will do well.
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Old 01-10-2009   #109
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

And rootbeer, M. Sam? (I realize it's the same as sarsaparilla, but hoping by the time it becomes rootbeer that it's safe for consumption. Need to know by tomorrow.)
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Old 01-10-2009   #110
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Friend, do you have any of that good sarsaparilla?
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Old 01-10-2009   #111
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Quote:
Originally Said by my.dragons.lady View Post
And rootbeer, M. Sam? (I realize it's the same as sarsaparilla, but hoping by the time it becomes rootbeer that it's safe for consumption. Need to know by tomorrow.)
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! Beer of any kind is reprehensible! Never drink beverages that come from evil plants, my dear! Life is very short.

Quote:
Originally Said by EmperorChaos
Friend, do you have any of that good sarsaparilla?
Dear boy. Dear, dear boy. There is no advice I could give you that could help you.
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Old 01-10-2009   #112
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

^
^ Unfortunately we do have sarsaparilla, though apparently it should go down the drain. May save it for medicine purposes though! :.)


Does Grampa Sam know what "that's a real bummer" means?
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Old 01-10-2009   #113
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Quote:
Originally Said by my.dragons.lady View Post
^
^ Unfortunately we do have sarsaparilla, though apparently it should go down the drain. May save it for medicine purposes though! :.)


Does Grampa Sam know what "that's a real bummer" means?
Tread carefully, dear girl. *Waves index finger*

DEAR girl, watch your mouth! This old man has warned you and others about the use of FOUUUUUUUUUUL language in this topic!

That said, the hippies had their own brand of foulness, dear girl, and that phrase perfectly exemplifies it! And that is all I will say on the matter.
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Old 01-10-2009   #114
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man







*running*
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Old 01-10-2009   #115
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

*Stern pressing-together-of-the-lips
with intermittent head jiggle*
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Old 01-10-2009   #116
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Is there a Mrs. Sam? Is she nice?
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Old 01-10-2009   #117
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

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Is there a Mrs. Sam? Is she nice?
She was. She was, indeed, young girl.

When we were only kids--like you, dear girl--growing up in Portugal, we fell in love whilst frolicking about in those greenish-colored hills that had grass on them. O, you have never seen hair as pristinely lavender as hers, dear girl, or eyes quite so purely greenish! 57 years we had together, dear one, before she passed into the life after this.... *Wistful head jiggle*

Take heart, dear girl! Life is full of surprises!
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Old 01-10-2009   #118
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

Thank you sir. Was just wondering if she would tolerate rootbeer *sighs wistfully*
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Old 02-22-2009   #119
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

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Thank you sir. Was just wondering if she would tolerate rootbeer *sighs wistfully*
A slightly delayed "you are quite welcome!", dear girl! Chin up, as well. This old man knows you have been entrenched in an incubus of virtual controversy! Keep it simple! Life is very short, my dear girl.

Now, onto business!

In his perusal of the virtual interconnections, this old man has found inspiration:

Self-confidence.

That list could very well use a bit of editing--though it comes very, very close to being correct--for the purposes of providing the purest wisdom, rather than the somewhat WATERED-DOWN version as seen upon that chain link. Thus-'n'-so, this old man has concocted his own list of tips for self-confidence! Keep it simple!

An Elderly Man's Tips For TRUE Self-Confidence:

1. Never wear clothes! Clothes are a burden to the natural man. If you are nervous when going to a job interview or to a job you have already acquired by some (ill or good) means, nudity is the answer! Clothes are lies invented by the government to keep the cotton farms in business. Beware, dear children!

2. Run everywhere you go! Speed will make you appear as if you know where you are going and are not a "glum chum," my dears! Push others out of the way, if necessary, but never lose your speed!

3. Good posture does help! This old man sleeps on a wooden bed made from the finest, sturdiest oak! If you want your back's posture to be as admirable as possible, perfectly straight, take good measure to have your back against a flat surface as much as time allows! Would you like to look like a gorilla, dear children? No, I did not think so.

4. Indeed, memorize famous speeches! The best way to become a confident speaker is to memorize and recite at random the words of those men who helped build our great society! Martin Luther King. Winston Churchill. Halle Berry. Copy the masters, dear ones! Give speeches in your workplace.

5. Remember, you are better than everyone else! If you keep this fact in mind, then you shall surely be much stronger than you ever imagined! Think less of others and never thank them; always elevate your good deeds as being more amiable than others'. This old man has gotten very far in life. Keep it simple!

6. Point out often others' good traits! Despite all appearances, other people deserve complimentary comments as much as you can give them! Tell your boss he or she is beautiful. Thank a customer or co-worker profusely for every action they do. By recognizing the good aspects of other people, you will feel exponentially more confident about your own flaws! If you are attacked in an alley, compliment your attacker profusely on his cleverness and confidence in being able to confront his or her enemies and express his anger! Healthiness comes through experience, dear ones! Quiet your souls.

7. Be the center of attention. There is grave danger in other people receiving the focus of a crowd or small group! If you are at a sporting event--a baseball game, for instance--run onto the field and stand in the center. Fight the security guards when they come but do not flinch until then! Go onto the stage at your favorite plays. No one else but you deserves to be seen!

8. Interrupt others if necessary! If you have input to offer at a meeting or gathering of some sort, do not let that moment pass, even if someone else is speaking! And yell all the time. If you speak at but a weak and feeble volume, others will perceive you as a fool who does not want to be heard. Look at Genghis Khan; do you think that confident fellow ever spoke in low tones? Remember history! It will be your guide.

9. Stay healthy, dear ones! Eat your green vegetables. Drink one gallon of milk per hour. Perform aerobic exercises at every opportunity; even in your sleep, with training. Hire a personal trainer and dietary advisory. Do you want to contract leprosy, dear ones? Life is very short.

10. Take my advice without question! This is the most important advice I could ever offer you, dear, dear boys and girls! An elderly man such as myself knows approximately everything about the universe and its inner workings.

Keep it simple! Life is ever so short.
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Old 02-22-2009   #120
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Re: Ask An Elderly Man

When we find the higsons boson, will god dissappear in to a puff of logic or will we get the same old "had it planned all along" malarky?
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