Almost Smart  

Go Back   Almost Smart > The Lounge > Jokes & Comedy

Jokes & Comedy Funny stuff.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-23-2006   #1
tynie
You're Klaus Nomi, I'm Etta James
 
tynie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Long Island, New York
Posts: 3,066
Rep Power: 50
tynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via AIM to tynie Send a message via MSN to tynie Send a message via Yahoo to tynie
trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

http://www.shrineofinsanity.com/modu...howpage&pid=80

oh. and for the names, put in some AS members names. Post the scripts. Lets get this rolling.

Heres my fave. >_< dont kill me (and ignore if it comes out in jibberish, my computers
spazing)



Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry: Hello everybody and welcome to our special presentation for tonight...Jerry Slinger's Kinky Sex Stories...

Crowd hollers.

Jerry: That's right, tonight we are going to find out all kinds of utterly, utterly, terrifying information about our guests.

The crowd screams.

Jerry: So now, let's introduce...Dean! Everybody please put your hands together!

Dean walks out onto the stage dressed up like a priest.

Dean: Hi Jerry!

Jerry: Hey there Dean, why don't you tell everyone here what you have to say...

Dean: Well Jerry...I kind of have a special fetish...

The crowd LOVES it.

Jerry: Oh I see...and you're here to tell Tynie about it right? In the hope that your fantasies can be realised?

Dean: That's right Jerry.

Again the crowd screams.

Jerry: Okay, okay then, well why don't we bring Tynie in then and see what they have to say.

Tynie appears and walks across the stage, embracing Dean.

Jerry: Okay, now Tynie, you are probably wondering why you're here...

Tynie: Yes Jerry...

Jerry: Well Dean why don't you tell them why they're here...

Dean: Well sweety...I have brought you here to tell you that...

Tynie: You're gay?

Dean: No! No, that's not it...it's just that I have, well, a sort of fetish...a fetish for mutulated meat...

Tynie: Omigod!

Tynie puts their hand over their mouth. The crowd goes crazy.

Dean: I was wondering if...you could, well you know...help me with it. I dressed up in this uniform for you and everything...

Tynie: Well yeah...yeah I guess...

Dean: Really?

Tynie: But on one condition...

Dean: Anything!

Tynie: I want you to eat blood off my fingers...

The crowd goes INSANE.

Jerry: Okay, okay, but now I have to interrupt. Because there's actually something else that somebody needs to tell you Tynie.

Crowd silences, from the shadows emerges Zaynab, sitting down next to Tynie.

Zaynab: Thanks Jerry...okay here's the thing...you know how important your friendship is to me Tynie...but, hell, I want MORE...

Tynie: What are you saying?

Zaynab: I want to have passionate sex with you...

Dean stands up rapidly from their seat. The crowd squeals with delight.

Dean: Now wait just a minute!

Tynie: I...I don't know what to say...I...

Dean: You say no! No is what you say!

Jerry: Okay, everyone please let's just calm down for a second, please, because it just turns out that I now have a suprise for all three of you...

Jerry points to the side entrance onto the stage and Mr.Diablo appears with a big grin on their face. Dean leaps out of their chair and lunges towards them, swinging wild punches...

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

The security guard pulls them apart and sits them on opposite sides of Tynie. Dean wipes away the dribble of blood from their nose while Mr.Diablo blinks a rapidly blackening eye.

Dean: You piece of shit, you've always been jealous of me and Tynie, why don't you just face the fact that we're together? Huh?

Mr.Diablo: Oh yeah you have a great relationship don't you? When was the last time you had sex? Huh?

Tynie: Only 4 hours ago actually.

The crowd explodes excitedly.

Mr.Diablo's face contorts and they leap out of their chair towards Dean. Dean stands and scoops up their chair, swinging it at Mr.Diablo in wild arcs. The security guards step in and drag them apart.

Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second, I've missed something here. Why are the two of you so angry at each other? Mr.Diablo help me out here.

Mr.Diablo: Well Jerry it's a long story...but basically I asked these two if they wanted to form a threesome with me...

Jerry: A threesome with who? Tynie and Dean?

Mr.Diablo: That's right Jerry, I think about them both all the time...

Tynie: Omigod! You're sick do you know that? I don't even want to see you again! I'm in love with Dean and that's how it's gonna' stay!
The crowd whoops and bellows in excitement. The camera moves out into the crowd and Jerry holds the microphone out to a young woman.

Young Woman: Yeah, I have a question for you down there...Tynie, I have to ask, are you crazy not to want to get down with Dean and Mr.Diablo or what? I think you should consider yourself more lucky! Oh and Mr.Diablo I've got something for you baby..!

The woman flashes her pancreas for not only Mr.Diablo but the whole world to see. The crowd explodes in excitement. Jerry steps away and looks sternly into the camera.

Jerry: Well as much as I wish that this could go on forever, i have to draw it to a close...and so i say this - what have morals stooped to in society today if we are even here talking about mutulated meat's and people getting their fingers's licked? People harbouring secret obsessions for best friends, others seeking comfort in the numbers of threesomes. Throughout this all we've forgotten that two of the people down there are quite possibly in love and these peoples friends should respect that rather than just seeking fulfillment of their own desires. Thankyou...and goodnight.

Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
__________________
What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.-Choke, Chuck Palahniuk
tynie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2006   #2
Bubble Girl
the little kaDy that could
 
Bubble Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kuwait
Age: 28
Posts: 2,075
Rep Power: 39
Bubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond reputeBubble Girl has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

You: Wow, I still can't believe we won these tickets to Thailand!

Jesse: I know, it's insane.

Dean: Thanks for inviting me along!

You: No problem. Remember, you owe us your soul now though.

