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Old 03-13-2011   #1
Tala
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The Firsts of Love

I never post anything creative writing-related on AS, so I thought I'd give it a go. Plus, Writer's Corner could use a bit of livening up :). This is a short po-em I wrote about a month ago.


The Firsts of Love

Traipsing abreast
Consumed by giddy curiosities,
Reveling in unrefined devotion.

Feet falling into
Weathered footfalls,
Leading to dusty ditches

Fingers intertwined
Knotting, thirsting!
Sewing her into him.

Flesh on flesh,
Two souls
Meet the world as one,

Ready to conquer
Crumbling mountains
Of their fathers.
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Old 03-14-2011   #2
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Re: The Firsts of Love

interesting, thanks for writing
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Old 03-14-2011   #3
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Re: The Firsts of Love

OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What's this?

...Not gonna lie; I love this, and the subject matter is one of my favourites to read about, and it's great to see a new poem appear upon AS. So, thank you for postin'. ;)

First, in general, the imagery in this is lovely. Overall, a splendidly-wrought and poem-able piece. Mmm!

Quote:
The Firsts of Love
The title is great; simple and not forced, and it sounds like something one would read in a published book o' poetry. Nice.

Quote:
Traipsing abreast
Consumed by giddy curiosities,
Reveling in unrefined devotion.
This really seems to capture the idea of infatuation beautifully; the line "reveling in unrefined devotion" is perfection. All the "sounds" in each line complement each other wonderfully.

Quote:
Feet falling into
Weathered footfalls,
Leading to dusty ditches
I quite enjoy the imagery, but I'm sorry to say I don't understand *exactly* what this is describing; it makes me think of walking through snow, though. Very astute/evocative images and sounds.

Edit: Upon further reflection, might this also have something to do with the metaphorical "walk" of love? That the footfalls two people take together are "weathered" because the same "path" had been "traipsed" so many times before in history? And the struggles and many-times-faced difficulties might be represented in the "dusty ditches"?

I know you're not one to be too allegorical, heh, but either way the images are clearly quite think-about-able. ;)

Quote:
Fingers intertwined
Knotting, thirsting!
Sewing her into him.
Splendid imagery! Great connection with "sewing her into him"; I love the metaphor.

Quote:
Flesh on flesh,
Two souls
Meet the world as one,
Hmmm. I like the biblical reference.

Quote:
Ready to conquer
Crumbling mountains
Of their fathers.
This may not have been precisely what you were going for, but this makes me think of how those newly-acquainted with love are, by the very nature of their state, attempting to overcome all the difficulties, experiencing all the "rites of passage," and discovering anew the "ancient" sense of wonder--that all come with a first (or new) experience of love.

Wonderful, Shelbydoo! Thank you for sharing. (And yes, I felt the need to comment on each stanza; 'tis quite lovely and comment-worthy, though.

...not to mention curious. *Looks at you suspiciously* ;P)
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Last edited by Zanahoria_Picante; 03-14-2011 at 12:51 AM.
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Old 03-14-2011   #4
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Re: The Firsts of Love

Quote:
interesting, thanks for writing
Thanks PD! :)

Quote:
OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What's this?

...Not gonna lie; I love this, and the subject matter is one of my favourites to read about, and it's great to see a new poem appear upon AS. So, thank you for postin'. ;)

First, in general, the imagery in this is lovely. Overall, a splendidly-wrought and poem-able piece. Mmm!
Mmmmm, I'm glad you like it Ringo! I also enjoy this type of subject matter. I was really trying to capture the sort of giddy, head-over-heals, headstrong romanticism that many relationships start out as. This, by the way, is the first of what I hope to be the depiction of a path through love; this being the first part of falling in love and feeling that a relationship is invincible. I tried to add some imagery of what has happened in other relationships and possibly foreshadowing what is to come in this kind of a relationship. I think that may help clear up some of the minor confusion you had. And since you took the time to respond to each stanza, I'll do you the favo(u)r in kind :)

Quote:
The title is great; simple and not forced, and it sounds like something one would read in a published book o' poetry. Nice.
Ha, well I'm glad I didn't screw that part up. I was afraid that if I didn't put "love" in the title somewhere, that people who don't get a lot of depth in poetry (such as myself) would be lost. Perhaps the title is more a reminder to myself... ;)

And BTW, you pretty much nailed everything I was going for. That means 1. You have great interpretive skills and 2. I wrote something coherent. Both are quite impressive!

