New Poem by me.

[Sweathog]

Soliloquy to the Lost

Can you love someone so much,
you want to reach out and touch,
but all you hold is air.
You will never be together,
and this is how it stays forever,
but still your heart screams out:Care!
So I wander down to the old oak tree,
and pen this little soliloquy,
and you'll never know I was there.

Haven't posted for a bit. Got a bit more new "material", will post later.
Sweathog

[kyle]

That is deep

[psychoDiablo]

You will never be together,
and this is how it stays forever,
but still your heart screams out:Care!


god damn the joys of writing. that's awesome.

[moocow44]

nice. good job.

[fadingroses]

line 1: remove comma.

line 3: question mark instead of period. aside from that... the question doesn't really make sense in those words. the first two lines phrase the question, and the third is an awkward little addendum which ends up nearly reversing its meaning. anyhow...

line 7: the "I" seems a bit out of place. too sudden to introduce, although necessary, I suppose, since it is a soliloquy.

line 9: the contraction also seems a bit out of place. doesn't quite fit the flow of the rest of the poem.

[Sweathog]

Fading Roses. You have a habit of picking my poems apart, don't you? I suppose it's constructive criticism, but still.

[fadingroses]

I figured they were worth it. If you can't handle it, I can stop, but it does give me something to do.

[Sweathog]

Never said I can't handle it. As I said, it's constructive criticism, and as you say, if they are worth picking apart then they are good.

[iwantaspliff]

hey sweaty how ya doing?

[monster]

love it
sweet poem
keep it up