Dean: It's yours.

You all laugh.

Speaker: Flight-613 to Thailand is now boarding.

Dean: That's us!

The three of you rise from your seats and head onto the plane. A few minutes later you are seated.

Dean: Thanks for letting me have the window seat you guys!

Jesse: It's nothing, really.

You: How much longer do we have to sit here for?

A few moments later the plane starts rolling. Dean clutches the armrests tightly.

Jesse: Are you okay Dean?

Dean: I'm fine. Fine.

Speaker: Good afternoon everyone, this is your captain speaking. The weather currently appears fine, so we should have an enjoyable flight. Sit back, relax, and we'll be in Thailand before you know it. Now if you would be so kind as to turn your attention to the closest flight attendant, they will outline some of our safety procedures.

Dean: Safety procedures?

Ignoring Dean, you and Jesse turn your attention to the flight attendant. As they approach you realise with surprise that it's Homer Simpson.

You: Homer Simpson is a flight attendant?

Homer Simpson looks around nervously.

Homer Simpson: Quiet, I'm hoping nobody will notice. My next big role involves being a flight attendant so I'm doing some undercover research into the job.

Jesse: So do you actually know the safety procedues?

Homer Simpson: Well... I'm learning.

Dean: I'm scared.

Homer Simpson: There's nothing to worry about. Watch this.

Homer Simpson steps into the aisle and proceeds to perform what appear to be aerobics moves to the passengers.

Voice: Hey, are you Homer Simpson?

Homer Simpson looks at you and cringes.

Homer Simpson: Umm... No.

Homer Simpson turns and flees from the cabin, locking the door behind them.

Another Voice: Hey! It really is Homer Simpson

People begin rushing from their seats and banging on the locked door.

Random Passenger: Hey! Unlock the door!

Dean tugs suddenly on Jesse's sleeve.

Dean: Jesse people look like ants!

Jesse: That's great Dean.

You: I can't believe Homer Simpson is a flight attendant.

Most of the passengers return to their seats, some grumbling.

As the plane rises higher into the sky you sit back and relax. Jesse flicks through a science magazine and Dean presses their face into the window, mentioning something terribly boring about the landscape below every few minutes. When a voice begins booming from a speaker you realise you'd fallen asleep.

You: What's happening?

Dean: I don't feel so good.

Speaker: Attention passengers, there appears to be some heavy cloud cover ahead so we may experience slight turbulence. Please remain in your seats.

Suddenly the plane rocks to the side and Dean cries out loudly.

You: How long was I asleep for?

Jesse: Not long. The weather got bad quickly.

You look out the window and see heavy black clouds

Dean: I have a bad feeling about this.

You: I'm sure the pilot knows how to deal with bad weather.

Suddenly the plane dips and a there's a few frightened screams ring out from around the cabin.

Dean: That's it, I'm getting out of here!

Dean leaps up from their seat and pushes past Jesse and yourself, stumbling into the aisle. Homer Simpson appears, looking a little unsteady, and asks Dean what they are doing.

Dean: I need to get out of here! Do you have any parachutes?

Jesse: We're above the ocean.

Dean: I'll swim to land.

Homer Simpson: There's no parachutes.

Dean: No parachutes? Aieeee!

Dean sprints off towards the toilets. You hear a door slamming closed.

Jesse: Is it possible to flush yourself down the toilet?

You: We can only hope.

Homer Simpson turns to the cabin and starts talking loudly.

Homer Simpson: Please everyone try and remain calm. We should be out of this turbulence soon. In the event something happens there are life vests situated under your seats.

Dean suddenly appears in the aisle clutching an inflatable beach ball.

Dean: This is no life vest!

Homer Simpson: No, no it's not.

The plane shakes violently from side to side and you feel like you're about to lose your breakfast.

Dean: We're all going to die! Aieee!

Jesse: Look, could you please stop saying 'aieee'?

Homer Simpson: I agree.

You: Me too.

Jesse: And where did you get that inflatable beach ball?

Dean: It was in the toilet.

You: Well that makes sense.

Suddenly an alarm starts sounding and gas masks drop down from above. The plane dips and you suddenly become sure you're going to die. Homer Simpson holds the back of your seat. You hold Jesse.

Voice: We're going down!

Another Voice: It's all over!

One More Voice: God save us!

Dean: Don't let me die inflatable beach ball!

You close your eyes and hold your breath. It is a few moments before you realise the alarm has stopped and the plane appears to be flying normally again.

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen I apologise for the turbulence but it should now be over. We should be landing in Thailand shortly.

Outside, the dark clouds appear to be thinning.

Jesse: Well that was scary.

Homer Simpson: I think I might decide to pass on that role I got offered.

You: Hey... Where's Dean?

From the corner of you eye you see a bright flash of colour and turn to the window. Outside, Dean is sitting atop the inflatable beach ball and soaring through the sky beside the plane. Noticing your face in the window Dean waves before drifting away.

Jesse: That crazy Dean.

Everybody laughs.
__________________
Bubble Girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2006   #3
notlob
rock star
 
notlob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Some galaxy, away from the idiots that inhabit Earth
Age: 30
Posts: 3,041
Rep Power: 57
notlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond reputenotlob has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via Skype™ to notlob
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

ok, this was totally unexpected... i typed in names, not knowing what they were all going to do.. but yeah... check out Dean's Addiction hahahah

--------

Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!

It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and Rach cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.

You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...

Rach: No! No...I can't.

You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...

Rach: It's just...just that...I feel bad.

You: You're worried about Dean aren't you?

Rach: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because Dean has a problem -

You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that Dean has been addicted to Poontang for years!

Rach: I think that you should leave...

You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with Dean anymore.

