My Story

[Choreo-geographer]

I'd really value some opinons on this. I'm sorry if it's too long but i hope at least some of you have the time to read it.
This is just a small section, if ya like it i'll post some more.
This part deals with my first kiss

“Miss, can I please go to the cloakroom to get my pencil case?”
I looked up in time to see the teacher nod and then threw my eyes across the class to see who had asked the question. I saw Katie rise from her chair and move briskly towards the door of the class. This sent my mind racing. I had a huge urge to follow her. It was like an irresistible voice inside telling me what to do, and I felt that I had to get to the cloakrooms too, not matter what. I quickly searched through my inventory of excuses for one suitable for this occasion. It didn’t take me too long to find one.
“Miss, can I go and get my pen from my bag?”
“Be quick then!” was the short and irritable Scottish accented reply.
I ran out the door and sped across the tarmac to the small rectangular building that housed the class’s coats and bags. As I ran I wondered what on earth was I trying to achieve by what I was doing. I had no plan or indeed any idea at all why I was mimicking Katie’s actions and following her to the cloakroom, but I knew it was pointless in just returning to the class empty handed, as I had in fact forgotten to retrieve my pen from my bag.
I entered the small room through its open door stepped inside. All the coats and bags were hung neatly upon the pegs, save a few that had been neglected and were laying on the floor with many a dusty footprint decorating the material. But I’d seen this sight many a time before and it was Katie who held my attention once again. When I entered the room, she had her back to me, busy rummaging through her bag in pursuit of finding her pencil case. She turned around briefly when she heard me enter, smiled sweetly but kept her hands inside her bag and carried on searching. I walked over to my own bag, feeling slightly out of breath, half because of my short run to my destination and half because sharing a room with Katie is enough, in my mind, to knock the wind out of anyone. I pushed my hands into the depths of my bag as I reached for my pen. I found it without any trouble, but feigned looking for it for a while, so that I could piece together what I was going to do, now that I had actually got where I wanted to be. If I’d thought that I had been hard pushed for time back in the class, thinking for an excuse, then it was nothing compared to the speed at which my minding racing at now. I squeezed my brain completely dry in an attempt to find some kind of plan, or something to say that would make her smile. I was about to lose all hope, when some words flashed into my mind. I was running out of time and was willing to risk the humiliation of the saying the words, and so I took a slow step towards Katie, inhaled deeply and took what I consider to be one of the biggest risks of my life.
“Katie?” her name floated out of my mouth sounding a lot clearer and stronger than I felt. She turned around in a flash of blonde hair. She looked straight at me and I felt myself internally collapse. She addressed me in a smooth, calm voice that made my heartbeat cease.
“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

The moment I’d spoken the words I couldn’t believe that I’d said them. I could never ever say something like that to a girl today and I have no idea how on earth I said it then. But then again, I suppose I’ve never met another girl quite like Katie. I tried my best to stay calm and look normal. I watched her to see how she would react. She smiled once again, a smile that I can never forget, her cheeks turned pink and she looked at the floor for a moment before looking back up at me again still smiling the brightest smile I’ve ever seen.
“No.” she said, but I wasn’t deterred, she was still smiling and didn’t look in the least bit offended or angry. I felt her mentally pushing me to ask again, as she didn’t move and simply stood there in front of me with her back against the wall, staring deep into my eyes with her own. So I decided to push my luck that little bit further.
“Please?” I spoke this word trying not to sound pleading or demanding but at the same time persuasive. She kept eye contact this time and turned ever so slightly pinker in the cheeks, smiled even wider and almost whispered her reply.
“Ok.”
I’d wanted this answer so much that I was surprised at how unprepared I was when I actually got it. She was still looking at me, stilling my heart with her sea green eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I carried on looking at her for a few seconds and then I just let my heart take control of all of my actions. I moved closer to her, looked into her eyes for a second longer, then moved my head towards hers. She moved her head slightly to the side so that I could reach her cheek. I tilted my head, closed my eyes and gently kissed her left cheek. I can remember how soft it was, nothing has ever felt quite like that first kiss. It was so magical. As my lips touched her cheeked it felt as if all time had stopped. I can remember it so vividly, so clearly that it really does only seem like yesterday, but I wish it were today. As I drew back, her face looked so gentle and beautiful. She opened her closed eyes and they shone brighter than I had ever seen them shine before. Her mouth rose into another perfect smile and we stared at each other like this for a few moments. In the end, we realised that we had better be getting back to the classroom. It seemed so far away, like another world. It was certainly a lot different to what I had just experienced.
So we ran back to the classroom together, grinning and laughing together, and for the first time in my whole life I felt so alive with this strange feeling I had heard was called love.

[Weasel]

I think its very good!

A suggestion: Your very good at providing details and using unique verbage and such and most of the time you do it subtly but there are a couple or parts where it actually goes a little overboard IMHO. Here's one example:

save a few that had been neglected and were laying on the floor with many a dusty footprint decorating the material

The coats and bags aren't really important, so I would leave that out and instead concentrate the details more on the main focus of the story, which is Katie and specifially the kiss (which you did well I think).

