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Old 09-20-2011   #1
Zanahoria_Picante
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Quick Poem

Just a goofy little thing. Any thoughts, gentle, ever so delicate thoughts or critiques, would be appreciated, but not demanded!
And yes, a bit Emo, but oh well. And the title is askew--the third, failed attempt....

Waves

this soul folds
like water
lifting itself up
over itself
pulling sky
pressing earth
in circles

I am folding this body
of water
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Last edited by Sweet_Miss_Etc.; 09-22-2011 at 11:02 PM.
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Old 09-20-2011   #2
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Re: Quick Poem

Quote:
Originally Said by Sweet_Miss_Etc. View Post
Just a goofy little thing. Any thoughts, gentle, ever so delicate thoughts or critiques, would be appreciated, but not demanded!
And yes, a bit Emo, but oh well. And the title is askew--the third, failed attempt....

Waves

this soul folds
like water
lifting itself up
over itself
pulling sky
pressing earth
in circles
Quote:
if where the body is
so is the soul
I think you could do without this stanza. It's lovely but it breaks a few poetic rules I follow;don't tell the readers what they already know about life, and,
some of the greatest poems are sonnets and poems not many lines longer than that, so don't overwrite. I feel like this stanza is self evident through the imagery of the first stanza and the last. I believe it assumes to much as well, you could loose your reader with this line if they get hung up on it. With out, it flows so nicely. I would propose if you LOVE this stanza and must have it, make it the title. Because i think "Waves" is a bit wishy-washy and doesn't have a thing to do with any of your imagery besides the "watery" feeling.


Quote:
I am folding my body
of water
reads like this

Quote:
Where the body is, so is the soul.

this soul folds
like water
lifting itself up
over itself
pulling sky
pressing earth
in circles

I am folding my body
of water
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Old 09-20-2011   #3
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Re: Quick Poem

Quote:
Originally Said by SketchImpressions View Post
I think you could do without this stanza. It's lovely but it breaks a few poetic rules I follow;don't tell the readers what they already know about life, and,
some of the greatest poems are sonnets and poems not many lines longer than that, so don't overwrite. I feel like this stanza is self evident through the imagery of the first stanza and the last. I believe it assumes to much as well, you could loose your reader with this line if they get hung up on it. With out, it flows so nicely. I would propose if you LOVE this stanza and must have it, make it the title. Because i think "Waves" is a bit wishy-washy and doesn't have a thing to do with any of your imagery besides the "watery" feeling.



reads like this
I do agree that it flows much better without that stanza. I will edit it thus-ly, thank you! And thank you for the critique, in general. I will admit this poem was fairly haphazardly, quickly wrought.

The idea of "waves" is actually what I meant to imply by the motions described throughout--that people sort of go through, minute to great, experiential "waves" throughout life--emotional, existential, grammatical, etc. But since it was so vague (the poem), 'tisn't surprising that idea was lost. Still, I don't think I shall make that stanza the title--best just scrap it. You're right on all counts about it. I don't love it enough to keep it, given its flaws: Sententious at best, redundant at worst!

I also just made several other "tweaks" to the poem.

Thank you again, Sketch! ;)
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Old 09-20-2011   #4
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Re: Quick Poem

i read this once before anyone replied. now i read it again and im asking myself, "the hell is moon-pulling?" lol "I know what pulling sky is..."

i liked it better the first way you had it. plus i think the "in circles" tells me the water is always up n down, up n over. taking "in circles" out seems like ur just stretching the water.

with the title as "Waves" i saw waves when i first read it.

I also like what ryan said about taking those two lines out and using them for the title. only in ryan's title, I would leave the "if" in it.

Well it's a good read for me.
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Old 09-20-2011   #5
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Re: Quick Poem

Heh, well, I officially have 9 versions of this poem. ^_^

Quote:
Originally Said by psychoDiablo View Post
i read this once before anyone replied. now i read it again and im asking myself, "the hell is moon-pulling?" lol "I know what pulling sky is..."

i liked it better the first way you had it. plus i think the "in circles" tells me the water is always up n down, up n over. taking "in circles" out seems like ur just stretching the water.

with the title as "Waves" i saw waves when i first read it.

I also like what ryan said about taking those two lines out and using them for the title. only in ryan's title, I would leave the "if" in it.

Well it's a good read for me.
Thank you for your comments! Glad it was a good read.

