Pass The Ghost Story

[psychoDiablo]

It was just a dream. Desmound, Chad, Billy, Britney, and Valerie were all in the same tent as Shaniqua. Maybe that blow to her head by the laptop had stunned her long enough to be knocked out and dream all of this.
Her eyes looked around. The tent was cool, Britney had her hair, Billy had his pants. Something didn't feel right to Shaniqua though. She examined her eyes around the tent more. The flashlights worked. Not a dull battery in the place. She remembered something about a green neon flash from her dreams. She just couldn't remember if that was a dream or not. Nothing came to mind.
"I'm hungry." She blurted out, and with that realizing just how hungry she was.
"Why there's a cold-mocha waiting for you in our fridge. Take it, it's yours. :)"
Shaniqua, at that moment, knew she was dreaming or in the middle of something. They had no fridge.

[Zanahoria_Picante]

Despite her bewilderment, Shaniqua took a sip of the Double-Blended Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino from the tent's inexplicable fridge.
"Oooooooo girrrrrrrllllllll, this is good!"
She closed her eyes and savored the iced delight, and when she opened them, she was shin-deep in what appeared to be a shopping mall fountain.
"Ugh! Why did I come in here after you?!" Shaniqua heard Chad screaming from the upper level.
"'Cause I've got magical hair!" Britney replied with abrasive femininity.
Shaniqua trudged towards them. Desmond was yet nowhere in sight.

As Pseudo-Billy began pulling on Billy's pants with zombie-like deftness, they sighed once more.
"Oh well. I suppose this is better than being on the same rack as those prudish capris in the Gap. Bloody muffin... (muttering)"

[cstoll]

Desmond thought of the Top Worst Three Moments of His Life:
1. The morning after a party that involved Billy giving him some acid, and he woke up, naked, in a strange bed with a traffic cone on his head and a piece of bacon on his shoulder.
2. When he freaked out at his 5th birthday party after the clown had a severe gusher of a nosebleed.
3. When the brakes on his car gave out, and he drove into the Blockbuster Video store to return his movies.
He tried to figure out where this moment ranked: spinning around a Starbucks office, with a tiny demon on his back, biting into his shoulder.
As he spun in the middle of the room, he saw flashes of what happened to Shaniqua: she had a dazed look, she opened the floor fridge, she drank something--"Oooooooo girrrrrrrllllllll"--and then she vanished.
Des could feel blood running down his arm from the demon's teeth. The best he could do was to smack it on the head with a clipboard and twirl around.
Then, Billy walked up to the manager's door, "Hey, boss, I'm about to start my shift...Um, a piggy-back merry-go-round? Me next, Des?"
Billy's obliviousness so enraged Des that in one fluid movement, he grabbed the demon, flipped him over his shoulder and drop-kicked him into the fridge. As Des pushed a filing cabinet over to block the fridge door, Billy asked, "So, fifteen minute break, then?"
Des needed to snap Billy out of it. "Billy, I need to wake you and Valerie up. Are you ready for the pimp hand?"
"Pimp--what?"
"Well, it's better than hot coffee on your jollies and a pen in your leg."
And, with that, Des smacked Billy in the face.

[psychoDiablo]

"Tee-hee." Britney Spears giggled. "Hee hee hee." She kept blowing her bangs up and then let them fall slowly back into her face, just to blow them up again. She was having the time of her life. She was sitting, playing on a bench when Chad came stumbling out of an escalator.
"Fuckin a..." He looked down as if something tried to trip him, to play off the fact he almost face planted himself. He looked at Britney and her cheery oblivious to the world smile and grabbed her by the wrist.
"OMG, Hey! Don't be so rude Chaddy...Chaddy baby. tee hee."
"Don't call me Chaddy. And dont call me baby."
"You're Mr. Chaddy the grouchy." Britney pouted.
"Now isn't the fucking time Brit. We have to get out of here. Where the hell is the exit?"
"Nooooo!" Britney pulled her wrist away and started to back away from Chaddy. "I don't wanna go! How could you go when there's all this shopping to do!?" She stamped her foot. Then her eyes lit up "Ooo! A bunny!" and she ran right past Chad. He turned around and saw a little pet shop. One of the animals must have gotten free, because there went Britney, running across to the other side. He started in her direction when a familiar voice called to him.
He listened to hear where it was coming from. A tv in the window caught his eye. It was Shaniqua. She was calling out to Chad.
"Chad! Chad!! You have to find us. We're in this mall. Billy and Des...something is happening to them! Chad!"
"Shaniqua? Hey how did you get on tv? Damn I recognize those big lips of yours anywhere, but tv really does add some weight. Are your lips that big, been awhile since I've seen em.." He started day dreaming, reminiscing.
"Chad, shut up, listen to me. I don't have much time. Find us. You have to!"
"I'm trying to find everyone Shan. Fuckin Britney is a pain in my ass....Speaking of, I have to find her ass, she ran off on me again."
"Forget Britney Spears! You have to find us." Then Shaniqua turned around, someone was trying to get into the room she was in. Her face turned to panic. "Please Chad!!!!"
Chad could see in the background that Shaniqua was serious. "Well, where are you? What the fuck?" He looked at the tv, his hands banged the window.
"Chad... Ahh!!" Just then some men broke into her room and surrounded her. Chad could hear the commotion.
"You! What are you doing in here?! This place is off limits!"
"I thought it was the employee break room! I'm sorry!" Shaniqua turned back to the monitor. Chad could see she was terrified. The men grabbed her and took her off. She struggled and then the tv went blank.
Chad thought to himself. "Employee break room...?" He looked around the stores and every window held a small Now Hiring sign.