Quote:
This really seems to capture the idea of infatuation beautifully; the line "reveling in unrefined devotion" is perfection. All the "sounds" in each line complement each other wonderfully.
Mmmm! I quite liked the way this poem "sounded" as well. I usually don't meter it like this :)

Quote:
Feet falling into
Weathered footfalls,
Leading to dusty ditches

I quite enjoy the imagery, but I'm sorry to say I don't understand *exactly* what this is describing; it makes me think of walking through snow, though. Very astute/evocative images and sounds.
This was one of those "other relationships that have gone wrong" images that I mentioned. While writing this, I was picturing a windswept barren mountain-esque landscape and two people struggling through it. But I like the idea of snow as well! :) At this "point" in their journey; the struggle is half of the enjoyment of the relationship. But these struggles have deterred others before them from continuing on. It's almost like the annoying advice of elderly who say, "When I was you're age..." but their advice often gets ignored, passed up, and covered with metaphorical dust. I hope that makes some sort of sense...

Quote:
Splendid imagery! Great connection with "sewing her into him"; I love the metaphor.
Fingers so intertwined, you can't tell which came from where :)

Quote:
Hmmm. I like the biblical reference.
;)

Quote:
This may not have been precisely what you were going for, but this makes me think of how those newly-acquainted with love are, by the very nature of their state, attempting to overcome all the difficulties, experiencing all the "rites of passage," and discovering anew the "ancient" sense of wonder--that all come with a first (or new) experience of love
Yup yup :) Again, this was more of the "other relationships" thing. Many people in new relationships will claim that their experience is different from others; that they alone know "true love." Even though those in relationships have more than likely seen other peoples' relationships (perhaps those of relatives) crumble apart for whatever reason, they are headstrong and sure about what they feel. Again, in such an "invincible" relationship, they feel they can conquer anything.

Anyway, I'm done rambling now. I'm glad that you earnestly like it though! :) And thank you for the new perspectives on my thoughts ;)
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Old 03-15-2011   #5
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Re: The Firsts of Love

Wonderful poem yes! There seems to be no need to analyze or comment further on your writing, as I agree with everything ZP has said. I hope that you continue to write and post more in this "series"! I really love poetry and I do see the depth in this first entry, keep writing with the same passion!
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Old 03-15-2011   #6
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Re: The Firsts of Love

Quote:
Originally Said by Tala View Post
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]

Ready to conquer
Crumbling mountains
Of their fathers.

HO HO!
I love this last stanza!
this one takes the cake for me.

the idea of two young lovers ready to take on the "crumbling mountains."
I identify with this feeling, Like you two are going to remake your father's world in the hopeful youthful image of your love.

really wonderful poem.

and to be honest, allllllll of the AS members should post more n this section. Just about everyone is supremely verbose.
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Old 03-18-2011   #7
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Re: The Firsts of Love

Quote:
Originally Said by Tala View Post
Mmmmm, I'm glad you like it Ringo! I also enjoy this type of subject matter. I was really trying to capture the sort of giddy, head-over-heals, headstrong romanticism that many relationships start out as. This, by the way, is the first of what I hope to be the depiction of a path through love; this being the first part of falling in love and feeling that a relationship is invincible. I tried to add some imagery of what has happened in other relationships and possibly foreshadowing what is to come in this kind of a relationship. I think that may help clear up some of the minor confusion you had. And since you took the time to respond to each stanza, I'll do you the favo(u)r in kind :)
Mmmm! Yes, it is a favourite sort of poem; love is the food of poetry, after all? o.O

