Almost Smart  

Go Back   Almost Smart > The Lounge > Jokes & Comedy

Jokes & Comedy Funny stuff.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-23-2006   #1
Bamcubz
WIFE - MOM - ME
 
Bamcubz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pensacola, FL
Age: 56
Posts: 2,124
Rep Power: 48
Bamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond repute
Assorted affairs

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all
over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,” she said, " pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that
for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a darned thing."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his
business down here."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to,” his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, “I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work."

__________________


At the beach, life passes differently. Time does not pass by the hours but by the moments and moods.
Bamcubz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2006   #2
ablethevoice
Vintage Human
 
ablethevoice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Gulf Coast Florida Ivan and Dennis survivor!
Age: 59
Posts: 4,131
Rep Power: 84
ablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond reputeablethevoice has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to ablethevoice Send a message via Yahoo to ablethevoice
Re: Assorted affairs

__________________
"There Is No Religion Higher Than Truth." - Motto of the Theosophical Society

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein

"The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits." —Albert Einstein

“It's fortunate for governments that people don't think." - Adolph Hitler

Sturkis akidit ("shit happens") - Latin


Bent Ears Audio Laboratories - Better Music Through Chemistry

MUSIC IS LIKE CANDY. IT'S ONLY GOOD WHEN YOU GET RID OF ALL THE RAPPERS.
))#####D~~~~ (_l_)
ablethevoice is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2006   #3
Ziech
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,394
Rep Power: 36
Ziech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart god
Re: Assorted affairs

hmmmm.... you know, your really good at copy and pasting jokes from other sites....
__________________
Dead
Ziech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2006   #4
Ziech
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,394
Rep Power: 36
Ziech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart god
Re: Assorted affairs

Quote:
Originally Said by Bamcubz
just about everything I have posted were emailed to me from real friends.....if you have read them before...good for you....otherwise...step back buddy!
still copy and pasting none-the-less
and I haven't read them before, I have found 99% of them to be tasteless/not funny. I realize that this aspect is related to my personality but I think at least 3 of your jokes that I remember would have been funny had it been rewritten.
__________________
Dead
Ziech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #5
Bamcubz
WIFE - MOM - ME
 
Bamcubz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pensacola, FL
Age: 56
Posts: 2,124
Rep Power: 48
Bamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond reputeBamcubz has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Assorted affairs

well since you are all of "18" I can see why you dont "get" the punch line.
__________________


At the beach, life passes differently. Time does not pass by the hours but by the moments and moods.
Bamcubz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #6
Jenn and tonic
"maaaaagic!"
 
Jenn and tonic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Age: 33
Posts: 5,965
Rep Power: 119
Jenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond reputeJenn and tonic has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via Yahoo to Jenn and tonic
Re: Assorted affairs

those are cute.

And Ziech, while I agree that these jokes are on other websites, 99.9% of the jokes on this site come from other websites or from e-mails, so I don't see why you are picking on her specifically.
__________________
When all government, in little as in great things, shall be drawn to Washington as the Center of all power, it will render powerless the checks provided of one government on another and will become as venal and oppressive as the government from which we separated. – Thomas Jefferson
Jenn and tonic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #7
Summer Gurl
She shines like the summer sun
 
Summer Gurl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Age: 32
Posts: 4,790
Rep Power: 48
Summer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond reputeSummer Gurl has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Assorted affairs

I like them... they are cute...we need more of them.
__________________



Summer Gurl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #8
Ziech
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,394
Rep Power: 36
Ziech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart god
Re: Assorted affairs

Quote:
Originally Said by Jenn and tonic
those are cute.

And Ziech, while I agree that these jokes are on other websites, 99.9% of the jokes on this site come from other websites or from e-mails, so I don't see why you are picking on her specifically.
That is a good point, but I have also made that comment before to other people. It's mostly annoying when people spam the thread with lots of jokes they pulled from the site. I never once harrased Ag0ny because he posted the good ones, once every few days. I didn't laugh at all of them, but I didn't have to look past them to find something actually worth reading.
__________________
Dead
Ziech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #9
Gerbil 01
Bite me bitch!!
 