[Zanahoria_Picante]

"Britney, would you put your Bunny-ophilia aside for one second? Did you see what just happened to Shaniqua?!" Chad screamed, eyes crazed.
"What?" She replied in the most prissily vapid voice imaginable, stroking the trembling bunny and adjusting her alleged hair, "why are you so mad and stuff, Chaddy Waddy?"
Chad snorted involuntarily with rage, pointing furiously over the balcony, "Shaniqua. She was walking towards that escalator down there. A Barista then tackled her, forcing what looked like a rag soaked in coffee over her mouth--and they both vanished! Then we saw her on the T.V. freaking out and getting surrounded in the 'employee break room.' Remember?"
"Oh." Britney Spears squinted intensely, "wait, what?"
Chad charged away.
"Like, wow! What a drama queen!" Britney cantered daintily after him, bunny in hand.

Billy's eyes teared and he rubbed where Des had "pimp-handed" him, "geez, man, was that really necessary?"
"Yes," Des said, compressing a wad of paper towels on his no-doubt-going-to-get-infected shoulder, "how do you...feel?"
"Well, I was feeling fine until you smacked me across the face!"
Muffled objections came out of the mini-fridge.
"Okay. Looks like you're back to 'normal.' Don't drink anything." Des exited the office, and found Valerie serving a campy-looking, middle-aged couple two Frappucinos.
"Please enjoy your bev-er-a-ges!" Valerie grinned robotically, as the couple literally disappeared.
Des and Billy looked at each other.
"I'll smack her," Billy offered too quickly.
"No. Um." Des scanned the area for a suitably-sized, non-deadly object, "here."
"How can I help y--?" Valerie wrenched as the bag of French Roast struck the side of her face.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Would it be impertinent of me to ask where you're going?" Billy's pants asked Pseudo-Billy as they trudged deeper and deeper into the woods.
"Brrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnn nnnnnnnnssssssssssssssssss," Pseudo-Billy wished.
"I guess that answers my question."

[psychoDiablo]

"This seems like it would get us to the back rooms, right?" Chad asked none other than Britney. "Huh?"
"This door. Do you know what a door is?" Chad placed a hand on his head. He paused to collect his thoughts.
"This door, do you know where it goes?"
"Ummmm....No!" Britney smiled enjoying this 20 questions game.
"This door leads to a hall way. A hall way leads to the break rooms. The break rooms lead to..." He waited for Brit's answer...
"Employee discount shopping!!! Weeee!!" Britney jumped up and down laughing excitedly.
"Goddamnitwoman,makemejustwannakillmyself." Chad muttered under his breath.
"What was that Mr. Grouchy-Wouchy Chaddy?"
"I said don't call me that name!" Chad yelled at her. Britney's smiled turned to a frown and she started to cry.
"Just what I need!" Chad looked to curse the sky. Then he saw the ceiling. He had an idea. He looked back at Britney with a smile. "Let's go chick!" They snuck themselves down the hallway to the break rooms.

The elderly couple sat astonished and didn't stop drinking their mochas as the boy's clubbed Valerie over the head. Des grabbed her arms, Billy her legs. The boys carried her behind the register to the back door. Des kicked it open and they ran down as fast as they could down the corridor.
"Right turn coming up! RIGHT TURN RIGHT TURN!" Des ordered. As they rounded the corner they slammed into the Manager.
"What are you boys doing? You're supposed to be up front waiting the customers! Billy...I'm ashamed of you."
"I'm sorry sir. I won't do it again." Billy responded, freaking out Des.
"Fuck that Billy! We quit!" Des yelled and struck the Manager in the temple. The Manager fell to his knees, his face slamming against the concrete wall.
"Get her legs! We're outta here!" The boys carried Valerie and ran down the hallway, coming up to another corner.