Meanwhile, across town in the Poontang rehabilitation clinic...

Mystic Thunder: Okay Dean I think you're ready to face the outside world again.

Dean: Really? I'm...I'm cured?

Mystic Thunder: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by Poontang just look the other way. Good luck.

Dean looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears Katy carrying a bundle of cash.Katy hands it over to Mystic Thunder and they shake hands.

Katy: Thank you SO much, I am so grateful.

Mystic Thunder: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig Dean's recovery so soon?

Katy looks uncomfortable and frowns.

Mystic Thunder: Well?

Katy: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since Dean has been in here Hashim and Rach have been getting really close...TOO close.

Mystic Thunder: And?

Katy: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with Hashim.

Meanwhile, Nasser groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. Nasser was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.

Doctor: Nasser I'm sorry but the news isn't good...

Nasser: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.

Doctor: You are suffering very badly from Agoraphobia. You probably have a few days to live at most.

Nasser: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?

Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.

Nasser: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.

Nasser rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, Mystic Thunder sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written Poontang and below it an image of what the word represents...

Mystic Thunder: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get Dean to snap then nothing will. All I need is for Dean to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on Hashim...mwa-ha-ha.

Mystic Thunder walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to Rach and Dean's house.

Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find Katy waiting at your door.

Katy: Hey...

You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?

Katy: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some Honey off each other...

You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -

Katy: Dean was released from rehab today.

You: Oh?

Katy:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on Rach...but I'm here so...

You: Eat Honey off each other did you say?

Katy: Oh yeah.

You: Won't you come in?

Meanwhile, Nasser pulls into Rach's driveway and rushes to the door.

Nasser: Rach please come out, I really need to speak to you!

Rach: Nasser is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...

Nasser: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with Agoraphobia.

Rach:Oh my God... Nasser I'm sorry...does Hashim know?

Nasser: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...

Rach: Yes?

Nasser: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you Rach.

Rach: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...

Meanwhile, Dean slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to Poontang, ready to surprise Rach. As Dean passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, Dean's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of Rach and Nasser talking at the front door. This sends Dean into a fit of jealous rage...

But before we look at what happens there let's come back to Mystic Thunder who is sitting down watching some quality television.

Mystic Thunder: Ahh that's good stuff...

There is a knock at the door.

Mystic Thunder: Who is it?

Voice: Open up, it's the police!

Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...

You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...

Katy: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...

Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to Rach and Dean's house...

Nasser: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!

Dean: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!

Rach: Dean what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?

Dean: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with Nasser here.

Rach: No! Please, Nasser's dying!

Dean: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!

And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...

No, actually that was terrible and there probably won't be any more of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera... Babes and Bastards!
__________________


Check out my music here:Bandcamp, Soundcloud
notlob is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2006   #4
Zanahoria_Picante
Orange you glad she's not a banana?
 
Zanahoria_Picante's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,952
Rep Power: 141
Zanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond reputeZanahoria_Picante has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

Oh dear. I do hope that "Rach" isn't me, because I wouldn't use God's name in vain.

Well! This is a very interesting topic, now isn't it? *Creeps away slowly, abstaining from sudden movements*
__________________
Zanahoria_Picante

..| |
.| | |
_____
\ love /-|
-\__/--|

"When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything."
Steven Wright




;
Zanahoria_Picante is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2006   #5
KootieBug
Pump-a-Licous
 
KootieBug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: At the 3 card poker tables
Age: 41
Posts: 527
Rep Power: 28
KootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to all
Send a message via Yahoo to KootieBug
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

I just went down the list and picked the first people I who had there names on recent topics so dont beat me up. lol

Scene One:

KootieBug opens the door to the studio, rushing in hoping that nobody will notice the time.

Kortenie: You're late.

KootieBug: Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.

Kortenie: It's okay, we were just talking about some small modifications to the new movie.

KootieBug: Oh yeah?

Blood Red: Go get changed into your...uh...uniform and we'll get rolling.

STORM: And hurry up. I'm not getting any warmer here.

Scene Two:

KootieBug rushes off to the dressing room and puts on the new 'uniform'. On the way back, the uniform gets caught on a Keys. KootieBug catches it and stuffs it into the uniforms pocket. This Keys might come in handy. When KootieBug returns he sees STORM layed out on the 3 card poker table. KootieBug quickly jumps onto the 3 card poker table and gets to work.

Kortenie: Okay...Start shooting Blood Red.

STORM: Oh ALF you're so...shapely and...oh...

KootieBug: Oh, STORM you just turn me on baby.

STORM: It's always been my ultimate fantasy to see your Big Nose...

KootieBug: You're going to see more than my Big Nose STORM...

KootieBug reveals the Big Nose on his ALF costume and STORM moans with ecstacy. It doesn't take long for the action to go from 'steamy to 'incredibly-mind-blowing-oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-explode'.

STORM: eoiaoaoaoai! Ohh! eoiaoaoaoai!

KootieBug: Oh my Jebus!

STORM: eoiaoaoaoai! Oh, Blowers Daughter!

KootieBug: What the?

KootieBug keeps up the work on STORM, then sees a playing cards next to the 3 card poker table. KootieBug grabs it with both hands and grins at STORM.

STORM: Holy shit! That's the biggest playing cards I've seen in my life!

KootieBug: You ain't seen nothing yet.

KootieBug uses the playing cards on STORM.

STORM: ZUES! ZUES! eoiaoaoaoai!

KootieBug: Oh my god, I can't believe that.

STORM: Oh KootieBug!

KootieBug: Oh STORM!

STORM: Ohhhh KootieBug!

KootieBug: Oh STORM!

STORM: Ohhhhhhhhhh KootieBug!