Also it really doens't matter but for some reason sea green eyes don't sound that appealing, thats a matter of opinion though :wink:. I think baby blue or something might go over better.

<--waiting for the next part :smile:

[Choreo-geographer]

Thanks weasel, that means a lot to me :smile: :biggrin: :smile:
it is a true story so that's why i had the green eyes there. Though i could come up with another comparison. Any ideas?
You can some more but this parts still under work and unfinished and i've missed a bit out. But there's nothing you need to know especially
here we go then

Around this time my dad was organising the French exchanged for the large boarding school that he works at. I had been told by my mother that she was going to as she couldn’t find anyone to look after me brother while she was at work. So she had taken a holiday and intended to go to France with my dad instead of sitting at home. All of this sounded fine to me, up until the point I realised that I would have to go to. We were going for two weeks. Luckily, one of those weeks was my schools half term so I would only be missing one week of Katie, but even that was hard to bear. But then the really fantastic news was given to me. I was going to attend a French school for those two weeks. This made me feel completely miserable, as I wouldn’t even be given a chance to go anywhere remotely interesting with my parents. (I did have a small cultural side!)
So the day came for the departure to France. I remember so little of this trip that I can’t even recall whether we went by plane or on a ferry, but what I can remember is that we stayed with a vary friendly French family, who had lots of children that I managed to get on with, even though I only knew very few words of their language. I went to school each day with the youngest of their three girls, named Jean-Helene. We got on fairly well but we never communicated during school hours. I managed to find a male companion however named Jean, and we connected well and spent beaucoup de temps together.
The two weeks passed a lot quicker than I had primarily anticipated and before I knew it I was back on the ferry home, (or was it a plane?). When I was back at my own house, I ran around outside with my next-door neighbours for a while, as I was to excited about seeing Katie again the next day to stay inside and simply wait for night to fall. But eventually, darkness crept in and my dad called me inside for a late tea. After it had been fully eaten I then went more or less straight to bed. I fell asleep abruptly and awoke, slap-bang at the beginning of the worst day of my life.
The car journey to school that morning seemed to take twice as long as the journey back from France had taken, and I sat in the back of the car, fidgeting and shuffling, anxious to get to school to see Katie. I was already angry with my mother for not waking up in time, and thereby stealing ten minutes of precious time with Katie from me. As we turned down the road that lead to my school, I could see the school building slowly crawling towards us, as if in slow motion. As we drove past I saw that we were later than I had thought. Everyone was already lined up in front of the school buildings awaiting orders to be sent into class. Eventually, we reached the gate and I threw myself out of the car door and gave a hurried goodbye to my mother. I tore threw the school gates and was stopped by my class running round the corner towards the classroom. I went over and joined Andrew and we started walking towards the classroom. But then I suddenly became aware of people saying Katie’s name and looking at me. All too soon I caught the words that were being thrown at me.
“Katie’s dumped you!”
The words sent ice deep into my heart. I’d never heard the word ‘dumped’ before but I knew instantly what it meant. I slowly started to think. What did it matter what these people say? Katie still loves me and she’ll show them. I was defiant. I walked onwards with Andrew, with a sickening voice in my head, adding to the ones already ringing in my ears. We turned a corner around the class five cloakroom and our classroom was brought into view, and with it Katie and a few of her friends. I quickened my pace to catch up with her. I saw her turn around on hearing the noise that followed me and I was relieved to see that she was smiling. I drew closer, but the closer I got, the more I noticed something different about her. Her smile, wasn’t the same, it looked rejecting instead of inviting, cruel instead of kind and ugly instead of beautiful. She looked at me with the same warped looked in her eyes and spoke the words I was so sure that she’d deny
“You’re dumped.”
I felt myself physically stagger. It felt like I had just been shot through the chest. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to turn and run, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was stare hopelessly into those once warming, now chilling eyes. I couldn’t believe that she was smiling. It seemed as though she thought she was playing a game. Maybe she thought I would react like I didn’t care, maybe that was the way the story was supposed to run in seven year old romance, and maybe all I was to her now was an actor who hadn’t read his lines. Whatever she was thinking, It didn’t include standing there with me. She turned her back to me and run up to the class and through the doors actually laughing with her friends.
I was frozen. I couldn’t see anything. My sense of vision had been overpowered an overwhelming sense of sorrow and despair. I wanted to cry so much but I knew I couldn’t. My body suddenly turned itself onto autopilot and led me, completely helpless, through the double doors of the classroom and in to the beginning of a new life without Katie. :cry:

well there's the more that you asked for. Hope you enjoy it, Although the memory still makes me very sad. :dsppnted:

[Choreo-geographer]

Re-reading that, loads of it is completely off topic and pointless isn't it? I think i overwrote some of that.

[HawkEye56]

the initial story about France IS pretty good (but a little off topic), but as for the rest, its seems to me very well written. Bravo!
:cool:

[Choreo-geographer]

Thankx! :biggrin:
I knew you wouldn't let me down!
I've got loads more that i havn't posted, but i want more people to read this first and post their opinions, COME ON GUYS!