Slam! Des crashed right into Chad. Britney followed Chad and leaped over him landing on unconscious Valerie. Billy tripped all over Valerie and landed on top of the dog pile.
"Ahhhhhhh!!!" They all yelled together.
"Chad!" "Desmound!" "Britney Spears!" "Wow great to see you guys!! What happened to Val?"
"No time to explain. We gotta get outta here!" Des said. "The Manager of this joint is behind us. Where's the exit?"
"Dude! I was hoping you knew....Anyway, I thought of how to get out. It's our only chance, but let's find the roof." Chad said aloud. The other's nurtured Valerie, hoping she'd wake back up. No use. They quietly snuck around the hallways and eventually find a flight of stairs. Desmound and Billy carrying Valerie started up the stairs. Britney carrying her rabbit followed. Chad stood at the door halfway in.
"Chad, let's go man!" Des cracked.
"Dude, they still have Shaniqua. I saw her in one the back rooms. She said the employee break room, something."
Des stopped in his tracks. Not his girl! No, they could have Britney or anyone else, but not his girl. He dropped Valerie, who coincidently conked her head on the stairs and woke back up.
"Owww...heeeeyy guyss..." Valerie said slowly.
"Chad help Valerie, I'm going back after Shaniqua." Des stormed his way to the door. He stood in front of Chad. They looked at each other for approval.
"If I'm not back in 5 minutes....You know what to do." Before Desmound turned away, Britney ran up to him and gave him her rabbit. "I'll miss you Mr. Nibbles, you nibbler. hee hee."
Everyone ran up the stairs, but Desmound headed back into the hallways.

[cstoll]

As he ran down the hallway to save his girl, Des imagined triumphant, pounding music in the background to herald his heroism. But then he realized that the scene would be diminished a bit by his carrying a fluffy bunny named Mr. Nibbles.
Des seemed to be in a maze of hallways, with some that went five feet and stopped and others that stretched on forever. He opened as many doors as he could. Some opened into very dull, frustratingly-free-of-sharp-objects rooms. Others opened into a brick wall, or blank space, or above the raging river they swept down earlier, or on top of a tree in the woods, and other strange places.
Acting on instinct, he put down the bunny.
"Mr. Nibbles, you're from around here, aren't you? Maybe you know your way around an unpredictable place like this."
Mr. Nibbles bounded into action, leading Des through twisting hallways with certainty and whisker-twitching determination.
"Yes, Mr. Nibbles! Yes!"
The bunny stopped at a door. Des took a breath and opened it.
A room full of carrots.
"Mr. Nibbles, you suck."
"Brrrrraaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnsssss ssssssssss," came a slurred voice behind him.
"Wha-?"
Pseudo-Billy grabbed Des and threw him through a wall.
The wall was surprised, to say the least.
Des landed on a very comfortable couch. Dusting some of the wall off, Des saw Pseudo-Billy distracted by Mr. Nibbles gnawing at his ankle. Des looked around the room and was shocked to see a wall full of TV monitors and a control board of dials. He saw a video camera. This must have been where Shaniqua broadcasted her message to Chad!
He went over to the board and saw dials that went to "11" and had names: "undead," "doppleganger," "smelly time tunnel," "Starbucks," "rivers," "bridges" on and on. The monitors showed places in the mall and the places they'd been throughout this long night.
He turned "doppleganger" to zero, and then looked to see the effect on Pseudo-Billy...whose face became un-deformed--puffed back out as if it just needed some air--and then had the mental agility to kick Mr. Nibbles across the room.
"Ohbloodyhellcrapsticks," Des muttered and then ran out another door.

With Pseudo-Billy on his heels, Des charged down another hallway, bursting through double doors. Ahead of him, he saw two men--with their backs to him--pushing Shaniqua down the hallway. Unable to contain his excitement, he botched the element of surprise by bellowing, "Shaniqua, I'm here to rescue you!"

[psychoDiablo]

Desmound freezes! He thinks to himself, "DID I REALLY JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD!?!?!"
The whole moment took a while to forward itself. As soon as Des blurted that out, the whole moment flashed before his eyes, so he knew what he was already going to do to get out of this.
Des stood still anticipating the 2 men in black robes to turn around to face him. He remembered that Pseudo-Billy was running after him, but didnt know just how far behind him he was.
Shaniqua turned around when she heard him rank the ambush. She had a rag tied around her mouth and her hands tied behind her back. The man on the right pushed her one extra time before dealing with Des. Des backed up a step, hoping he wasn't too far back that he was standing in the door way. The two men in black robes both reached out their arms to grab Desmound, but at the right time, Desmound dropped to the floor and leaped forward between the two men. At the same time the two men lunged for Desmound, Pseudo-Billy came charging in through the doors. The doors flew open, crashing right onto each of the men's heads. Pseudo-Billy then crashed into the men and fell down, becoming confused.
Desmound jumped to his feet. He ran over to Shaniqua. He grabbed her and held her close. The smell of her hair made him think back to the times with her. The being chased by Undead and floating down river, to a walk in the woods to a romantic starlit night. He held her so tight, she was trying to speak but her moans and groans were muffled.
"Baby, I came back for you! I had to... You're my love." His eyes watered up and Shaniqua just wiggled.
"I wont ever let you leave my side again, baby." He gave her a kiss on the cheek, then realized she was tied up. He set her mouth free.
"Desmound, will you untie me already. Get us the hell outta here!"