KootieBug: Oh for fucks sake STORM.

STORM: Sorry KootieBug, but it's just you remind me so much of a Watermellon, I could just eat you.

KootieBug: Oh and I'd let you eat me. I love it when you call me a Watermellon.

STORM: Oh KootieBug, you're the juiciest Watermellon I've ever seen.

KootieBug: Ohhhhh STORM.

KootieBug suddenly remembers the Keys from earlier and pulls it out from his ALF costume. KootieBug uses the Keys on STORM in the most flexible way possible.

STORM: Oh my god where did that Keys come from?

KootieBug: ALF is full of surprises.

With that KootieBug falls off the 3 card poker table. Unknown to KootieBug a Fish jumps up onto the 3 card poker table.

STORM: Oh KootieBug you dirty Watermellon.

KootieBug: Oohhh STORM...

STORM: You dirty, DIRTY, skanky Watermellon!

KootieBug: Ohh STORM...STORM?

STORM: KootieBug?

KootieBug: I'm on the floor.

STORM: What the?

STORM looks up to see a Fish on top. STORM shrugs.

STORM: Get over here KootieBug.

KootieBug: Jesus Christ...

KootieBug and the Fish go to work on STORM. A few minutes later...

STORM: eoiaoaoaoai! ZUES! ZUES! Jebus! Anyone!

Kortenie: And...CUT!

Blood Red: That's a wrap.

Kortenie: Fantastic, absolutely perfect, who would've thought...a Fish!

Blood Red: We're going to make millions.

KootieBug: STORM?

STORM: KootieBug I can't believe we had a threesome with a Fish.

And that's a wrap. Go on. Go away. The Interactive Porn Story is over. OVER. Go away.
__________________
KootieBug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2006   #6
Bamcubz
WIFE - MOM - ME
 
Bamcubz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pensacola, FL
Age: 57
Posts: 2,124
Rep Power: 49
Bamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

Tom has been playing with this site all day....LOL, I expect he will sign up for membership by the end of the day.
__________________


At the beach, life passes differently. Time does not pass by the hours but by the moments and moods.
Bamcubz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-24-2006   #7
ablethevoice
Vintage Human
 
ablethevoice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Gulf Coast Florida Ivan and Dennis survivor!
Age: 60
Posts: 4,131
Rep Power: 85
ablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to ablethevoice Send a message via Yahoo to ablethevoice
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

THE HOUSE OF GUTS
By: The Interloper

Our story begins with a group of unwitting travellers walking up a hill. At the top looms an enormous house, its windows shuttered, its dark paint flaking. The sky is overcast, and as the rain begins to fall somebody says...

Matt: It's raining!

You: Really? I hadn't noticed.

Yourself, Bam, Matt, and Brianna begin jogging up the hill towards the house. As you reach the cover of the porch you stop and shake yourselves off as the rain begins to fall even more heavily.

Bam: Phew, we got here just in time.

Thunder rumbles menacingly.

Matt: This place is creepy...

You: Creepy, but cheap.

Matt: It's gotta' be haunted.

You: It's a possibility... But I'm sure we can handle some ghosts.

Bam: I'm scared.

Brianna: Don't worry, Tom will protect you.

Taking Bam by the hand you slowly approach the large wooden door. You reach into your pocket and pull out a large, ornate key. You turn the key in the lock as more thunder rumbles and the door slowly opens before you.

Brianna: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Matt: Aww, it will be fun.

You: Got torches?

All at once Bam, Matt and Brianna switch on their torches and shine them in your face. You squint and step aside so they can light the way into the house. Together, the four of you enter.

Bam: Wow...

Matt: This place is amazing!

Brianna: I've never seen anything like it!

The front foyer is enormous, and still in remarkably good condition given the exterior of the house. Lush red carpet lies underfoot, and a huge staircase rises to a first floor landing. Huge paintings of unrecognisable historical figures line the walls.

Matt: So there's no electricity?

You: That's right.

Brianna: Where are we going to sleep?

Bam: I think over there looks perfect.

You follow the light of Bam's torch into a large living area. Most of the space in here is empty.

You: Ah, the fireplace. The owner told us that we could use it. There's wood in it already.

Matt: Let me! Let me!

Matt rushes forward and begins tending to the fire. The rest of you roll your eyes and begin unpacking your sleeping bags, while Matt gets the fire started.

Brianna: Well... This place is awesome. Thanks for finding it Tom.

You: No problem. Hopefully we'll see a ghost.

Suddenly Matt screams and falls away from the fireplace. A fire is now flickering steadily.

You: What's wrong?

Matt: The fire... The fire...

Bam: Yes, you did a good job.

Matt: I didn't start it.

You: Huh?

Matt: I was just about to start it and flames just came out of nowhere! Almost burnt my hands off!

Bam: Riiight.

Matt: It's true!

Brianna: Here, have some moonshine.

Brianna and Bam begin handing out drinks. Matt's outburst is quickly forgotten as the storm grows louder outside and the alcohol warms your veins.

Matt: So why is this place deserted?

Bam: Oh no, not this story again.

Matt: You know it already?

Bam: Tom made something up when I first heard about this place.

You: I didn't make it up! Well... The owner might have. But that's where I heard it!

Brianna: So what's the deal?

Matt: Yeah tell us.

Bam: Go on. Enchant your captive audience.

Wind batters the house as you begin your story...

A few generations ago, a rich man by the name of Horace K. Longbottom had a vision to create an enormous gothic mansion. He liked horror stories, even wrote a few that were published in magazines at the time. In his search for a suitable place for the mansion he discovered this hill and knew at once that it was perfect...

Matt: Indian Burial Ground?

You: No, he just liked it.

