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Old 04-09-2004   #1
chaos_control
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some more writing

Uh, here's another poem, this one is written more of a song, that is to say i had a beat in my head to write it and it takes a form in that tune. if anyone knows the Saves the Day song Blossom, its simliar to that tune, fit the words and you'll see what i mean. Anyway, its also untitled.

Untitled

I will dance for my meals,
and i'll paint this scene.
If you tell me why i'm here,
why i'm still in between.
For i can't find my way,
but i guess that i will stay.
Close the door before you leave,
become everything i breathe today.

This grass can be so green,
but the winter's here.
Is there somewhere where the cold,
won't betray what i fear.
For i can't take these walks,
where i tread bright, barren land.
Guide me through my footsteps path,
maybe even laugh and hold my hand.

I endure a courtyard,
where four keepers guard.
Clash their lances in a cross,
which controls where i stand.
There is a luxury,
which i appreciate.
But there's temporary demise,
i'll realise before they close the gate.

One day I'll wake up

Well, there we are. Could you post some comments, i'm interested as it's the first effort i've made to really just write a straight song. I quite like it, but i'd like to know what yo all think. it would mean a lot. Thanks
Hal

Edit: I changed one of the line's, means something different now, but works well ('winter' line). And added something at the end i forgot to put. Oh, and changed the courtyard line to make more sense Thanks Special, what you said was really helpful

Last edited by chaos_control; 04-10-2004 at 02:55 PM. Reason: just adressing some ideas brought up by iamsoveryspecial
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Old 04-09-2004   #2
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Re: some more writing

"For i can't find my way,
but i guess that i will stay.
Close the door before you leave,
become everything i breathe today."

I love that part of your song. Personally, I think this is really good. I am not one of those really good critics on here... but I think for your first song this is amazing. good job!!
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Old 04-10-2004   #3
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Re: some more writing

That is really AWESOME writing, especially for your age. I have some suggestions...

reword this: "Is there somewhere where the seasons
don't show i've become." It doesn't flow as well as everything else.

Avoid contractions when using formal writing (cannot, I am, I shall, etc.)

"I abide a courtyard," did you leave out a word? Abide doesn't really fit in the context you are trying to use it.

Hope this helps!
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