Pseudo-Billy got up, the 2 men in black robes lie dead on the floor. Pseudo-Billy enraged now, let out a roar. His muscles bulged and his heart rate sped up. He fixated his eyeballs on the two, who were at this point, trembling in fear.
"...D-D-Des...why aren't we running away...?" Shaniqua muttered through her clenched jaw.
Des gulped, "Because Shan...The exit is behind him..."
Just then Pseudo-Billy moved at them. Shaniqua screamed and ducked behind Desmound. Desmound stood his ground until Pseudo-Billy was upon him. Just as Pseudo-Billy was gonna drop his fist through Desmound's face, a neuron short-circuited in it's brain and a voice came over a loud speaker.
"No no, don't do that."
Pseudo-Billy flinched his head to regain his senses. Fixated again on the two stuck in fear. Again as it raised it's fists, it dropped back, this time into a severe seizure.
Des and Shan were astonished. They heard some commotion over the loud speaker. Some ill shrieks of bad mic tuning and a couple people talking at once.
"...I wanna talk..." "No...get away...I'm doing it." Sounds of pushing, and objects falling are heard. Des and Shaniqua looked at each other.
"Just give it to her, please!..." "There's no time for this!......fine, fine, here..."
A couple mic taps, "Uhh, hello?" It was Britney.
"Heeeeeey guys! Like Oh my god, i'm totally on the radio!...Hey does my voice always sound that high pitched? So not cool..."
"Britney!...." There was struggle for the mic.
"For fucks sake, this girl is pissing me off....Yo it's Chad. We found a cool device to control the fake Billy. Anyway, I think you two need to leave now. Head back the way you came. We've got killer tech here. Monster survelliance. We were about to jam, and we heard Desmound. Ha! Nice going pal. Glad you got your girl back...Over."
Desmound's face turned red as the gang probably heard him declare his love. They walked over the dead bodies and up the stairs to the rest of the gang.

[Zanahoria_Picante]

"Hey, Shan, can I ask you a question?" Desmond said to Shaniqua between breaths as they jaunted up the stairs.
"Other than that one, you mean?"
"Yeah...ummm..." Desmond's voice cracked, "do I impress you?"
Shaniqua almost dispelled all the air left in her lungs in a sputter of laughter; she quickly silenced herself.
Des scowled.
"Of course you do." Shaniqua replied, smiling.
"Um. Okay...?"
"Wow, you don't have to be a--"
"No, sorry. D-d-do you see that?"
A black, wispy, human-sized figure hovered between them and the door to the room where the others waited.
Shaniqua's eyes teared fearfully.
In one, abrupt motion, it whooshed towards them, then slowly undulated up and down about a picnic table's length away. It spread out its arms suddenly and awkwardly, as if it just missed its cue. Its coal-colored, ragged form stood in stark contrast to the brightly illuminated, neat hallway. Its eyes glowed green.
"What the heck? Sorry, guys," Chad said over the intercom, "I don't know where that came from. I don't know how to stop it, or, um, control it."
"Well, what is it?" Desmond yelled.
"Des, it looks like a ghost," Shaniqua guessed.
It lunged. Des tried jumping between it and Shaniqua, but it soared right through them both, then through a wall.
"Pshaaa! Stupid ghost!" Desmond guffawed.
"Des, let's go!" Shaniqua grabbed his arm.
"Youuuuuuuuuuu'''''''''''''''''''''rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrreeeeeeeeeeee noooooooooooooooooootttttttttttt goinganywhereeeee!" Came a raspy voice from behind.
Desmond almost didn't care enough to look back.
The ghoul floated back towards them, seemingly trying too hard to look menacing.
Des could not bring himself to feel afraid of it, despite its dreary and otherworldly appearance. Shaniqua still clutched Des' arm.
"Dooooooooo yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu knnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn--?"
"Okay, seriously. Stop stretching out all your words," Des barked.
"Okay, fine," the thing mumbled, "Do you know who I am, boy?"
Des thought of many snarky responses.
"Weeeeeeeell...?"
"No,whoareyouI'msocurious," Des blurted perfunctorily. He just wanted to get out of this bizarro place.
"Is that a rabbit?" Shaniqua frowned in confusion, finding it strangely easy now to get distracted.
"Anyway," Des sighed, "is there a point to any of this?"
"YES! IF YOU WOULD JUST ALLOW ME TO FINISH, MORTAL!" The ghost exploded, completely unprofessionally. It flapped its tattered-rag arms in a small tantrum.
"I'm sorry, but you're kind of a lame ghost," Des said.
"I, my boy, am the creator of this place. My name is Salvador The Quasi-Flatulent, but, please, call me Sal. I am The Great And Mystical Overlord of the Darkened Woods."
Des splutter-laughed.
"...The Inventor of the Interdimensional Hall," its voice lowered into a mutter, "...sponsored by Starbucks."
"Wait, what was that last part?" Shaniqua raised her eyebrows.
"Nothing."
"Look, we just want to leave. This has all been very 'mystical' and all, but we just wanted to go on a frickin' camping trip," explained Des, "and you ruined it by sucking us into your little fantasy world."
"Ruined?" The ghost scoffed, "RUINED?! Are you naive, boy?"
"Stop calling me 'boy.' I have a name. It's Desmond, or Des, if you like."
"Sorry."
Shan casually started walking towards the control room. Des did a double-take, then strolled after her.
"THAT'S IT! YOU DAAAAAAAAAARRRRRREE IGNORE SALVADOR THE QUASI-FLATULENT?!"
They kept strolling, hand in hand, and nodded to each other with a smirk.
It clenched its fists and the hall went completely dark.