Bam: Isn't there a forest nearby that some monster lives in or something?

You: Oh yeah. But that's got nothing to do with the house. Anyway...

So he built the house we're in right now. After he moved in, he rarely left. Previously he had been a jovial figure who would often drink in the local bar and had many friends. But the house seemed to swallow him up... Nobody would see him for months at a time.

Brianna: And then?

Bam: Exciting, isn't it?

You: And then... People started disappearing.

Matt: Oooh.

Outside, lightning crashes. You continue the story.

People were suspicious of Longbottom, but there was never any proof. He stopped going into town at all and everybody forgot about him until an old friend came to visit and found his decaying body at the base of the stairs. He was holding a letter that described the murders of the missing people, but he was clearly mad so it was impossible to tell whether or not the letter was true or if it was another story he had been working on. In the letter he made mention of a hidden dungeon beneath the house were he had kept the missing people, but the dungeon was never found...

Suddenly Brianna cries out in pain and you all turn.

Brianna: I cut myself on this stupid bottle cap.

Matt: Umm... Brianna?

Brianna: Yes?

Matt: Is your blood usually chunky and white?

You: Now that is strange.

Brianna: It's probably just a trick of the light.

Suddenly a new voice speaks from behind you and you all scream at once, turning to see...

Randy Rhoads: Hello.

You: Randy Rhoads?

Randy Rhoads: Yes.

You: But aren't you..?

Randy Rhoads: Dead? Yes.

You: You're a ghost!

Randy Rhoads nods.

Bam: What are you doing here?

Randy Rhoads: I have been sent to warn you. An ancient and powerful force lives beneath this house, and it is going to eat you.

Brianna: Um...

You all turn to see that chunky and white blood is now spewing wildly out of Brianna's finger and splattering all over the floor.

Matt: That's no trick of the light...

Randy Rhoads: Ahem. Ah... Excuse me. I'm trying to speak here.

You: What do we do?

Randy Rhoads: You must leave the house, but you can't use the front door because that will eat you too.

Matt: Like Hell it will! I'm out of here!

Matt stands up and walks straight through Randy Rhoads towards the main foyer. A moment later you hear a loud scream and Matt comes sprinting back in, clutching at his stomach.

Matt: The door had teeth!

Randy Rhoads: I told you.

You: Umm... Matt what's that on your shirt?

Randy Rhoads: I believe it's appendix.

Matt looks down at the rip in his shirt. Small pieces of appendix appear to be oozing from a shallow wound.

Matt: Oh my God, I'm bleeding appendixs.

Bam: Well that's certainly exciting.

Randy Rhoads: It's worse than I expected. You must leave through a secret passage. Go to that bookshelf over there and pull out 101 Pickle Recipies. Follow the passage that opens and you should be safe. Now I must leave you...

Randy Rhoads slowly fades away.

Matt: Anyone want some appendix?

You: Urgh.

Brianna: Let's get out of here.

You all gather your belongings and head for the bookshelf. As you pull the book free the case slides aside revealing a dark passage.

Brianna: Wait! What if it's a trap?

Bam: You got any better suggestions?

Matt: The front door has teeth, remember?

You: Randy Rhoads wouldn't lie to us! Let's get out of here.

You all enter the dark passage and the bookshelf slides closed behind you. There is no way out. Together you rush forward, as large chunks of flesh begin dropping from the ceiling.

Bam: I think it's raining bladders.

Suddenly you come to a large room lit by candles. A strange shape that seems to be constructed of several different bodies stands in the center of the room, next to a large machine. The rain of bladders appears to have stopped.

Weird Figure: Welcome to... THE HOUSE OF GUTS!

Brianna: Did you just talk in capital letters?

Weird Figure: YES I DID.

Brianna: Wow, that's cool.

Weird Figure: THANK YOU.

You: Right... So who are you?

Weird Figure: Haven't you figured that out yet? I am... HORACE K. LONGBOTTOM.

You: Can I have your autograph?

Horace: Excuse me, you are supposed to be COWERING IN FEAR.

Matt: Hey Horace could you help me out? I'm bleeding appendixs here.

Horace: Don't worry, it's not your appendix.

Matt: Oh, well... That's a relief.

Horace: Why aren't you cowering yet?

Matt: Right, sorry.

All four of you start screaming and running aimlessly around the room. A slippery trail of appendixs follows Matt wherever they go. Brianna's finger seems to have stopped bleeding.

Horace: That's better. Now if you would be so kind as to walk into my machine so that I can steal your bodies and harvest their organs...

You all stop running and stare at Horace.

You: I'm not sure about that.

Bam: Yeah, why should we let you harvest our organs?

Matt: I have some extra appendixs you can have.

You: And how is Matt bleeding appendixs anyway?

Brianna: And what about chunky and white blood?

Bam: None of this makes sense!

Suddenly another voice speaks from a dark corner of the room and a monster leaps out of the shadows, brandishing a lawnmower.

You: It's the monster from the forest!

Monster: I've had enough of your discarded organs polluting my forest Longbottom. It all ends NOW.

Brianna: Wow, the monster can speak in capital letters too.

You all watch as the monster moves towards the machine and starts beating it with a lawnmower.

Horace: No! What are you doing!

Monster: Something I should have done a long time ago!

The monster turns to look at you all.

Monster: The exit is over there.

You all turn to see a flickering green EXIT sign above a doorway.

You: Why didn't we see that before?

Bam: Let's go!

Matt: Hold on... Before we leave I need to know the truth.

Matt rushes towards Horace who is too busy watching the Monster destroy his machine to notice.

Matt: Now let's find out who you REALLY are!

Brianna: Matt don't!