Gerbil 01's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Carmen, OK
Age: 36
Posts: 1,206
Rep Power: 43
Gerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to Gerbil 01 Send a message via Yahoo to Gerbil 01
Re: Assorted affairs

Somebody must have had their feelings hurt at school today. It's the only reason I see for moronic posts about "copy-ing and pasting" jokes.

All of them gave me a laugh... a much needed laugh at that.
__________________
"I hate stupid people... yet I love to laugh at them. Does that make me a hypocrite?"

"Laughing at the ignorant, gullible, delusional, stupid, whining, and self righteous assholes... since 1982." *


*Disclaimer - If you read the above statement, and it offends you, then you'll know I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.*
Gerbil 01 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #10
Ziech
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,394
Rep Power: 36
Ziech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart god
Re: Assorted affairs

Quote:
Originally Said by Gerbil 01
Somebody must have had their feelings hurt at school today. It's the only reason I see for moronic posts about "copy-ing and pasting" jokes.

All of them gave me a laugh... a much needed laugh at that.
well why don't you copy and paste a few so I can harass you then?
__________________
Dead
Ziech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2006   #11
SketchImpressions
AlmostSmart Goddess
 
SketchImpressions's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In a house, in the forest, in a strange land where people wear flannel.
Age: 31
Posts: 2,153
Rep Power: 63
SketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Assorted affairs

Gerbil. why do you alway have to be such a heavy? he was simply stating his opinion, tastfully with out any quips at anyone else, for you to jump into the convo and make childish stabs at his person is just plain inmature. 90% of the posts i have ever read of yours (not that i go looking for them, only if i run across them) are of you bashing someone for no apparent reason in a situation that didnt even involve you. Just relax. Its his opion not even directed at you.
__________________

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
— Dr. Seuss

What we have is socialism for the rich and trickle down economics for the rest of us. I am part of the 99% of Americans left outside of Economic Elite circles...

Last edited by SketchImpressions; 04-24-2006 at 10:52 PM.
SketchImpressions is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006   #12
Gerbil 01
Bite me bitch!!
 
Gerbil 01's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Carmen, OK
Age: 36
Posts: 1,206
Rep Power: 43
Gerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond reputeGerbil 01 has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via MSN to Gerbil 01 Send a message via Yahoo to Gerbil 01
Re: Assorted affairs

Quote:
Originally Said by SketchImpressions
Gerbil. why do you alway have to be such a heavy? he was simply stating his opinion, tastfully with out any quips at anyone else, for you to jump into the convo and make childish stabs at his person is just plain inmature. 90% of the posts i have ever read of yours (not that i go looking for them, only if i run across them) are of you bashing someone for no apparent reason in a situation that didnt even involve you. Just relax. Its his opion not even directed at you.
Yet another good laugh for me!!

Tastful?? Hardly.

Bashing someone with no reason.... right If I say anything to anyone... it's with good reason.

You are by FAAAARRRRR nowhere near the maturity level required to start judging mine. You think because you use slang and big words, it somehow makes you mature?? Live and learn darlin'.... live and learn.

Heavy? I'm not fat... i have cushion over my muscles so people don't hurt themselves on my chiseled body.

Ok Miss Insecurity... continue to defend your 'man' from the evils of society... but let him grow up sometime. If he can dish it (evident from other posts), he can take it on his own... so loosen his leash a bit and quit trying to mother him.
__________________
"I hate stupid people... yet I love to laugh at them. Does that make me a hypocrite?"

"Laughing at the ignorant, gullible, delusional, stupid, whining, and self righteous assholes... since 1982." *


*Disclaimer - If you read the above statement, and it offends you, then you'll know I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.*
Gerbil 01 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006   #13
SketchImpressions
AlmostSmart Goddess
 
SketchImpressions's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In a house, in the forest, in a strange land where people wear flannel.
Age: 31
Posts: 2,153
Rep Power: 63
SketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond reputeSketchImpressions has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Assorted affairs

Quote:
Originally Said by Gerbil 01
Yet another good laugh for me!!

Tastful?? Hardly.

Bashing someone with no reason.... right If I say anything to anyone... it's with good reason.

You are by FAAAARRRRR nowhere near the maturity level required to start judging mine. You think because you use slang and big words, it somehow makes you mature?? Live and learn darlin'.... live and learn.

Heavy? I'm not fat... i have cushion over my muscles so people don't hurt themselves on my chiseled body.