Billy's Pants, still on Pseudo-Billy, empathized with the wall's plight.
"Believe you me," it said, "things will only get worse."

The rest of the group stood in the now dark control room, panicked.

[psychoDiablo]

It was pitch black. Desmound could see the control room in his mind.
"I know where to go. Here, grab my hand Shan.....That's not my hand..." Des laughed. Shaniqua quickly let go. "You can still hold on to me Shan." He smiled in the darkness.
"You pig!" Desmound laughed some more and Shaniqua punched him in the arm. They continued walking down the hall in the dark.
"Uhh...Hey! You guys still there? Everything is black, can't see a thing. I hope you guys make it back here. We'll be waiting." Chad told his friends.
"Yeah guys, hurry up! I so want to get out of this creepy place. I need to wash my magical hair, tee hee." Britney chimed in.
"Damn it Brit, your hair isn't magical!" The intercom was shut off.
"Looks like we're on our own Shan...are you afraid?" Asked Des.
"A little bit. At least I have you with me, Desmound." Finally some assurance for Des that Shan really liked him. It made it him braver. He took up stride and walked with his chest out into darkness.
"The door should be around here somewhere. Feel around for the knob." Desmound said. "Ohh, not that knob, Shan."
"I thought you said I could hold on to you..." Shaniqua said being playful.
"Wow, right now..? We...mmm...We should get out of here first...shouldn't we?"
Shaniqua started kissing him, "You know I am glad you came back for me. I don't know what those guys would have done to me. This whole situation kinda has me seeing you in a new light, Des. You're really brave for me." She kissed his neck and they stood there in the dark.
"Baby, we have to get out of here. What if that ghost thing launches a fireball at us. I don't have a shield to block it."
"Shhh, big boy." Shaniqua silenced him by putting her finger against his lips.

Chad, Billy, Valerie, and Britney all huddled together.
"Okay, follow me and stay close." Chad commanded.
"Yes sir! hee hee." Britney said jumping up and down. "This is fun lol."
Chad not letting his aggravation get to him, slowly crept along the wall to where the ladder to the roof was.
"Alright up the steps everyone." He let everyone go first.
"All of you go up, I'll wait here for Des and Shan."
Billy unlocked the latch and climbed up on the roof. He helped the girls up and looked back down to Chad.
"Don't take too long Chaddy."
"Don't call me that. Lock up that latch. I'll knock when we're ready."
Chad stood there in the dark. He heard moaning close by. He creeped along the wall, getting closer to it. He called out.
"Sh-Shan? Des..?"
The moaning became muffled and Chad could make out there were two people. He was curious now. He moved closer and suddenly felt the hairs stand on the back of his neck. His mind scared him and he ran back to the ladder and knocked on the latch for Billy to open it. No one did and Chad was losing his grip, freaking out in the blackness.
"Chad!" Desmound spoke out loud at the same time Billy opened the latch.
"AHH!" Chad screamed.
"Ahhhh!!" Shaniqua screamed.
Billy screamed down at them, "HEY!"
Desmound was startled, "What the fuck?!"
Billy started laughing. "What are you fools doing? Hurry the hell up here. Britney is driving me nuts!"
Chad laughed at that and asked Des what took them so long. They both just smiled smugly and held each other close.
"Oh god, hurry up you lovebirds."
Once up, everyone could see the sky again. It was a cool, crisp, clear night.
Everyone started walking to the escape ladder except Billy. They looked back at him and he was smiling.
"Come on you guys...Look at where we are. It's beautiful out here. You know what this calls for..." He smiled and reached into his shirt's front pocket. He pulled out a fat spliff. "We are getting high..." He patted his pockets down and forgot he didnt have his regular pants on, but his man-skirt the Manager gave to him.
"Please tell me one of you has a lite..." Billy asked hopeful.
Everyone shook their head.
"I have a lite for you boy! Hahaha." It was the black ghost and he launched a fireball at the group.

[cstoll]

A fireball roared toward the group. Salvador The Quasi-Flatulent laughed a deep, evil laugh, and then farted--but only a little, and it sounded like a bugle.
The group standing near the escape ladder ran and rolled to the side in different directions. Billy, standing closest to Sal, saw the fireball coming straight at his face. He staggered backwards as the flame tickled his nose--and lit his spliff, which he inhaled deeply from in his sheer terror--and sent him right over the roof's edge.
"Billy!" Desmond yelled.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Valerie concurred.

