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Writer's Corner The pen is mightier than the sword. Post your writings or poetry. Also discuss your favorite authors or books.

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Old 03-20-2011   #1
SketchImpressions
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Poems with Doodles...

okay! here is a little poem i wrote at work.
It reminded me of shell silverstien when i was done.
sorry for the crummy pics, obviously taken with a cam, wish i had a scanner!


"Brain Tree."

"I need a labotomy
to fix what's inside of me...
I musn't of come with the standard part,
because i fail to connect head to heart.
I can't even make an easy choice-
because the two war for my voice!
I am of two sides,
and neither agree,
on what is best for little 'ol me.
So, here I stretch under the Brain Tree,
trying to deiced what school of thought it's sane to be.
How to change, how to grow-
these are the secrets my heart won't show.
That knowledge will be the key,
to finally set my waring self free..."

crit and coments most welcome, please!
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Last edited by SketchImpressions; 03-20-2011 at 11:46 PM.
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Old 03-20-2011   #2
SketchImpressions
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Re: Poems with Doodles...

Thanx for the REP zp!
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What we have is socialism for the rich and trickle down economics for the rest of us. I am part of the 99% of Americans left outside of Economic Elite circles...
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Old 03-21-2011   #3
Zanahoria_Picante
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Re: Poems with Doodles...

Haha, no worries! ;D

The poem kind of reminds me of a stylistic lovechild of Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost--if that's possible (as it seems), that's kind of how the style/feel of the poem strikes me.

The illustration *is* quite magical. And my slow mind just realized that those are, in fact, brains upon the tree (hence, "brain tree"). "Der" on my part. Still, magical. The incongruity between the morbidity, which is a word, of the brains and the "quaintness" of the little girl reaching to pluck one might be why even the "doodle" seems Plath(morbid)-Frost(quaint)-esque. If that makes any sense.

Quote:
"I need a lobotomy
to fix what's inside of me...
= Plath.

Quote:
I mustn't of come with the standard part,
because I fail to connect head to heart.
= Frost.

Love those four lines. Especially the lattah two.

Save, it should be "mustn't have." ;)

Quote:
I can't even make an easy choice-
because the two war for my voice!
Lovely-ily phrased.

Quote:
I am of two sides,
and neither agree,
on what is best for little ol' me.
I would suggest removing the "of" in the first line to read, "I am two sides." It seems that would be more concise and direct (unlike this critique). But just a suggestion, 'course.

Quote:
So, here I stretch under the Brain Tree,
trying to decide what school of thought it's sane to be.
How to change, how to grow-
these are (the) secrets my heart won't show.
That knowledge will be the key,
to finally set my warring self free..."
Just corrected the spelling (in the whole poem, actually), and I again suggest removing the "the" in parentheses--for the same reason as before. Other than that, this stanza is grand; the last two lines are "the good stuff." ;)

This was kind of a critique fail--but I do like the poem and the drawring. Lovely. Keep 'em comin'! ;P
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Last edited by Zanahoria_Picante; 03-21-2011 at 12:33 AM.
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Old 03-21-2011   #4
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Re: Poems with Doodles...

neat
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Old 03-22-2011   #5
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Re: Poems with Doodles...

love it!
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Old 03-22-2011   #6
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Re: Poems with Doodles...

Quote:
Originally Said by SketchImpressions View Post
okay! here is a little poem i wrote at work.
It reminded me of shell silverstien when i was done.
sorry for the crummy pics, obviously taken with a cam, wish i had a scanner!
You gotta love writing at work due to boredom.

BTW, if you have a lot of things that you need to scan but don't want to pay a lot to have them scanned at like Office Depot or Kinko's, you are welcome to mail/ship the items to me and I'll scan them for you and mail/ship them back (assuming I have enough money for postage with my broke ass). Again, it would probably only be worth it if you have *a lot* of stuff you need scanned. I can't imagine some retail place charging more to scan a few items than it would cost to ship them. My printer is the shit. Hell, you could PRINT to it from your house if I allowed your IP. :P

Quote:
crit and coments most welcome, please!
The first two lines reminded me of the Nirvana song "Downer" because of this line:
"Hand out lobotomies to save little families"

I agree with ZP on the Frost-like part.

As for the line "I am of two sides,"
I will agree with ZP again when she says you should remove the "of" OR you may take my suggestion which is to replace the line with "I am become two sides" which is the saying the same thing that removing the "of" would but it says it so much more poetically (albeit archaicly poetic).

It's not right that the use of "to be" in a present perfect tense has fallen out of favor. Tolkien used it a good bit (I have to look these up :P) In The Hobbit: "They were come to the Desolation of the Dragon and they were come at the waning of the year." And in The Silmarillion: "But when they were come into the Void, Ilúvatar said to them: ‘Behold your Music!’" and "Then Ulmo answered: ‘Truly, Water is become now fairer than my heart imagined’".

If it is good enough for Tolkien, it is good enough for me!
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