Ha... I changed it to "moon-pulled" because I thought that would strengthen the image of "waves," in that the moon's gravitational forces affect tides. I might be over-thinking this now. Too literal. I'll change it back.

I think I probably will keep the title "Waves" simply because it's simple. And I prefer simple titles. And, like you said, it affects the reading/imagery of the poem.

Thanks again!


Waves

this soul folds
like water
lifting itself up
over itself
pulling sky
pressing earth
in circles

I am folding this body
of water
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Old 09-21-2011   #6
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Re: Quick Poem

GREAT!


loved reading it
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Old 09-22-2011   #7
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Re: Quick Poem

THAT WAS CRAAAAAAAP!!!!!

jknicepoemzpokigottagoilikeyournamebythewayreminds meofthecat >:|

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Perhaps the name could be "Churning"? As in a troubled, changing, folding soul is in turmoil? 'Twould make it more emo (but it's perhaps less applicable to the poem and the meaning you were going for..)
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Old 09-22-2011   #8
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Re: Quick Poem

I wish it'd be easier to go through and to understand it; I had to translate a lot. Silly English, stop being silly ^_^
It's nice tho.


But I don't get what you could mean with I don't get what
"folding this body--
of water"

could mean.

.. Oh, and "pulling moon/sky".
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Old 09-22-2011   #9
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Re: Quick Poem

Quote:
Originally Said by Tala View Post
THAT WAS CRAAAAAAAP!!!!!

jknicepoemzpokigottagoilikeyournamebythewayreminds meofthecat >:|

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Perhaps the name could be "Churning"? As in a troubled, changing, folding soul is in turmoil? 'Twould make it more emo (but it's perhaps less applicable to the poem and the meaning you were going for..)
Hey! Thanks! Thanks 356!

Idon'tknowthanksIguessyeahit'sthetitleofane.e.cumm ing'spoem'sprettycoolbutyes!itislikeLittleMiss! =D

"Churning" makes me think of a witch's brew. Gross.

JK. But. If the quintessence of Emo is the goal, what dost thou thinkest of "Dark Water" for the title, hmmm? Dost that strike thine soul with the truest, well, darkness? *Affronted scoff* It sure gets this soul a'bleedin'! Soul blood.

*Sniff* Anyway, I probably will keep it as waves, but churning is consider-able. So, I shall consider. Thank ye, Shelbydoo!

(How's Sco'land, by the way?)

Quote:
Originally Said by Christian View Post
I wish it'd be easier to go through and to understand it; I had to translate a lot. Silly English, stop being silly ^_^
It's nice tho.


But I don't get what you could mean with I don't get what
"folding this body--
of water"

could mean.

.. Oh, and "pulling moon/sky".
English is silly. But I don't think it's to blame for my nebulous imagery. ;D Neither are your translating abilities to blame, nort at all. Those lines were just too vague.

Now that you mention it, those two lines might actually be completely redundant (much like the stanza Sketch pointed out) and worthy of removal, despite what I wanted them to mean, which was a sort of double-meaning. I wanted to hint at the idea of a literal "body of water," like a sea, and how, keeping with the metaphor, the folding of one wave (one person's existence and its individual motions) folds the whole sea (all existence) in a sense. One wave affects the whole sea. That's what I was going for. But it failed. Actually, I could change it to "one wave moves the (whole) sea."

[/stream-of-consciousness]

The idea of "existential waves" is pretty much implied in the first stanza. So. How does this look?

Waves

this soul folds
like water
lifting itself up
over itself
pulling sky
pressing earth
in circles

one wave moves
the whole sea


Just t'rowin' it out there!

Not sure about "whole." Just being persnickety.
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Old 09-25-2011   #10
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Re: Quick Poem

"This is just a wave, and I am the Ocean."

i like your idea but not the exicution of "One wave moves the whole sea" i think it could be prettier?
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Old 09-25-2011   #11
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Re: Quick Poem

Quote:
Originally Said by SketchImpressions View Post
"This is just a wave, and I am the Ocean."

i like your idea but not the exicution of "One wave moves the whole sea" i think it could be prettier?
You're right; it could be prettier. I'll have to ponder it a bit more; I'll come up with something. Thank ye!!
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Old 09-25-2011   #12
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Re: Quick Poem

EVERYTHING can be PRETTIER! *painting the roses red*
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