Ok Miss Insecurity... continue to defend your 'man' from the evils of society... but let him grow up sometime. If he can dish it (evident from other posts), he can take it on his own... so loosen his leash a bit and quit trying to mother him.
hahaha, heavy doesn’t mean fat, it means downer. as in "you are bringing the mood down, with unnecessary negativity."

I’m not insecure, you’re right, he fights his own battles, I wasn’t simply sticking up for him, but for myself, because it seems you needlessly attack me constantly in situations that don’t need your input. So I simply used this occasion to take a page from your book and but in, in order to state something I believed needed to be said to you. I'd say my statement was tasteful, I didn’t once attempt to make a stab at your character, unlike every rebuke I have seen form you in which you feel the only way to state your (negative)opinion is to try and flame the other person. as far as laughs go, good, glad you can laugh about your inability to take criticism about the way you treat and disrespect other people. I simply said what I did because I believe you are not as rude as you are being now, but you must simply have not of noticed so I thought I would call it to attention by letting you know it bothers some people.

And as for your good reasons, they are only good enough for you, I see your intent as malice, and rude.
__________________

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
— Dr. Seuss

What we have is socialism for the rich and trickle down economics for the rest of us. I am part of the 99% of Americans left outside of Economic Elite circles...
SketchImpressions is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006   #14
psychoDiablo
Thx for the memories
 
psychoDiablo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 15,971
Rep Power: 199
psychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via AIM to psychoDiablo Send a message via Yahoo to psychoDiablo
Re: Assorted affairs

LOL @ this thread.

Ziech, shut up about the copy-pasting of jokes. you think Agony, or Able or whoever is posting jokes, make up their owN?!? there's no need for you to tell anyone that and if you felt you had to tell Bamcubz that, why didnt you just PM her about it?

Gerbil and Sketch,... Funny you two.

you know, back int he days of being a kid, it was said that if a guy picked on a girl that he liked her. course he'd deny it and she'd get all bashful...

lol u two, three, are the funniest joke in this thread. :)
__________________
I wouldn't say I'm psycho only because I'm able to handle it.
Now learn patience

To chill is to be chillin.
Chillin is cooperating with your surroundings, unknowing'st of what everything is capable of; and all the while, as it happens and after, to accept without any thought of good or bad, but mainly, just enjoying rather deeply, the moment you had to sit and think. (Not thinking.)

|-Mr.MCR-|

Will you write
Will you love
Will you enjoy
Life when I am gone?
You will.
by Angelina

"I have lived life as horrible as it was, and as beautiful as it has become."
psychoDiablo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006   #15
Ziech
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,394
Rep Power: 36
Ziech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart godZiech is an Almost Smart god
Re: Assorted affairs

Quote:
Originally Said by psychoDiablo
LOL @ this thread.

Ziech, shut up about the copy-pasting of jokes. you think Agony, or Able or whoever is posting jokes, make up their owN?!? there's no need for you to tell anyone that and if you felt you had to tell Bamcubz that, why didnt you just PM her about it?
Why don't you copy and paste a few joke then so I can let you know your doing it? huh? Why don't you?
__________________
Dead
Ziech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006   #16
psychoDiablo
Thx for the memories
 
psychoDiablo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 15,971
Rep Power: 199
psychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond reputepsychoDiablo has a reputation beyond repute
Send a message via AIM to psychoDiablo Send a message via Yahoo to psychoDiablo
Re: Assorted affairs

maybe i will. are you going to send me a PM about it or post it in the thread? spammer. lol as iff
__________________
I wouldn't say I'm psycho only because I'm able to handle it.
Now learn patience

To chill is to be chillin.
Chillin is cooperating with your surroundings, unknowing'st of what everything is capable of; and all the while, as it happens and after, to accept without any thought of good or bad, but mainly, just enjoying rather deeply, the moment you had to sit and think. (Not thinking.)

|-Mr.MCR-|

Will you write
Will you love
Will you enjoy
Life when I am gone?
You will.
by Angelina

"I have lived life as horrible as it was, and as beautiful as it has become."
psychoDiablo is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Extramarital Affairs/ Monogomy Sir Auric Debate & Politics 6 01-12-2006 09:09 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:44 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2000 - 2006, Almost Smart