When it couldn't seem to get any worse, the clouds above crackled with an angry roar. Waiting for an onslaught of rain and lightning, the group and Sal were surprised to see beachballs falling from the sky.
Valerie laughed in relief and stood up to catch the first one--and the rest of the group screamed as it smashed onto her face, with blood erupting from her nose, and she fell to the ground unconscious. The group dodged the other beachballs, which struck the ground with loud, shaking "thuds" and then bounced again.
And then it rained ketchup.
"What? What the...? This doesn't..." As he dodged the heavy beachballs, Chad was mystified and angry at how these nonsense events were happening.
Britney, in a rare moment of clarity, had a vivid flashback to the control room before the lights went out. When everyone else was discussing boring-blah-blah-escape-blahs, she was writing a song about "knobby knob ka-bob love," and "mixing" it with the control panel knobs. She *might* have sent the world haywire.
"Who knows, Chaddy? Maybe it's just magical, like my hair!" She chirped, back in the present, the only time that mattered.
Sal took credit for the maelstrom: "Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel MY WRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH," he bellowed, with a tiny bugle noise behind him.

Meanwhile, Billy was stuck between two buildings. He had fallen from the roof, spinning around, and heading down the gap between two lower buildings. His wooden-board hat--firmly on his head where his doppleganger had whacked him--stuck out far enough on each side of his head that it bridged the two sides of the buildings. He couldn't pull himself up or reach the buildings to his left and right. His spliff remained intact. So, Billy dangled...and toked.
"Well, that turned out better than expected," he said. "Whoa. Wild ketchup rain. This is some good shit."

Chad, Shaniqua, and Des gathered beachballs to make a charge at Sal. Britney pulled Valerie out of danger. Ketchup violently swept over the roof in torrents. Beachballs had stopped raining but continued to bounce with thick, loud reverberations.
Sal bellowed, "YOOOOOOOOU SHAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL NEVER LEAA--"
"Now!" They threw their beachballs with force...and they passed right through Sal.
"What did you expect to happen?" Sal asked. "I mean, really. I'm a ghost." He cleared his throat. "UH, I MEAN. IM A GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!" A french horn tooted from his back region.

[EmperorChaos]

These things are getting too epic. You all should condense a little.

The above being said before I contribute one myself though I wholeheartedly--in all my longwindedness glory--intend to. Right after I finish reading all of this.

So far, I'm loving it. I mean... At one point, Rachael wrote: "AHHHHHHHHH!" Shaniqua Valeried and I started roaring with laughter.

[Zanahoria_Picante]

Originally Said by Jasondead

These things are getting too epic. You all should condense a little.

The above being said before I contribute one myself though I wholeheartedly--in all my longwindedness glory--intend to. Right after I finish reading all of this.

So far, I'm loving it. I mean... At one point, Rachael wrote: "AHHHHHHHHH!" Shaniqua Valeried and I started roaring with laughter.

No! No condensing for you!

Seriously...I like the lengthiness/epic-ness (scrap that 1-3 sentence business). But you should add a segment when you catch up. And I'm glad you've enjoyed what you read thus far.

[psychoDiablo]

Salvador The Quasi-Flatulent laughed his mightiest as lightning and thunder crackled behind him. He became a silhouette against the bloody red ketchup rainclouds and seriously tough beachballs. He roared again, this time with all his glory, "IIIIIIII AMMM SALVADORRRRRRRR!!! THE QUASI-FLATULENT! THE GHOST WITH THE MOST--" of course he was cut off to rip one. PVVVVFFFFB.
"Woo...gotdang beans..." He scooted himself over to the left. "Where was I? Ah yes..."
Before he could start up again Britney with all her brilliance stepped forth.
"Say, if your a ghost, then can't you go through things?" She asked as an inquisitive young kid would.
"Um, I thought that was established with the whole throwing beachballs and them going right through me thing?"
"Hee hee, Your funny Mr. Ghost Man." She smiled at him, ketchup dripping all over her face.
Salvador, now feeling self-conscious asked, "Wha? Hey, how am I funny?"
"Seriously, this ketchup is ruining my hair! I'm going to have to spend 2 hours blow drying it. OMG!"
Sal's state of mind changed and the ketchup rain stopped. He swooshed over to Britney.
"Hey, I asked you a question."
"You know I liked the bunny I found in the woods the most. It was an unique bunny. Hee hee, he had green eyes. Did you ever have a bunny Mr. Ghosty Wosty?"
Taken off guard, Sal stuttered, "Huh..Wha...But...No...No I never had a bunny."
"Oh they are so playful." Britney closed her hands together and pretended she was holding a bunny, hugging it.

By this point Chad and Des, carrying Val (again), and Shaniqua slowly started their way down the stairs, as Britney had the Ghost's attention. Everyone was climbing down, then Chad had to get Britney. He whispered to her, hoping she'd know it was time to leave. He looked back down to his crew, "I think we should leave her."
"Shut up Chad! Get her and get out!" Shaniqua fired back.
Chad whispered and psst'ed at Brit.
"Hey did you know my hair is magical my friends dont think so but i think that maybe valerie thinks so like i do but definitely not shaniqua, billy is cool he is a fun guy but chad is my heart and he doesnt think my hair is magical at all, he thinks im stupid."
Sal, dumbfounded took her story to heart. "Hey now, you aren't stupid. You're--"
"Thanks Mr. Ghosty! Wow! Hey, have a piece of my hair. hee hee omg!" Britney could hardly contain her excitement, she grabbed a few strands of her hair and ripped them right out. She gave them to the ghost and Chad helped her down the stairs as they made their escape.