Mmm, I think you succeeded with all those things--at the giddiness-capturing and the depiction of the first part of love, the infatuation, and such. I also love the idea of a "three-part poem." For some reason, it seems a Dante-esque idear. Please do post 'tother parts when you get to them. ;)

Quote:
Ha, well I'm glad I didn't screw that part up. I was afraid that if I didn't put "love" in the title somewhere, that people who don't get a lot of depth in poetry (such as myself) would be lost. Perhaps the title is more a reminder to myself... ;)

And BTW, you pretty much nailed everything I was going for. That means 1. You have great interpretive skills and 2. I wrote something coherent. Both are quite impressive!
No, I think the title worked perfectly; it conveyed a complex experience in a simple way, which is what a good poem often does (not always, because convolution and complexity can be entertaining, in some odd cases--like the e.e. cummings).

Mmmm, thank you! I'm glad! ;P And yes, you were more than coherent--quite eloquent, in fact.

As far as "critiquing," I've actually learned what little I know from just observing the far more studious and poetry-savvy individuals on AS giving critiques (and from receiving critiques of my own "poetry"), practicing with giving my own critiques, and simply from reading (basking in) an obscene amount of poetry from "the greats." It's quite enjoyable, trying to "parse" a poem. ;)

Quote:
Mmmm! I quite liked the way this poem "sounded" as well. I usually don't meter it like this :)
Wait, the poem is metered? O.O

Quote:
This was one of those "other relationships that have gone wrong" images that I mentioned. While writing this, I was picturing a windswept barren mountain-esque landscape and two people struggling through it. But I like the idea of snow as well! :) At this "point" in their journey; the struggle is half of the enjoyment of the relationship. But these struggles have deterred others before them from continuing on. It's almost like the annoying advice of elderly who say, "When I was you're age..." but their advice often gets ignored, passed up, and covered with metaphorical dust. I hope that makes some sort of sense...
That does makes sense--That was the sort of image I had, as well, with the "dusty ditches" image specifically--an arid desert (or mountain, or mountain) like image. But I think I understand what you're getting at with the metaphor.

Quote:
Fingers so intertwined, you can't tell which came from where :)
"...so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

Quote:
Yup yup :) Again, this was more of the "other relationships" thing. Many people in new relationships will claim that their experience is different from others; that they alone know "true love." Even though those in relationships have more than likely seen other peoples' relationships (perhaps those of relatives) crumble apart for whatever reason, they are headstrong and sure about what they feel. Again, in such an "invincible" relationship, they feel they can conquer anything.

Anyway, I'm done rambling now. I'm glad that you earnestly like it though! :) And thank you for the new perspectives on my thoughts ;)
Mmm, no worries! That's pretty much what writing poetry should be about; sharing "the" thoughts. ;P

Yes, I think once you share the other two installments, all those only-seemingly incongruous images should make perfect sense. I think the image fits where 'tis, though.

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Originally Said by SketchImpressions View Post
and to be honest, allllllll of the AS members should post more n this section. Just about everyone is supremely verbose.
Agreed! ;D
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Old 03-19-2011   #8
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Re: The Firsts of Love

^ most verbose of all? perhaps perhaps!
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Old 03-20-2011   #9
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Re: The Firsts of Love

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Originally Said by SketchImpressions View Post
^ most verbose of all? perhaps perhaps!
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [laughs] Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me "V".
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Old 03-20-2011   #10
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Re: The Firsts of Love

can't rep you... boo


*claps hands* wonderfull! love the "v" speach. you should write your own with the letters Z and P
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Old 03-20-2011   #11
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Re: The Firsts of Love

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can't rep you... boo


*claps hands* wonderfull! love the "v" speach. you should write your own with the letters Z and P
Ha! Consider it done! ;D
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Old 03-20-2011   #12
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Re: The Firsts of Love

! score !
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