instead of making numerous threads and being a whore, i'll post a lot of jokes here.

[tynie]

15 things to do at the store

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares', ... and see what happens.
Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through say 'PICK ME!! PICK ME!!!!'
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ..'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'


1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up their were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk emails.

3 star hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a liter of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems, (depending on your gender.) Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe .......very gently.

6 star hangover ******
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your, room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

10 things you'll wish you didn't know

During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces Learn Korean in 5 Minutes

That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia
Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
Give it to me baby............................Suk Mai Dong
England will win the World Cup...............No Fu Kin Wai
Whos been eating all the pies?................Yo Fat Wan Ka Life's rules

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher Mum or Dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You cant respect a man who carries a dog.
Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.
Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

Critical Temperatures

50 degrees - New Yorkers turn on the heat - People in Ireland plant gardens
40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably - People in Ireland sunbathe
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start - People in Ireland drive with the windows down
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats - People in Ireland throw on a T-shirt
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state - People in Ireland go swimming
Zero degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat - People in Ireland have the last BBQ before it gets cold
10 degrees below zero - People in Miami cease to exist - People in Ireland lick flagpoles
20 degrees below zero - Californians fly away to Mexico - People in Ireland throw on a light jacket
80 degrees below zero - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic - Irish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough
100 degrees below zero - Santa Clause abandons the North Pole - People in Ireland pull down their earflaps
173 degrees below zero - Ethyl alcohol freezes - People in Ireland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs
297 degrees below zero - Microbial life start to disappear - Irish sheep complain of farmers with cold hands
460 degrees below zero - ALL atomic motion stops - People in Ireland start saying "chilly, isn't it boy?"
500 degrees below zero - Hell freezes over - England win European Championships

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[Indiana Tones]

HAHA, those were great, but it was a bitch to read them all with 4 people talking to me.

[argentmoon]

Lol, those were great. I also had no clue about the swimming pool water thing... ew...

[Wobbie]

hahahahaha, the life's rules made me laugh so hard....and they're all true!!!

[psychopatpl]

i love putting condoms in random peopls carts

lol, yeah where do those damn traffic come from

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

ooh whats this? ladies you forgetting to clean your hands?

and im pretty sure by 6 men you ment something closer to 46 right? lol

i put boobless into a calculator lol im a wanna be 80s guy

"Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush."

HAHAHAHAHA every time baby, and im totaly a winner!

"You cant respect a man who carries a dog."
if a dog is smaller than a cat, it is a cat...

[chaos_control]

excellent, i loved the rules of life one. pretty much all of them i recognise from Peter Kay, still great nonetheless. the monkey and plastic dolls were great. made me laugh hehe.

[Mr Stabby]

Originally Said by Spooky Girl Tyne

6 star hangover ******
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your, room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

Yeah thats not as funny as it sounds, in reality that one is a real doozy....I have experianced it a few times in my life....an yeah you really do question drinking anything again.....

Originally Said by Spooky Girl Tyne

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

Again another unhealthy experiance....very very very eerie when it happens

Originally Said by Spooky Girl Tyne

Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

I got my hand stuck in a train door once, it seems the lil auto detecter thing to stop the door closing if theres an obstruction wasn't working...bastard thing really hurt, cut my hand up a bit too.....damn cheap ass UK trains

Originally Said by Spooky Girl Tyne

500 degrees below zero - Hell freezes over - England win European Championships

Only one thing needs to be said here....HI 'FUCKING' OH!!!!!!!!!!