But it's too late. Matt grabs Horace by the chin and pulls at his head. It comes off easily in Matt's hand, leaving only a bleeding stump.

You: Oh that's just gross.

Matt: So it's true! You were really just a bleeding neck stump all along!

Suddenly you all realise that the monster has stopped destroying the machine and is watching you all.

Monster: Why didn't I think of that?

The monster throws away the lawnmower and starts for the exit. Together you leave THE HOUSE OF GUTS.

Bam: Thanks Monster.

Monster: No worries. Come and visit me in the forest sometime.

You all make your way down the hill towards your car. As you get in and start the engine Brianna speaks from the back seat.

Brianna: Wow, my finger has completely healed.

Matt: Then why am I still bleeding appendixs?

Bam: I don't know, but I wish you'd stop.

You turn to see a growing pile of appendixs on Matt's lap.

Bam: We should get him to a hospital...

You: Yeah, someone might need a donor.

THE END
__________________
"There Is No Religion Higher Than Truth." - Motto of the Theosophical Society

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein

"The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits." —Albert Einstein

“It's fortunate for governments that people don't think." - Adolph Hitler

Sturkis akidit ("shit happens") - Latin


Bent Ears Audio Laboratories - Better Music Through Chemistry

MUSIC IS LIKE CANDY. IT'S ONLY GOOD WHEN YOU GET RID OF ALL THE RAPPERS.
))#####D~~~~ (_l_)
ablethevoice is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2006   #8
Mr Stabby
Turned out to be crazy weird
 
Mr Stabby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: UK
Age: 34
Posts: 8,295
Rep Power: 61
Mr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

what this fascination with people using me in their storys???

damn you tynie!!! *shakes fist* BASTARDIDO!!!
__________________
Mr Stabby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2006   #9
Thoughtcrime
I grew up to be black.
 
Thoughtcrime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Oregon, U.S.A.
Age: 29
Posts: 7,252
Rep Power: 97
Thoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond reputeThoughtcrime has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

No scripts with me? None at all?

I'm insulted.
__________________
Thoughtcrime is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2006   #10
KootieBug
Pump-a-Licous
 
KootieBug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: At the 3 card poker tables
Age: 41
Posts: 527
Rep Power: 28
KootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to allKootieBug is a name known to all
Send a message via Yahoo to KootieBug
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

no that is a GOOD thing. lol You dont want to be in one of those.
__________________
KootieBug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2006   #11
ablethevoice
Vintage Human
 
ablethevoice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Gulf Coast Florida Ivan and Dennis survivor!
Age: 60
Posts: 4,131
Rep Power: 85
ablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to ablethevoice Send a message via Yahoo to ablethevoice
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

OK One more then I'll leave it alone:

Almost an Aeroplane Disaster
By: The Interloper

You: Wow, I still can't believe we won these tickets to the sands of Mars!

Phyllis Diller: I know, it's insane.

Osama Bin Laden : Thanks for inviting me along!

You: No problem. Remember, you owe us your soul now though.

Osama Bin Laden : It's yours.

You all laugh.

Speaker: Flight-613 to the sands of Mars is now boarding.

Osama Bin Laden : That's us!

The three of you rise from your seats and head onto the plane. A few minutes later you are seated.

Osama Bin Laden : Thanks for letting me have the window seat you guys!

Phyllis Diller: It's nothing, really.

You: How much longer do we have to sit here for?

A few moments later the plane starts rolling. Osama Bin Laden clutches the armrests tightly.

Phyllis Diller: Are you okay Osama Bin Laden ?

Osama Bin Laden : I'm fine. Fine.

Speaker: Good afternoon everyone, this is your captain speaking. The weather currently appears fine, so we should have an enjoyable flight. Sit back, relax, and we'll be in the sands of Mars before you know it. Now if you would be so kind as to turn your attention to the closest flight attendant, they will outline some of our safety procedures.

Osama Bin Laden : Safety procedures?

Ignoring Osama Bin Laden , you and Phyllis Diller turn your attention to the flight attendant. As they approach you realise with surprise that it's Donald Rumsfeld.

You: Donald Rumsfeld is a flight attendant?

Donald Rumsfeld looks around nervously.

Donald Rumsfeld: Quiet, I'm hoping nobody will notice. My next big role involves being a flight attendant so I'm doing some undercover research into the job.

Phyllis Diller: So do you actually know the safety procedues?

Donald Rumsfeld: Well... I'm learning.

Osama Bin Laden : I'm scared.

Donald Rumsfeld: There's nothing to worry about. Watch this.

Donald Rumsfeld steps into the aisle and proceeds to perform what appear to be aerobics moves to the passengers.

Voice: Hey, are you Donald Rumsfeld?

Donald Rumsfeld looks at you and cringes.

Donald Rumsfeld: Umm... No.

Donald Rumsfeld turns and flees from the cabin, locking the door behind them.

Another Voice: Hey! It really is Donald Rumsfeld

People begin rushing from their seats and banging on the locked door.

Random Passenger: Hey! Unlock the door!

Osama Bin Laden tugs suddenly on Phyllis Diller's sleeve.

Osama Bin Laden : Phyllis Diller people look like ants!

Phyllis Diller: That's great Osama Bin Laden .

You: I can't believe Donald Rumsfeld is a flight attendant.

Most of the passengers return to their seats, some grumbling.

As the plane rises higher into the sky you sit back and relax. Phyllis Diller flicks through a Human Waste Quarterly magazine and Osama Bin Laden presses their face into the window, mentioning something terribly boring about the landscape below every few minutes. When a voice begins booming from a speaker you realise you'd fallen asleep.

You: What's happening?

Osama Bin Laden : I don't feel so good.