Salvador stood there with some crazy chick's hair in his hand and he was all alone. Then he farted and hung his head and drooped his body in shame.

[cstoll]

The group made their way down the stairs and were down in the maze of hallways again. Charging down the hall, Shaniqua suddenly stopped.
"You guys! Billy?!"
Des turned to comfort her, "Shaniqua, baby, Billy's gone. We're all hurting. We're all feeling that loss, but we have to keep--"
Shaniqua interrupted, "No, you don't understand--"
"Shan, I understand perfectly," Des stroked her hair, flung ketchup off his hand. "You're in pain. It's okay. Let it out. Let it all--"
"No, Des, he had the van keys."
Chad, Des, and Shan all looked at each other. Britney was wringing ketchup out of her hair.
Chad dropped Valerie.
Then, it clicked. All three yelled, "Billy's pants!"
Britney: "Magical hair!"
Valerie: "AHHHHHHH!"

Billy's pants were in another hallway, still being worn by the dead Pseudo-Billy. "Can't decide what's worse, really: being worn by a stoner, being chewed on by an undead rabbit, being worn on the head of a lunatic woman, or being worn by a stoner's dead doppleganger. Sigh. I should have been lingerie."

Sal floated down to where Billy dangled between two buildings, supported by a wedge of wood stuck to his head that bridged the gap. Finally, he had a captive audience.
BURRRAAP...BUURRRRRRRUUUUUPPPP....FWEEEP
"What is that, music? A brass band?" Billy asked.
Sal floated into view, only feet away.
Sal cleared his throat, "YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ABANDONED YOOOOOOUUUU!"
BUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPP-FERRRAP
"You're a ghost! How are you gassy?"
Sal ignored this and got ready for a big speech, "YOU ARE DOOMED TO STAY IN MY DOMAIN FOREVER! YOU, AND YOU ALONE, WILL KNOW THE SEC--"
Just then, a beachball fell from the building above, smacking the piece of wood, unlodging Billy's head--with a satisfying *pop*--and dropping him twenty feet into a trash bin.
"Does no one value the extended speech of the villain anymore?" Sal whined.

[psychoDiablo]

"Hey, did you guys hear that?" Britney asked the group.
"Not now Brit. We have to figure out how to get back in so we can get Billy's stupid pants."
The gang brainstormed.

Billy laid there in the dumpster bin. "Pretty comfy," he said, looking back up at the stars. He took a couple more tokes from his joint and exhaled. He laid there enjoying how high he was. He started thinking about this adventure.
"I was in a tree, comfortable. Didn't smell as bad as this though. Then that asshole biter came along and smashed me into a rotting bridge, which then floated me down river. I lost my friggin pants!... Come to think of it, that asshole Billy had my pants on! Motherfucker, those were expensive too. I gotta get em back."
He flicked the roach away, jumped out of the dumpster and checked the first door he could find. Locked. He tried the one next to it. Bingo. He walked in.

Sal stood there all alone again, still clutching Britney's hair. Feeling sad he brought it closer to his face to look at it. Pretty blonde hair. He sniffed it and a special whiff sent a wonderful sensation through his bony nostrils. He felt a little braver now. The pain in his heart had subsided. And since he was a specter, he had an uncanny ability to see 10 minutes into the future. It did not look good for Billy, nor for any of his pals, as they tried to get back into the building to reclaim the pants.

[Zanahoria_Picante]

"Okay, guys...GUYS!" Chad bellowed over the bedlam of everyone shouting at once, "let's...calmly...think about this. What would Billy's clone want? We could lure him to us."
"We don't have any weed!" Shaniqua blurted.
"Well, it kept groaning 'braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains,' so it might want some of those," Desmond suggested.
"Great, uh, that's a start, I guess," Chad scratched his head.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Valerie Valeried, having regained consciousness, yet discarded on the floor as Britney's irreparably sticky wig had been.
"Hee hee! Why don't we ask Sal for help?" Britney asked, licking the ketchup from her fingers.
Glaring at her with the intensity of 5000 un-milked cows on a Saturday afternoon, Shaniqua snapped, "Well, at least we know Billy's double won't go lookin' for you."
"Thanks!" Britney chirped.
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn nnssss?" Pseudo-Billy inquired, presently hobbling towards them.
And just at that, Sal hovered down through the ceiling, looking oddly lugubrious while holding Brit's golden, fake lock.
"I see that, once again, no one cared to ask for my opinion on the matter," Billy's pants grumbled.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch...Billy found the door he chose actually did transport him to a dude ranch.
He saw a slinky-looking fellow leaning against a fence, cowboy hat tilted down o'er his face and chewing on some whacky tabacky.
"Hey..." Billy pointed slightly, "that stuff'll kill your teeth, you know."
He joined him at the fence.
"Share the love, man!"
The dude pointed his pistol at Billy's forehead.