Speaker: Attention passengers, there appears to be some heavy cloud cover ahead so we may experience slight turbulence. Please remain in your seats.

Suddenly the plane rocks to the side and Osama Bin Laden cries out loudly.

You: How long was I asleep for?

Phyllis Diller: Not long. The weather got bad quickly.

You look out the window and see heavy black clouds

Osama Bin Laden : I have a bad feeling about this.

You: I'm sure the pilot knows how to deal with bad weather.

Suddenly the plane dips and a there's a few frightened screams ring out from around the cabin.

Osama Bin Laden : That's it, I'm getting out of here!

Osama Bin Laden leaps up from their seat and pushes past Phyllis Diller and yourself, stumbling into the aisle. Donald Rumsfeld appears, looking a little unsteady, and asks Osama Bin Laden what they are doing.

Osama Bin Laden : I need to get out of here! Do you have any parachutes?

Phyllis Diller: We're above the ocean.

Osama Bin Laden : I'll swim to land.

Donald Rumsfeld: There's no parachutes.

Osama Bin Laden : No parachutes? Aieeee!

Osama Bin Laden sprints off towards the toilets. You hear a door slamming closed.

Phyllis Diller: Is it possible to flush yourself down the toilet?

You: We can only hope.

Donald Rumsfeld turns to the cabin and starts talking loudly.

Donald Rumsfeld: Please everyone try and remain calm. We should be out of this turbulence soon. In the event something happens there are life vests situated under your seats.

Osama Bin Laden suddenly appears in the aisle clutching an inflatable sex toy.

Osama Bin Laden : This is no life vest!

Donald Rumsfeld: No, no it's not.

The plane shakes violently from side to side and you feel like you're about to lose your breakfast.

Osama Bin Laden : We're all going to die! Aieee!

Phyllis Diller: Look, could you please stop saying 'aieee'?

Donald Rumsfeld: I agree.

You: Me too.

Phyllis Diller: And where did you get that inflatable sex toy?

Osama Bin Laden : It was in the toilet.

You: Well that makes sense.

Suddenly an alarm starts sounding and gas masks drop down from above. The plane dips and you suddenly become sure you're going to die. Donald Rumsfeld holds the back of your seat. You hold Phyllis Diller.

Voice: We're going down!

Another Voice: It's all over!

One More Voice: God save us!

Osama Bin Laden : Don't let me die inflatable sex toy!

You close your eyes and hold your breath. It is a few moments before you realise the alarm has stopped and the plane appears to be flying normally again.

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen I apologise for the turbulence but it should now be over. We should be landing in the sands of Mars shortly.

Outside, the dark clouds appear to be thinning.

Phyllis Diller: Well that was scary.

Donald Rumsfeld: I think I might decide to pass on that role I got offered.

You: Hey... Where's Osama Bin Laden ?

From the corner of you eye you see a bright flash of colour and turn to the window. Outside, Osama Bin Laden is sitting atop the inflatable sex toy and soaring through the sky beside the plane. Noticing your face in the window Osama Bin Laden waves before drifting away.

Phyllis Diller: That crazy Osama Bin Laden .

Everybody laughs.
__________________
"There Is No Religion Higher Than Truth." - Motto of the Theosophical Society

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein

"The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits." —Albert Einstein

“It's fortunate for governments that people don't think." - Adolph Hitler

Sturkis akidit ("shit happens") - Latin


Bent Ears Audio Laboratories - Better Music Through Chemistry

MUSIC IS LIKE CANDY. IT'S ONLY GOOD WHEN YOU GET RID OF ALL THE RAPPERS.
))#####D~~~~ (_l_)
ablethevoice is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2006   #12
Mr Stabby
Turned out to be crazy weird
 
Mr Stabby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: UK
Age: 34
Posts: 8,295
Rep Power: 61
Mr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

nah, replacing me with osama bin laden just dont work...and the inflatable beach ball in the original was the kicker....a sex toy just doesnt do justice
__________________
Mr Stabby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2006   #13
tynie
You're Klaus Nomi, I'm Etta James
 
tynie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Long Island, New York
Posts: 3,066
Rep Power: 50
tynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond reputetynie has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via AIM to tynie Send a message via MSN to tynie Send a message via Yahoo to tynie
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

Quote:
Originally Said by Mr Stabby
nah, replacing me with osama bin laden just dont work...and the inflatable beach ball in the original was the kicker....a sex toy just doesnt do justice
fine you d one deanie
__________________
What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.-Choke, Chuck Palahniuk
tynie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2006   #14
Mr Stabby
Turned out to be crazy weird
 
Mr Stabby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: UK
Age: 34
Posts: 8,295
Rep Power: 61
Mr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond reputeMr Stabby has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

hmmm nah, I got better things to waste my time on lol
__________________
Mr Stabby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2006   #15
Savage_Nature
I love my brother.
 
Savage_Nature's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Alberta {Canada}
Age: 30
Posts: 3,405
Rep Power: 55
Savage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond reputeSavage_Nature has a reputation beyond repute
Re: trash tv/horror movie/porn script generators

Welcome to another episode of 'Where Are They Now?', the show where we document the lives of those people in 80's sitcoms that no one remembers or cares about anymore! And now, would you welcome your host, Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake walks onto a threadbare set with a wall covered with pictures of people you can never remember the names of and a desk, in what looks like a cheap Rent-A-Suit.

Justin Timberlake: Hello and welcome to 'Where Are They Now? - By Request!'. It seems a lot of people remember Furgusen, the youngest child from 'Love and Lust' but can't, for the life of them, name the person who played the ignorant little cretin! It surprises these same people that this person has lead such a turbulent life that landed him in many tabloids and papers. So come with us as we document the life of Jesse Brens!

Some cheesy music plays while the scene changes to a really poor quality home video of Jesse running around as a toddler.

Justin Timberlake: Jesse was born...sometime. I guess that's a lesson in keeping your birth certificate in a safe place.

Kali's voice takes over the commentary, playing over a video of Jesse eating what looks like a cat.

Kali: Jesse could be a handful at times, that's for sure. In fact, I remember a time... Well, several times to tell you the truth... Where I was almost eaten by the stupid little critter. But he was great, I'll always remember the time we spent together... Even if my therapy does eventually work properly.

Justin Timberlake: When Jesse reached the age of nine, an offer came in from Britney Spears Inc., a high-profile production studio in those days.

Britney Spears: We needed a person who we could pay next to nothing, because the other twelve cast members took so much. So I was driving along one day with the other writers and various other people now out-of-work, when someone said 'What about that kid with their head stuck in the doghouse?' and I replied, 'Yeah, why not?'

Justin Timberlake: The show was of course, 'Love and Lust', and the character was Furgusen the youngest of six children, belonging to a florist and a whale groomer at the zoo. The weekly adventures of that lovable family amused and educated a nation. But behind the cameras, trouble was brewing.

Dean: Who? Oh yeah, Jesse, I remember him. They became a menace when we reached the fourth series. I recall one time where they just leapt at a cameraman and shaved his moustache off with a rusty nail. We asked why, but Jesse just got up and said to Britney Spears, the director, 'If you don't free Nelson Mandela, I'll take my Raisin Toast army and invade Ireland.' Jesse was sufering personal problems at the time, I should add in his defense.

Justin Timberlake: Eventually, in the twelfth season, Jesse had to leave due to a completely irrational, utterly unprovoked and heavily publicised fight on-stage.

A picture of Jesse punching Justin Timberlakes lights out is shown.

Justin Timberlake: *sigh* Jesse was always in the spotlight. A fortnight after leaving Love and Lust, Jesse met Katy. Katy was at least sixteen years older than Jesse and was known to the police for muggings, outlawed S&M related activities, several unproven robberies, and excessive drink driving. Katy seemed to have a surprising effect on Jesse, who did anything Katy said. They spent most of their time together on nudist beaches, attending KKK meetings (Disclaimer: not yet proven) and spamming the Shrine of Insanity Forum. They were to marry less than ten days later. Their bizarre lives were always making headlines.

A montage of newspaper headlines is shown: Katy Burns Down Hotel, Jesse Joins Jamaican Nazi Party, Katy Shoots Self in Foot, Jesse To Kill Self on New Years Day, Katy Shoots Self in Other Foot, and finally, Jesse Strips Nude On 'Tynie Live'.

Tynie: I remember that show well. Jesse just stood up, stripped off and started running all over the set. I told him, 'Well if you want to be on the show this badly, I'll interview you now!'. Sadly, security came in and put a stop to the antics. It did get past the censor though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

Justin Timberlake: It was this string of weird events that forced Love and Lust co-star and long time friend krashkitten to confront Jesse. The meeting went rather badly - krashkitten was killed. It remains a mystery to this day the fate that befell krashkitten. Jesse claims they talked for thirty seconds, whereupon krashkitten left in a huff when Jesse refused to reign-in the strange behaviour.

Justin Timberlake: It is a popular theory in conspiracy circles that Katy killed krashkitten, but it is more accepted by the media that it was krashkitten's own Mafia debts that lead to the death. In any case, the death shocked Jesse. He went into several rehab programs and Katy was eventually convinced to attend them too.

Justin Timberlake: A few years later, Jesse was approached by Kootiebug, the head producer of 'And that my friends, is the rest of the story.', the top-rating medical drama, about a three-episode guest appearance as Doctor Sean a disillusioned dentist with a criminal record. Jesse leapt at the chance to get back into acting.

A clip of Jesse on 'And that my friends, is the rest of the story.' now plays.

Jesse: Damnit Louise, I don't have time to observe the Medical Code of Practice! The life of this man lies...in...my...hands...

Jesse walks towards the camera.

Jesse: (Slowly and dramatically) In...My...Hands!

Justin Timberlake: The appearance revitalised Jesse's career. The character was written into the remaining scripts, and for the next two seasons, Jesse was hot property. A movie appearance in Mud Flats., which won Jesse a Golden Vanilla, was to shortly follow. Katy also seemed to benefit, netting several guest appearances in various shows and movies.

Justin Timberlake: In the end however, the recognition seemed to turn the couple back into their old selves. Their careers were dead and buried by the time Jesse and Katy turned up in a public restroom, stark naked with a ten year old girl covered in petrol, Norris, Chuck wearing a saddle and one of those hats with a propeller on it, a sheep that had been painted red and six cans of tinned spaghetti. This ten-minute video was available from the internet no less than two hours later.

There will now be a ten-minute break in this test, as the video is truly disgusting. No, I don't care how open-minded you are, I don't want my Hotmail inbox bombarded with ten billion complain emails that I'd just delete immediately anyway. We can, however, make it available to all those people who send an e-mail with credit card details to mixmasterflibble@ididn'trealiseitwasajoke.com.

Justin Timberlake: (Panting slightly) This turned out to be the end, as not only did it cost Jesse and Katy their careers, but it also got them sent to prison, where they are five years into a seventy year sentence. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the career of Jesse Brens. Join us again next week, when we review the dead and buried career of...Uh, me.
-----------------------------
O.o
o.O
That was eventful.
__________________

Savage_Nature is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Drunk College Student Squished by Trash Compactor Madre Front Page 6 04-03-2006 01:09 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:24 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2000 - 2006, Almost Smart