[psychoDiablo]

Billy raised his hands in the air, "Whoa! Chill man. I'm chill!" Billy backed up hoping not to get shot. He started plea-bargaining.
"Hey, I got something you might like. It's better than that tar crap you put in your mouth. Look it's in my shirt pocket, I'll hook you up." Billy slowly reached into his front pocket and pulled out yet another joint. He put it between his lips and patted down his pockets. Crap!
"Do you have a lite eh?" Billy asked the strange cowboy.
The cowboy held his gun at Billy, then slowly pulled his arm back and holstered the gun. The man seemed to reach behind him and then suddenly extended his arm at Billy with a lit match.
"Whoa, nice. How'd you do that?" Billy leaned the joint to the flame and inhaled.
"Here brother, hit this." He passed the j to the strange cowboy who exposed his hand to grab it.
Billy saw nasty, dry skin. As if the man hadn't drank a drop of water in 20 years. Nor had this town seen water in 120 years! The cowboy took a puff and held his breath.
"Hey man exhale it, that's the best part. Taste it!"
No smoke exhaled out the man. Billy thought it rather odd..."Must be the herb."

[cstoll]

"There's the pants!" Desmond was excited by the prospect of getting the keys.
"But the pants are being worn by an unkillable undead creature with superhuman strength and a desire to eat our brains," Shaniqua reminded them.
"I hate camping! I told you that!" Chad punched the air in anger.
Pseudo-Billy was still about ten feet away, hobbling slowly--just a tad winded from being killed so much.
Sal hovered, still regarding Britney's lock of hair with sadness. "I don't want any harm to come to her," he said, pointing to Britney.
"Awwww. That's sweet, Mr. Ghosty," Britney giggled.
"You don't have to harm any of us," Des said. "You can stop the undead creature and let us all go."
"No, there will be pain for all of you," Sal said.
"But it doesn't have to--"
"It's already happened. In about two minutes, something very unexpected is going to happen to the wall behind you. I know this...because I CAN SEEEEE THE FUUUUUUUUTURE." VVVVVVVVeerrrrrrBUP-FEWEEEEVERP.
Pseudo-Billy coughed and waved at the odor washing over him.
Rising from the floor, Valerie panicked from the predictions and the flatulence, from the smell of death and beans in the air, and she ran. She made it a few steps before a small section of the ground *clicked* from her pressure and sank three feet. The uneven ground tripped her--arms pinwheeling, her voice Valerie-ing--and knocked her out cold.
"Why does she get to nap all the time?" Chad fumed.
Deeper rumblings and the sounds of gears turning followed the *click*
"That must be what utter doom sounds like" Des muttered.
"Kind of negative, don't you think?" Shaniqua steadied her voice.
"Been that kinda day."

Evening came for Billy and the strange cowboy, now sitting by a fire, taking turns toking. Billy was beautifully high at this point. The strange cowboy continued to inhale and kept it in.
In the firelight, Billy still could not see the cowboy's face, obscured by the hat and the darkness. And he didn't much care to see it, with the glimpses of dry, crusty skin on the man's arms.
"I always wanted to be a cowboy, you know," Billy rambled. "Roping cattle, riding horses, shootin' a gun...digging post-holes...getting chicks, avoiding...malaria. The LIFE, man! The LIFE!"
The cowboy nodded.
"Hey, man, can I see your piece--er, your gun?"
It was handed to him. Billy admired it for a few seconds and then pointed it at the cowboy.
The cowboy didn't stir.
"Nah, just kidding. Here you go, man." Billy handed it back. "Y'know, I was bummed about my pants earlier, but all that's gone, my silent, stalwart friend. No pants, no regrets. That's how I'm living. Hey, are those friends of yours?" he asked, seeing lights in the distance coming closer.

[Zanahoria_Picante]

"Ah...hahahaha...AHAHAHAHAHA...AHA AHA AHA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!" Sal spewed the most powerful bout of flatulence yet after his maniacal laughing spasm; the undead-bean-suffused tempest blew back everyone's hair and fluttered pungently into their disheveled clothes with a PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEt! Britney's ketchuped wig, too, swept down the hall and out of sight.
"Seriously, I HATE camping!!" Chad squealed.
Smoke began slinking into the hallway and dramatic, orange lights beamed up from somewhere near the floor. A four-tile square column of the floor began rising between everyone and Valerie. They gawked in awe.
"NOW, MORTALS, YE SHALL TASTE THE WRAH-TH OF SALVADOR...THE SUPAH*-FLATULENT!" Shaniqua fainted from the intensity of the odor.
What they saw, as the smoke circuitously drifted away to reveal the figure upon the platform, made their hearts stop.
It was the undead bunny, sniffing a corner of its new environment curiously.
"PSSSHAHAHAHA!" Chad leaned over in a laughing fit, "For real?"
"Bunny wunny Mr. Nibbles bear!" Britney extended her arms and bounced towards it.
Desmond rubbed his eyes from the stress and looked again.
Pseudo-Billy wobbled in place in a moment of confusion. And Billy's pants made no comment.
Sal smirked quietly, looking at the wall next to Valerie.

"Hey, they don't look very happy," Billy noted, backing away a bit.
"Nah. Don't expect they would," the stranger replied.
Billy chuckled awkwardly and pointed at their torches, "eh, smoke?"
They surrounded him.

*Super....